Hello again Lovers!
Thanks for returning for the second installment of this crazy little journey called love (and sometimes just called lust) As promised, below are the sordid, sultry and downright sad details of my very first kiss.
Now I was what you would call a late bloomer. I never had a boyfriend in high school (except the time when my crush got pushed into me and kind of fell onto my lips. (Re-lived that moment for years. Seriously) But then at the tender age of seventeen I was finally asked out! You can imagine what this feels like for a girl with blue and purple braces. I had hit the ultimate high, dating nirvana if you will. It didn’t matter to me that he was not the most attractive boy in the world, or that he used to tell me he was an orphan and his nose was plastic from where it got smashed in by a brick. It didn’t even matter that most of his love letters to me were in Mandarin. And this to a girl who barely grasps English. Oh and touch of Piglatin. By the by, Mandarin is not the most romantic of languages, so if your thinking about going bilingual to meet a fella, I suggest Spanish or French, they’re just a touch more elegant.
Anyway, there I was, floating on my little cloud of euphoria, scribbling his name in my file, picking out my wedding dress and getting the girls ready for bridesmaid duty. Just generally living the life of one half of a loved up couple. And then the day came, that all important day, when a girl becomes a woman, when all imaginings fall away and it all becomes very real; the first kiss.
There we were, the rain was coming down, but we were snuggled up under the veranda. I could see other couples ensconced in their own hidey-holes, making babies with their mouths, and I couldn’t wait to try it. But frustratingly, my only thought was, what if we get caught? At co–ed boarding schools there are very strict rules when it comes to all things fun, and that includes NO KISSING. In fact, if students are caught kissing they will be segregated and made to keep at least six meters apart at all times for three days. I couldn’t fathom how I would survive without him for that long. There is only so much you can do with a framed picture and I wanted to do so much more, maybe even get to second base! So, when the pivotal moment came, and he leaned in towards me, mouth slightly ajar, tongue already partially extended, ready for the ravishing, all I could think of was, oh goodness I hope the principal isn’t around! When my darling finally made contact, my eyes were wide open, searching left and right. The oval maybe? No the principal wouldn’t hang out there. Oh maybe he’s in the dining room watching us without us knowing! No he wouldn’t do that, oh my god what if there are cameras! My breath came short and sharp, which I can only assume my lover took as innocent teen excitement, as he increased pressure, movement and saliva. As concerned and distracted as I was, I found this whole kissing thing rather easy. Open your mouth, try to sound out the alphabet with your tongue while he does the same, occasionally slurp up excess saliva for hygiene’s sake and generally twist your head around opposite to his. My hands were planted firmly on the ground, ready for a quick escape, lest I spot any house parents. The concrete was cold, and as he continued to hunt around in my mouth for whatever he was looking for, I started to concentrate more and more on the numbing tingly-ness that was beginning to take over my bony bottom. Eventually he called off the search party, inhaled deeply and pulled away. I smiled at him, my beloved, covered in saliva, MY saliva. That must mean something, I thought as I wiped his efforts off my chin, nose and neck. I gazed into his eyes, waiting for him to profess his undying love to me, for him to tell me that we will run away together and elope somewhere oh so very exotic, like where those Komodo dragons live. He looked at me, that firm tense gaze that I adored so much, licked his lips in anticipation of what he was about to divulge and said, “Well that was weird.”
My world shattered. Weird?! He was calling our first moment of passion weird!? How was I ever going to tell our grandkids that grandpa was a douchebag? I felt the weight of the world crash down on me. All those dreams I held dear were now just memories of what could of been. I pushed back my tears with a melodramatic wave of my hand. He asked if there was something wrong and I gave him my best withering look. Unfortunately with watery eyes it just looked like I was squinting at him. I slid away from him, flicking my dress over my ankles as I did. Someone like him did not deserve the delicious sight of where my foot met my calf! With his silence clamoring in my ears I stormed off back to my house, into the waiting arms of my 32 housemates.
Will it last? Will he ever see my ankle ever again? Or will I never recover from this most tragic of events? I’m sure you know the answers to all three of these questions but isn’t it so much more fun to read along? Stay tuned for the epic finale of First Kiss Freakout!
Pickup line of the day: If I was a fly I’d be all over you, ’cause you da shit.