I did the unthinkable this morning Lovers! No, I didn’t turn a condom inside out and attempt to use it again. No, I didn’t wax a man’s initials into my lady garden, or my own initials for that matter (it’s not a business card people.) No, I didn’t purchase a shewee and a snuggy in order to experience a completely uninterrupted ten hour marathon of Outlander. No no Lovers, I did something far worse.
I cried during sex!
Oh god the shame of it all! This is exactly the reason I don’t relish the idea of morning sex, I’m not a morning person! So many emotions at 7 in the god dam am!
But surely it was more than the fact that the moon was still up that made you blubber like a baby Claire? I hear your question loud and clear Lovers, and as usual, your astute observations are spot on! I didn’t merely descend into tears at the sight, sound and smell of a man and his wang attempting to pry my legs open before my eyes. No no, it was much more than that.
Ok Lovers, I’ll fill you in on this particular fellow in detail in further posts, but what you need to know right now is that I was suffering from one of the sexual maladies most people choose not to discuss.
Over and over I hear friends and colleagues cry out in frustration that their main man comes too soon. Often far too soon. And as girls we have incredible amounts of sympathy for these women. How awful to have that pivotal moment of orgasm ripped away from you as your man comes to a shuddering halt and collapses on top of you, sated and sleepy. This issue is one of the many women and men experience and talk about regularly, but what happens when you have completely the opposite problem?
There is no sympathy out there for girls like me Lovers!
Next time your swapping shag stories with your girlfriends, take a moment to appreciate the girl who moans about her chafed vag and aching thighs. Show her a little pity as she goes into detail about her marathon session, complete with multiple position switches, leg cramps and copious amounts of lube. Because I can tell you now Lovers, chances are, as jealous as you may be of her long time Lothario, if she’s anything like me, she only enjoyed the first twenty minutes or so. The rest… well that’s where the tears come in.
So I’ve been having sex with this fellow for about six weeks now, lets call him…Spencer. Spencer is a great guy, another lucky Tinder find, but to say we’ve been having some issues in the bedroom is putting it lightly.
The boy just never comes! Like ever. Never ever. Like times never by infinite and you still wouldn’t be close to it. We’re talking hours of P in V action with no finale.
We’ve had sex at least thirty times and not once has he popped his cork. Do you know how frustrating that is Lovers? The worst part is he absolutely adores blowjobs. Now, don;t get me wrong, I love giving a good bj when the occasion calls for it, and that occasion occurs often, but blowjobs have a time limit. I am not a bobblehead!
Argh the pain, the agony of the never-ending head job! Sometimes I have to do inconspicuous stretches during foreplay to prepare my body for whats about to come. Woe betide the girl who attempts this mission. First comes the subtle ache in the back of your neck as you mosh relentlessly up and down on his yogurt slinger. Next is the throbbing of your knees, elbows or whatever unfortunate limb you happen to be supporting yourself on. Finally, and what usually brings said job to a conclusion (or at least a downgrade to a simple handjob) is the tender muscles of your pleasure inducing mouth giving up the ghost and you either can’t stop gagging or you begin to seriously fear a case of lockjaw occurring. Nobody wants to rock up to the emergency room with the words ” gave too much head” emblazoned across their patient form.
So anyways, I think you get the idea Lovers, I’ve been matched by the scientists at Tinder with a marathon runner when I’m much more of a sprinter. The most frustrating thing about my sessions with Spencer however, is not their lengthy duration, but the utterly infuriating phrase he utters immediately after every romp.
“Gah, I was so close that time.”
Then fucking come already! Ooh the amount of times I have almost screamed this right at his sweaty face is becoming too high to count. The problem is Lovers, it’s always me who has to call time on our activities. I’ll go for as long as I can, but my poor little juicebox is just in tatters by the time he’s halfway done! I’ll wriggle and squirm, trying to find a comfortable position to wait out his pounding, but before long another layer of my flaps will have been thrusted vigorously away and I’m back to grinding bone against bone. I’m not proud of this Lovers, and as an avid sex lover it truly upsets me that I can’t pull a Survivor and outwit, outplay and outlast his randy shaft. I’ve tried cock rings (three different types of varying price), oral sex popping candy, pelvic floor exercises, ball slings and more. But I still can’t ride out that never-ending wave of copulation!
So you can imagine just how crap I feel when after trying everything I can, after continuing on long after all feeling has left my lower extremities and after giving as much encouragement and help as I can humanly give, when he sighs and says,
“That time, that time I was so close. Just a few more minutes and you would’ve had me.”
This is after two full hours of balls deep, pound the duck, solid boinking.
My little whisker biscuit can only take so much Spencer!
So, the crying, how did all of this equate to me ending up in a big old pile of tears?
As I said Lovers, I’m not a huge fan of morning sex, but I had promised Spencer a good time the night before so I let him do his thing while I lay there and fantasised about going back to sleep as soon as he left.
After a while we switched to doggie, a suprise new favourite position of mine. Normally things can feel a little uncomfortable with doggie, but with Spence something just clicks and it feels great; which is useful because he likes to stay in this position for ages. Anyways whilst in doggy Spencer has developed a bad habit of pressing down on my spine. Grab my hips? Fine. Shoulders? Fine. Waist? Fine. Middle of my spine? Hands off dude!
It seriously feels like he’s going to snap me in two when he leans on my frigging spine and I tell him time and time again to get the hell off me. His excuse is always that he’s so caught up in the moment that he doesn’t notice.
Yeah, well I do buddy.
So this morning he starts doing the spine thing. I tell him not to. He does it again, this time while he’s pounding into me super hard. I tried and I tried to hold my position but I just couldn’t take it any more. Sex shouldn’t be painful!
I collapsed on the bed and felt his wang fall out of me.
“Damn! You would not believe how close I was that time!”
Aaaand that was it. I was gone. The combination of all the effort I had gone to, time and time again to satisfy him, coupled with the obvious failure time and time again plus the fact it was 7am and the fact that he had ignored my words and hurt me once again was just all too much.
The worst part of it all was that Spencer didn’t realise I was crying and simply shifted me onto my side and kept going!
Oh it was so humiliating Lovers. I just closed my eyes and waited for it to be over.
Luckily Spencer isn’t a total asshole and noticed pretty soon after that I was crying and stopped having very one way sex with me.
He wiped away my tears and asked what was wrong but I didn’t have much time to tell him as he had to get to work.
It was a very, very awkward way to leave things.
Never a dull moment in the sex life of Claire hey Lovers? I’ll fill you in on more next week!
Pickup line of the week: Want to have sex? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.