Finale! Of the sex party that is ;-)

Hey Hey Lovers!
I hope your hump day was full of the afore mentioned activity! Well if not you have every other day afterwards to make up for it, not to mention a long weekend coming up. Come on guys, it’s what Jesus would have wanted. 😉
So I’ve noticed a few of you chomping at the bit to hear the end of my sex saga! And I don’t blame you Lovers, it is quite the juicy tail. However I’ve been sick as a dog the last few days, with the only creative juices flowing out of me being from the nasal cavity. But thanks to joy of Panadol, red cordial and the fact that I have a six hour break at uni, I am happy to finish this sordid fiesta once and for all!
So, RB was looking good with Minnie keeping her ministrations to a maximum. I scooted over to the dance floor where I spotted quite the hottie. I always thought John Smith was too good for Pocahontas and the same could be said for this delicious specimen. Luckily I was no Pocahontas. I strolled up to him and without a word we locked lips. It was great! It was fantastic in the fact that it was so different from all the other encounters I had had that night. There was no fumbling for my breasts in their too tight bra (Hey when you have nothing to push up you just have to squeeze em like pimples. It’s an art.) or a hand sliding down into my undies to suss out the damp status. (Which by that point was slim to none.) It was just good simple kissing. It was the type of kissing I adore. It’s the kiss that you perform when you’re at the club at 1am in the morning and you’ve just spotted the minx you saw earlier in the night but were too sober to approach. But because you have six beers and a pizza tucked up inside you, the world is your kissable oyster. You close in on each other slowly, like a slightly wobbly lioness and lion stalking their unwitting mate. And when you finally get close enough for your lips to touch, they don’t separate for hours. Oh yes, that slightly drunk club kissing is the height of euphoria. I think it’s because the night is yours. You don’t have to be anywhere or do anything until tomorrow. (Unless you want to do said minx and then you can grab a cab and high tail it to the nearest available bed, clean sheets be damned.) That was what this kiss was like. We melted into each other like cream on cake, licking up the excess sweetness with fervor. His hands were running through my hair and my fingers traced his chin. I guess I’m just an old romantic but that kiss was truly my favourite part of the night. When we finally unlatched from each other and got to talking, it turned out John Smith had come with his girlfriend but she had ditched and gone home hours ago.
What a lame ass.
Still John didn’t seem too perturbed as he led me towards the orgy den, which was as packed as I had ever seen it. He squeezed himself in between Peter Pan fucking the daylights out of Ariel and Tinkerbell sucking off Bambi. (Seriously, it was Bambi. That was a weird one.)
I knelt down and started doing what I do best. I had only been going for about five minutes when I felt something tickling my back. I looked up to see Esmerelda leaning over me, a small smile on her face as she took all of what Captain Hook had to give her. I shrugged and got back to work, me downstairs, Esmerelda kissing John Smith, whilst being done doggy by that old rascal Captain Hook, who’s ass was being spanked by that big blue monster from Monsters Inc. I’ve heard of multi tasking but this was insane!
Suddenly Esmerelda tapped me on the shoulder and asked
“Are you going to fuck him?” I shook my head and with a smile stepped aside as she saddled up. I gave John a kiss goodbye and headed for the bar. It had all got a little too crowded in there. As I looked around though I noticed that everywhere else seemed to be getting more and more empty. Was there some secret sex floor I didn’t know about? I sank down into a chair, not realizing just how exhausted I was. A burly man who I can only assume was dressed as Beast approached me to get jiggy but I waved him off with the usual pee line. Only this time he replied with
“You can pee on me if you like.”
Ok, time to go. It’s not that I begrudged anyone a golden shower or two, but I did feel the deepest of sympathies for the bar staff and anyone unlucky enough to be on clean up duty. I smiled and politely declined whilst subtly scanning the room for RB. I couldn’t see him anywhere so I did a quick lap of the whole venue in case he was ensconced in some private corner with Minnie. But he wasn’t to be found, so I decided I’d just text him when I retrieved my phone and be done with it. After  all it was only early , I was sure he’d want to stay until close. I however had work in the morning and still had to wash off, well, everything. I grabbed my plastic bag with our stuff in it, careful to pull things out gently so as not to spill RB’s things all over the floor, but to my surprise, when I had pulled my things out, the bag was empty.
“Excuse me,” I said to the burly man behind the bar “Do you have the time?” He looked up and with a wink drawled “It’s three am on the dot love.”

