Well good evening Lovers!
Salutations and sexy thoughts to all! Tonight it’s all about that fickle beast that is the world of internet dating. If you’ve ever looked at a large barbeque chicken pizza and thought ‘I’m going to destroy you boy’ or ripped open a cheese burger, stared lovingly into it’s slightly watery, meaty eyes and decided ‘Oh yes, this is most definitely the best relationship I have been in in a long time.’
I have bad news for you Lovers, food can’t replace sex! Food may taste amazing, always be around when you need it and give you warm fuzzy feelings (and quite possibly gas) but remember, sex is manna from heaven! Sex is where it’s at! And unlike food you never have to pay for it! (That’s right ladies, pull those panties back up, grab the wad of fifties back out of his hand and get the hell out of there.) If you ever think a kebab can get you off, you need to get yourself back into the dating game quick smart! That being said, food plus sex can be quite exciting, just watch that hot cheese, or your next visit to the doctor will be an interesting one.
I know good sex can be hard to find (trust me I know) but now that the world of internet dating has evolved past basement dwellers and cat ladies we can all go in search of what we need. If that’s a quick bang to help you forget about the new Krispy Creme opening or a full blown relationship, we can all seek and hopefully find! So listen close Lovers, as I divulge the details of my first forray into this new and strange world.
It’s a Saturday night. You’ve just polished off the better half of a family size carbonara and now you’ve retired to the couch with a pack of what you wish were that magical box of never ending Tim Tams. Armageddon is playing for the thousandth time on tv and even though you know how it ends you half heartedly watch it on the off chance that everybody lives this time around. You double check your phone just to make sure it’s still in good working order. Full reception. Check. Battery Charged. Check. Message Box. Empty. Again.
There comes a time in every single girls life when she has to make a choice. She can sit on the couch with a pair of tweezers and attempt to give herself a Brazilian, or she can do the unthinkable. Plunge deep into the world of Internet Dating.
After twenty painful minutes of the Brazilian option, this girl decided to give the whole internet thing a go.
Ten years ago hunting for a man on the internet was sad and pathetic. Only the wierdo’s who couldn’t socialize without having their ferrets nearby for support did it. But now, a decade on, it is not nearly as taboo as it once was. People are actually admitting proudly that they met on the net. There are literally thousands of success stories slathered all over (where else but) the internet. It may be true that quite a few of these people are what you would call, challenged, in the looks department, but being a girl who’s been beaten with the ugly stick more than once, I decided it could be right up my alley.
First things first when it comes to Internet Dating. You have to have a username. The same goes for any dating site you attempt to join. Being the cheapskate I am, I opted for the free site. Seriously, I’m not going to pay someone to date me. Well not until I’m in my forties that is.
So how does one come up with a username I hear you ask. Well here’s a tip for you. Do not use your real name. It’s the fastest route to Stalker Avenue and then your only a hop skip and a sharp blade away from Murder Boulevard. Now, while some people are into that kinkier stuff I’m more of a vanilla girl. So I devised a lovely innocent name that could (hopefully) never be traced back to me.
In year ten, I (shamefully) participated in Army Cadets. And in said Cadets we each had to have code names so we could talk over the radio and not be discovered by the enemy. The enemy being the Arts class that was always held next door. Intense I know.
At the time I was obsessed with Britney Spears, in particular her new song Lucky. Hence how I got the codename Lucky. You think mines bad, spare a thought for the guy codenamed Rooster.
Lucky. Perfect username right? Apparently not according to the website. Names had to be at least eight characters long. Bastards. Back to square one. I racked my tiny brains until I finally remembered something I could use.
When I was a little kid, I was tiny. I don’t mean I was really short or anything. No, I mean I was super skinny. I had a pot belly but my arms and legs were compiled of nothing more than skin and bone. When I hopped into a leotard for gymnastics I looked like a scary little spider.
So it became a bit of a joke in the family to call me chubby. It became so common place that the nickname Bub-chub was born. Bub because I was the youngest and chub because, well, you know. These days I just get called Chubs, but the nickname has stuck for the last twenty or so years, so it’s not something I’m likely to forget anytime soon.
Luckybub. Username complete!
After a couple more failed attempts with the tweezers, I moved onto the second phase of Internet Dating. The Profile.
Here is where you basically choose what your after in a man, and what you really, really don’t want. This doesn’t mean much, as guys can search for anybody they want and attempt to contact you anyway.
This aside, I typed in my man credentials and pushed enter. Now for the hard part. Describing yourself is never an easy task. You don’t want to sound so up yourself you’re inside out, but at the same time nobody scores points by saying “there’s nothing really interesting about me at all. I’m quite boring really.” Although I must say a lot of blokes lead with this in their profiles, always followed by “Add me if you want to know more.”
That’s a negative big guy.
I attempted to be funny with a bit of the old “ If anybody asks, we can always say we met hang-gliding or something cool like that!” Lame I know, but it’s amazing how blank the mind goes when asked to describe the one person we know best in this world. Anyways then I prattled on about being into chocolate and wanting someone to spoil and all that rubbish. In essence, my profile looked exactly the same as all the other ladies searching for Mr Right. And that was ok, because as it turns out, it’s all about the picture. I’d done my research and scoped out a couple of ladies profile pictures. I also got a couple of my man friends to judge with me. Granted one of them was gay and the other hadn’t had much experience and was just excited to see if any of them had their tops off. But hey, any opinion is better than none.
Here is what not to do in these boys oh so experienced opinions.
