Why hello there my Lovelies!
It’s been a few days I know, but so much has happened! Just wait until you hear the shenanigans I landed myself in!
Ok so where to start? Ah yes, the walk.
Now there is a little something you need to know about me folks, and that is that I am about the clumsiest girl you’re ever likely to meet. If there is something to trip on, I’ll make a beeline for it. If the floor says non slip, I will prove that sign wrong. My ass is consistently in the air as I fly face first into hedges, onto roads and over confused small children. These days I always make sure I’m wearing nice under-wear as the chances of people seeing it are almost one hundred percent.
So, I was walking to my online date, doing the usual thoughts of ‘Please don’t be hideous, please don’t be hideous.’ Closely followed by ‘Please don’t think I’m hideous, please don’t think I’m hideous.’ When I get a text from said hopefully not hideous man. He is almost at the venue. I smile, relief flooding through me. There is nothing worse when on an online date than sitting alone at a table for two chugging back your third beer. Usually be the second beer you get know you’ve been stood up so the third beer is necessary to make the walk home seem less pathetic. Sadly when you hit the sixth you don’t so much walk as roll home.
But that was not to be today! I walked into the pub, confidant and happy, and that’s when I tripped over absolutely nothing and went flying into the wall.
As my face smacked into the polished marble with a resounding thwack, my only thought was ‘God, I hope he’s upstairs already and didn’t see that.’
As usual though, God was at lunch and it was just his dumb receptionist who got the message. So of course, when I turned around to assess the damage, there was my date, witness to the crime of inherent uncoordination committed by yours truly.
“Uhhh, Tim?” I asked cautiously, trying to subtly check my cheek for blood as I did so.
“That’s me,” he said with a smile “You ok?”
I let out a half snort half grunt, trying to sound nonchalant “Oh, you know me, I’m fine.”
Except he didn’t know me, and my swollen cheek seemed to be mocking my detached performance.
“Shall we go upstairs?” I spluttered, anything to take the attention off my face.
He obliged and we spent the next six floors huffing and puffing our way upstairs. By the time we reached the roof I was in desperate need of a beer or three. Which is exactly what I had. Three pints. In one hour. On an empty stomach.
To be honest I did order some fries to try and soak it all up but Mr ‘my mum just made me an amazing casserole and I’m so full’ decided to scoff over half of them.
After three pints my initial reaction of ‘meh he’s ok’ had skyrocketed to ‘we are so having sex in the next twenty minutes.’
So when Tim suggested we moved onto another bar I had the perfect idea. Sure an adult store is not a bar per-say. They don’t serve drinks and there are no bar snacks, but there are ladies, music and private booths. Plus they supply tissues, which I must say most bars these days are sadly lacking.
I dragged him into one of the seedy porn viewing booths, hoping he had a spare two dollar coin or two on him.
It must have been fate because he just happened to have three! We popped them into the machine and away we went. Like a gentleman he let me pick the porn we were to watch. I picked a bit of MILF action because no guy I’ve ever met has said no to that. I sat on his lap, innocent as could be and we watched in silence for a few moments. It was only when he realised that I was causing a slight wet patch on his jeans that he finally made a move.
He turned me around to face him and we had our very sexy first kiss. It’s hard not to be sexy when you have two (or three) people groaning enthusiastically behind you on screen.
Suddenly my hands were everywhere. Well when I say everywhere I mean specifically his fly, underwear and what was underneath.
This is always my favourite part about meeting a new guy, the unveiling. Is it big? Small? Curved? Purple? Or even a strange shade of beige?
I love the reveal, even if it’s slightly disappointing.
Tim was… different. He was circumcised, slightly bowed and a little thin. Not small but no baby’s arm either.
Being medium size can actually be very convenient. Blowjobs for example are such a breeze! He was balls deep in my mouth on only the second head bob. Normally with the big boys you really have to work up to it. Plus your jaw get so sore! I was quite happy that he wasn’t overly endowed.
So there I was, bobbing away merrily with Sam and his best friends Mum getting it on behind me, when I got a lovely surprise of a hand underneath my dress.
I put my head up, Tim’s penis popping out of my mouth like a lollipop.
“Wait, I haven’t shaved properly!” I giggled. I mean sure I’d done the obligatory sweep with the razor but nothing fancy and there were certainly some patchy areas.
“I don’t care, trust me.” He said huskily into my ear.
With a happy little sigh I let his fingers do the walking and it wasn’t long before it was me needing the tissues.
“Have you got a condom?” he asked breathily.
I didn’t. I didn’t know whether to be upset or relieved. I mean after all this was a pretty crazy thing to be doing with a guy I just met. What would my saintly sixteen year old think? Was I being a total slut? Was this going to bite me on the ass? On the other hand my repressed sixteen year old was on the loud speaker screaming at me to have fun and not think. I think she secretly wanted him to bite me on the ass, dirty bitch.
Luckily my decision of what to do next was made for me as a loud knock on the door announced that our six dollars worth of porn was up.
With a lot of fumbling buttons and straightening of seams we fell out of the booth, giggling and horny for more.
But what did we do next? Well my gorgeous Lovers, that is for next time!
I can’t wait to fill you all in on the rest of the juicy details!
Pickup line of the day: Is your Dad a baker?
Cause you got a nice set of buns!