Holy Crap! I’d been sexing for five and a half hours! No wonder I was exhausted! Ok so RB must have gone home then. Well, I thought to myself, I’m sure he did the right thing and texted me telling me he’d gone. I pulled out my phone.


What. A. Douche.

I couldn’t believe it, after all that care I had taken in making sure he was having a good time, making sure he wasn’t feeling left out, making sure he hooked up with the saucy ladies and not the scary ones, this was how he repaid me? I was furious. I shucked off my bra and panties and threw on my grundies and jeans, itching to send an angry text. It was then that I noticed a woman waving at me. She motioned me over and cupped her hand to my ear.

“I just wanted to say good luck with your studies, I’m sure you’ll be a fantastic sexologist!” My heart melted. It was Popeye’s wife, the one I had been chatting to earlier in the night. I couldn’t believe she had remembered all of that. I gave her a big hug and kiss on the cheek and wished her well also.

That one little conversation put me straight back on cloud nine. The entire night I hadn’t experienced a single nasty person. Well, ok one, but he was an exception. I had been standing at the bar with RB waiting patiently for our drinks when the guy next to me just started exploding at the female bartender yelling things like “How long does it take to get a fucking drink around here!” and “For fucks sake woman, can’t you see me here?” Now normally I am a very quiet person and I despise confrontation above all else, but the lingerie, the beer and the scent of sex made me bold. So I stepped up to him and said “Dude, there’s no need to be rude.” He whirled around to face me and started screaming “Rude? Bitch you got here after me and got served first! That’s fucking rude you fucking bitch.”

Luckily while the sex had made me bold, I had still managed to keep a grip on my common sense. So instead of telling the toss pot that we had been served because we weren’t stupid inconsiderate bastards, I smiled sweetly and turned my back on him. I noticed RB had his bristles up a little, so I made sure to lay a calming hand on his arm. No way was I going to get kicked out of this party due to to much testosterone. Besides, karma got him in the end, as I did not see a single woman go near his puny little pork sword all night, and that included the girl he was with. 😉

No, the night was filled with overwhelming kindness, impeccable manners and just a touch of lubricant. Nobody was there there to get trashed and start fights. Nobody was there to get so drunk they couldn’t stand. Everybody was there for one reason. Pleasure. Pleasure and fun. And by god did we have some!

So, I bet you’re thinking, “But Claire, now that you’ve done it, would you go again?” You bet your cotton picking ass I would! So long as I’m single that is. As I said, I’m still a romantic gal at heart, and with that romance comes a jealous streak that could kill a man in under ten seconds.

I left the club floating on a wave of happiness, excited and elated at what I had just achieved. I felt a new sense of who I was as a person. I felt confidant, empowered and most importantly, damn sexy. When I walked past a park bench with a bunch of boys occupying it and they wolf whistled I smiled cheekily and waved. This prompted one of them to say “Oi Love, you want to have some fun? Why don’t you come sit on this?” Charming I know, and normally I would have just kept on walking, but I felt so fantastic that I walked right up to them, got right up in his face and said

“Gosh I’d love to, but I’ve had so many cocks in my mouth tonight I just don’t think I could squeeze one more in. Sorry sweet cheeks.” And I bopped him lightly on the nose and walked away, leaving him and his friends staring after me, open mouthed.

Fuck yeah!

So my Lovers, I have a secret. I take it everywhere with me. It clings to me like an invisible coat I can throw on at any time. And not one of these random passers by will ever know. So remember ladies and gents…

Keep it secret. Keep it safe. 😉



RB aftermath: So what did happen to the man I hear you ask? Well get this peeps, he left a sex party… to go and have sex! Apparently Minnie mentioned anal and in his words he “went into a frenzy.” Of course what he probably didn’t know was that by the time I was leaving there was anal all over the joint! We’re talking wall to wall buttocks. Probably why that guy wanted me to pee on him now that I think about it. Oh well, his loss. What a lame ass 😉

Next challenge? Extreme Tantric Workshop!

Disney Continues to get Down

Good Evening My Lovely Loverson’s!

How is your Monday treating you? Mine pretty much shafted me up the ass since I woke up. But speaking of ass, the last time we were together I was telling you about my most intriguing of Friday nights wasn’t I? Well let’s skip the chit chat and dive straight back into those murky and very much misty depths.

So, as I was saying, RB and I collapsed onto a slightly sticky bean-bag and tried to let our brains catch up with what our eyes had just seen. RB needed a smoke so we headed up to the rooftop again. I was super keen to head back up because that was where the mysterious Masters and Mistresses were performing their special favours. We ran up the stairs, excited as school kids (running past quite a few naughty school girls in the process) and popped up on the open-air deck. RB went to bum a smoke and I made a bee-line for the stage to start my education.