Don’t scowl at the camera.
You’re on here to find love ladies, not to scare them off one by one. There is no point caking on all that makeup if you’re just going to snarl into the lens.
(Note: If you’re Emo, Gothic, Hipster or Indy and searching for a similar male partner, then the scowl may actually work in your favour.)
Don’t take a cleavage shot.
Suprising I know, but both my manly judges said they wouldn’t speak to these girls because they wouldn’t respect them and they would imagine them as an easy conquest. Hmmm, come to think of it, maybe they’re both gay.
Put up more than one picture.
From experience, guys that only put up one picture are terrible. I call them one picture wankers. You don’t want to be one, trust me. They usually look nothing like the one picture they put up. Either they took the picture ten years ago, took it before they had life altering plastic surgery or took it at their mate’s modelling agency and dialed up the photo-shop to full. Here’s my advice: take one pretty one as your cover shot to get them in. Then choose one where you’re having fun but still look fairly ok. Then choose one where you look completely ridiculous but you’re having the time of your life. (Nobody wants someone who looks gorgeous but has the personality of a pineapple) and finish with another pretty looking one. That way you look well rounded and they know you’re not always going to look perfectly polished.
So the photos are up, they’ve been approved and you’re ready to start trolling the men whilst still in your manky undies. Score.
My very first contact request was nearly enough to scare me off the internet forever. It would be easy to make up some wild stories about online dating, but I never do that, because I find that the real ones are so much more interesting… and creepy.
Meet Satinman85. His profile reads as follows: (and I stress, this crazy ass is real)
If I do not get back to you straight away, I am not being rude. I receive an extremely large number of requests to work through, so please be patient 🙂 I also rarely send out contact requests, so if you do receive a contact request from me, it is because I feel you share the same interests as me, particularly re: Satin and Public displays of affection.
Ladies, Women, Girls, Females. Welcome. What you see is what you get. Upfront, honest and straight to the point. No hidden messages or messing around. Why beat around the bush, Speak your mind always and get what you really desire in life. Why can’t you have your cake and eat it too. I certainly do. Who says fantasies can only be played out in your mind and dreams. They should be a reality each and every day.
So, besides the cliche stuff in life (That 99% of guys on here ramble on about ie: Mates, Gym, Keeping fit, Family etc) that we all should really like, I am going to cut the B.S and tell you how it is for me.
I like Satin and Silk on girls. Love it in fact. Obsessed even.
Why do I like it? Great question. The way silky satin stretches and hugs the perfect female body when a girl moves/walks, takes my breath away every time. Besides looking amazing, nothing in the world is nicer to touch/ tease over than Satin and Silk, for both the lads and the ladies it excites both parties equally when caressed and sensually stimulates the body faster than any other material. Guys love touching it, and girls feel sexy in it. As simple as that.
I work in the city and there is nothing sexier then a corporate secretary/ receptionist/business lady wearing stiletto heels and a short Satin/Silk business skirt and blouse. The way the Satin/Silk moves in perfect unison with her legs and ass is spectacular.
When I hit the bars and clubs what attracts me most you wonder…you guessed it. The girl wearing the sexy tight little Satin/Silk dress and high heels. Nothing sexier than dirty dancing/bumping and grinding with a girl in this attire. The creases the Satin/Silk makes as she moves in time with the music as both of our hands glaze simultaneously over her Satin/Silk clad body. The only thing hotter than this is discovering the classy dame is wearing Satin/Silk panties. Game. Set. Match.
After a big night out there only one thing I am looking forward to. My Satin/Silk sheets. Take your pick, I have about 10 sets. Classic black satin on there at the moment. There are only two things a girl should be wearing in the bedroom, especially if she is in my bedroom on my satin/silk sheets (If you are lucky enough). Can you take a wild guess? That’s right, a short lil Satin/Silk nighty/robe with a matching Satin/Silk G-string.
The rest you can leave to the imagination.
Its a shame the majority of girls/women these days wear lace/cotton panties thinking a) Its sexy and b) That most guys like it. This could not be further from the truth. Something shiny and sexy over something rough and bland any day of the week.
If you are one of the rare girls that still understands the sensual, seductive and sexiness that Satin/Silk offers feel free to slide on over.
So what else do I enjoy besides the cliche standard things in life and Satin/Silk you may ask.
Getting naughty in public 😉 I think the risk of being caught or even having someone watch (and being jealous/disgusted) that you are doing the deed in public is a massive turn on. If you thought shopping store fitting rooms, parks, beaches, playgrounds, cars, movie cinemas and public toilets only had one use, think again. These are only a few destinations that your naughty fantasies can come true.
If you would like to experience other uses for the above listed places and many more, don’t be shy, come say hi.
What I’m Looking for
A sexy girl who loves/or is keen to try wearing the sexiest material ever invented.
If you feel you’re sexiest wearing the following:
Then I would love to hear from you 🙂
Girls who are keen on/keen to try getting naughty in public places.
You will realise that shopping store fitting rooms, parks, beaches, playgrounds, cars, movie cinemas and public toilets have so many more reasons for use now 🙂
What the actual fuck…
Needless to say I did not return his contact request. (You must remember I was young and innocent at this time and Fifty Shades of Grey had not been released yet)
But never fear Lovers, I carried on with me search, and the results, well they tell quite the story 🙂
Until next time my Lovelies!
Great bonking song: Boadicea
Best used when: Performing a sexy massage that leads into super intense earth shattering sex