It was fascinating! On the left side of the raised platform stood a woman in her late fifties. She was bent over and had her hands clamped in medieval stocks. Behind her stood the Master, decked out in his leather finery and studded penis cup. As he turned his ass-less chaps blew gently in the breeze, showing off his knobbly knees and wide thighs. He was in his late sixties, the type of guy you would expect to see at the local pub, having a bet on the races and drinking a beer with your Dad. But not tonight. Tonight he was the whip master, and boy could he wield those things with skill. It was like a dance. In one hand he held a light cat o’ nine tails and in the other he held a much heavier version. He bopped his feet to the beat of the music as he laid into Rapunzel, her back arching as her ass craned higher for more.

Smack, smack Thwack! Went his whips. Two from the light whip and one with the heavier version. He laid into her entire body with the lighter of the two, getting her blood circulating for the harder, more intense lashes. Rapunzel was bloody loving it. She tapped her toes in their high-heeled fuck me boots and smiled widely every time the heavy whip bit into her skin. I was entranced, thrilled to be seeing such total and complete sexual pleasure. Rapunzel’s friends Pinocchio and Ariel were wolf whistling and cheering her on as her Master drove the whips home. On the other side of the stage a couple clearly very new to the BDSM scene were getting a lesson in spanking. I mentally took notes as the Mistress and her kilted helper demonstrated how to slap with the most accuracy, making specific mention to hit just above or below the clit until the subject is ready. Yes, I can imagine not being ready for that particular spank would be quite the mood killer.

After taking in my fill of leather, I turned to head back to RB. I noticed two gentlemen in their late forties sitting quietly by themselves and I decided to have a chat. I plopped myself down next to them and we all introduced ourselves. Mickey Mouse and his wife were long time swingers and had decided to branch out from their usual house parties to try something on a large scale. Popeye and his wife were fairly new to the whole scene but with the safety blanket of Mickey, had decided to take the plunge. I divulged to Mickey my disappointment that all the levels weren’t themed. I had been promised a Wet Room and a Latex Room etc. Luckily Mickey knew of some other regular haunts around town that he suggested I check out in the future. I probably would have chatted to them half the night if RB hadn’t suddenly appeared next to me. I said my goodbyes and with a hop skip and a blow job we were heading downstairs. We finished off the last of our money with two more beers and stored my purse safely away so our hands could be completely free to roam. Once more we were drawn to the bean bags, and this time, it was serious.

I decided it was time to boost RB’s confidence to the max. I pushed him onto the bag and sprawled languorously on top of him, determined to make something happen. I kissed him slowly as my hands roamed south. He wasn’t hard as yet but I had expected as much. I grabbed his cock (or, considering he was dressed as Aladdin, his monkey) and put it to my lips. And not the ones one my face. Ooh snap! We sat like that for a while, just kissing and being close. I could feel him getting hard, and I smiled. If he could get hard them the struggle was over. He could have a great time banging every bird he liked, and I wouldn’t have to stick around. We could both be free agents, roaming like sex crazed scantily clad monks. I slipped it in and we spent the next few minutes having a most enjoyable bout of grease the weasel as couples all around us furiously pounded into each other. It was so marvellously freeing to be able to have sex while the music pounded in our ears and the thriving masses on the dance-floor bumped and ground their way into our senses. There was nothing awkward or uncomfortable about it. It was simply sex in it’s purest form.

After a while I could see a few couples eyeing off our bean bag, so I gestured to RB and we hopped off the platform and headed back over to the other side of the room, which was now orgy central.

We took a seat next to a pretty little Asian girl who was sucking off a smart looking Indian fellow. I nudged RB and winked. Small, Asian and obviously up for sex, it was just his type. I was worried he might be put off by the Indian dude but he grinned and knelt down to give her pipes a good clean. I smiled, happy that he was comfortable in himself at last. Before I knew it Mr Indian’s mans friend was in front of me and striking up conversation. (By the by, at 1am at a sex party striking up conversation is usually code for putting your penis in someone’s mouth or sitting on a face that’s free. Just a heads up for all you newbies hoping to add a sex soiree to your repertoire.) We played nice for a while but when he wanted to have sex I excused myself with the age old gem “Sure, I just have to pee first.” I winked at him and scampered off, leaving RB face first in his chicken chow mien. I sat on the edge of the dance floor, soaking in the steamy cloud of sex that now permeated the whole floor. It was like a fog that had descended, and all those caught underneath it were free to frolic as they pleased. And my oh my did they frolic. I was still caught up in my dirty day-dreams when I noticed a couple beckoning to me from their bean bag. I looked behind me to see if they were gesturing to a friend, but unless the odd-looking lizard man near me was a great mate of theirs, they were calling to me! I slid over to them and smiled shyly. Hercules and his woman Mulan were from New Zealand and were one of the cutest couples I have had the pleasure to meet. I asked them how long they had been together and they chimed “We’re engaged!” with giddy excitement. That wasn’t the question I asked but still I squealed as she showed off her engagement ring and congratulations were exchanged.

“We love each other so much and I just love to give him more of what he wants.” Gushed Mulan. I nodded, awestruck that she could be so comfortable in herself and in her relationship to freely tote her man around at sex parties. But the time for talking was over as he pulled me down for a kiss. He was a good kisser too, a fact I relayed to Mulan as she busied herself with Hercules balls of steel. She noticed me looking down at her and thought I was checking out her man’s equipment. She pointed to it and grinned.

“You want to have a go?” I quickly shook my head and explained I didn’t want to do anything to cause trouble in their relationship. They both threw back their heads and laughed as if I had just shown them the best cat video over.

“It’s ok.” Mulan assured me, and she pulled me closer and was kissing me as we both massaged Hercules balls. Then it was switcheroo time as she took the top and I took the bottom. I was having quite the nice time down there until suddenly he made a noise. My head snapped up, his cock slipping out of my mouth with a wet pop.

“Are you alright?” I asked, alarmed that I had accidentally bitten down or something. He laughed and pulled me up to him. They both looked at me expectantly and I knew it was sex time.

“Sorry, I just have to pee. I’ll be right back.” And I jumped up and scurried away to the bathrooms.

I didn’t know what it was, I just suddenly knew I didn’t want to have sex with anyone tonight. I realised with startling clarity that sex to me wasn’t just sticking it in and jiggling it around a bit in hopes you’ll hit the jackpot, it was more. I needed the foreplay, the slow build, then the quickening pace and finally the big finish. The more I looked around, the more I noticed that none of these people were coming. Sure the women were, there was evidence of that on almost every seat in the place, but no one was sticking in for the long haul. It was all very poke, poke, poke move on. That’s not sex to me. If I wanted that I had a perfectly good battery operated version at home. I nodded to myself, confident and strangely happy with my unorthodox decision. But hey, you don’t need to have sex to have a good time, of that I was certain.

I traced my way back to RB and found him sitting alone stroking his suddenly sad looking penis with a mutinous look on his face. Sweet and Sour was sitting next to him looking decidedly sour.

“What happened?” I asked.

“ She won’t touch my dick cause I’m not Asian.” He pouted “ I went down on her for like twenty minutes!” I had to laugh. Of all the people in a sex party, RB had to pick the only frigid girl in the place. Suddenly he set his jaw and stood up, a determined look on his face. He turned on his heel and strode away, assumingly to go and find himself a more willing participant.

I tottered up to the second floor to revisit the old grope box but found something even better on the way. Chicken Shapes! I sat by the edge of the bar and devoured and entire bowl of the best damn shapes I had ever tasted and watched the show. Then I felt a hand on my arm. I looked up and there was Snow White, grinning down at me.

“Oh my god, you have no idea how wet I have been tonight. It’s literally running down my leg.”

I smiled and gave her a thumbs up, my mouth too stuffed with shapes to reply. She grabbed me and pulled me up and over to where Prince Charming was.

“This guy is the best fuck I have ever had, did you know that? He makes me squirt every time.”

At this moment in my hurry to swallow my shapes I inhaled some into my nose and started choking a little. Snow White took this as surprise and cried “That’s it! He should make you squirt!”

I finally dislodged the offending shape and with a very unladylike snort sucked it back down my throat enough to answer.

“Uh, I don’t squirt. Sorry.”

“Oh but you will!” she said

I looked at her uncertainly. After all, it is the rare girl who can squirt these days. She pulled me down on a couch and pulled my knees apart.

“You’re going to feel like you need to pee. Just go with it. The key is to relax.” I shrugged and nodded. Who was I to pass up a free lesson? It was only fair to let the poor guy try.

Within seconds his fingers were in the trenches and working hard. Yikes what was he doing to me! Snow White was right, I really did have to pee! I squirmed and pulled a face but she was ready.

“Bear down!” she yelled over the music

“What the hell?” I screamed back. Since when was I giving birth? She jumped forward and pressed both her hands down hard on my abdomen.

“Holy fuck!” I cried. And no, not with pleasure. Imagine you really have to pee and there is a finger jammed to your core and then someone bounces onto your stomach like you’re a trampoline. Not much fun.

After a few more minutes Prince Charming stopped and I sagged back against the couch, relieved my poor little coochie was finger free once more.

“So it didn’t work huh?” I asked, thinking he had just got tired and stopped.

“No, of course it did, you totally squirted.”

“Huh-?” But I never got to finish that sentence, as his hand was shoved into my face and the evidence of my squirting fiasco was firmly implanted in my mind. Not to mention my eyes.

“Yeah babe rub it on her face. Ooh.” Snow White was cooing next to me, asking me how I felt, how amazing it was, how it wasn’t pee at all but womanly mist.

Well in that part she was right. I wouldn’t exactly describe it as ‘womanly mist’ but it certainly wasn’t pee. I still had it dripping down my face so of that fact I was very grateful.

Prince Charming was getting randy though and he started begging me to let him fuck me. I said of course, as soon as I went to pee.

Works every time.

After I toweled down I went in search of RB. I just wanted to make sure he was ok after his slightly disheartening start.

When I reached the orgy room again it was clear he had come back with a vengeance as the Minnie mouse I had pointed out to him earlier was doing the most marvelous things to him with her tongue. I watched for a few moments, making sure all was good. I didn’t want to sleep with him again, but as I had brought him here I felt a strange duty of care. Oh yeah, I could totally be a teacher.

…Ok maybe not.

But how did the night end? Did I go home with someone? Did I pass out from sheer sexual exhaustion? Did I get a tasty kebab?

Tune in next time to find out!

Claire xx

Good bonking song: Shake it Off

By: Taylor Swift

Best Used: For hard and fast girl on top bouncy sex. You go girlfriend!

When Disney Gets Dirty

Hello Lovers,

I have a secret. I walk the streets of the city and carry it around with me all day. I order lunch. I take the train. I work. And all with this one little secret that nobody knows.

I went to a sex party last night.

And I loved it! Oh my god Lovers you would not believe the night I had! It was so fantastic! Where to begin? Well I suppose firstly I’ll go right back to the beginning. One of my lovely new found friends took it upon herself to make me look like a goddess on the big night. She dyed my hair, cut it, styled it and drowned it in a can of hairspray (because, in her own words “it’s going to get sweaty in there.” How right she was.) She then did my nails, my makeup and all the while kept my glass full. For that and all the above I am supremely grateful. I felt confidant and sexy to hit this party with everything I had.

I arranged to meet RB at a cross street in the city near the club. This is where I could have very nearly let the whole night fall apart based on a single comment. I noticed RB on the other side of the street and went to cross over to him but instead he started crossing to me, so with a laugh I turned back to wait for him at the curb. It was at this moment a girl in a group of three looked at me with a snarl and said “What the fuck is she doing?” One of her friends thought she was talking to her but the girl made no qualms about pointing her finger at me and saying “No not you, That.” Her friend turned to look at me and with a snide giggle replied “Oh, That, yes I see what you mean.” And they all had a good giggle and walked off down the street, not knowing how close they had come to bringing the wall of confidence I had so steadily built up crashing down. Note to everyone, I was wearing casual clothes and just had my hair done up so there was no real reason for their cruelty. I sucked in a breath and met RB with a hug and a kiss. I told him quickly what had just transpired so I could get it off my chest and he replied with just what I wanted to hear.

“Pfft, what a bunch of sluts.”

I nodded in agreement and decided even though we were being oh so contradictory, that yes, they really were the biggest bunch of whore bags I had set eyes on. And with that, I forgot about Bitchy McSlagface and her friends and focused on the party.

As we walked I cracked open my secret weapon that I had bought last year at Sexpo and had been dying to use since. It was a natural energy drink for guys and gals, aptly named Wet and Hard. Making sure I didn’t get the two confused I passed Hard over to RB and proceeded to guzzle down the Wet, appropriately spilling a little down my chin as I did so. I knew they were just placebo drinks, but it was such a great way to start the night, plus I knew RB was terrified of not being able to get it up, so any nudge in the right direction was going to be great for him.

We reached the club (fittingly called Inflation) a few moments before finishing our drinks, so we stood out the front for a moment and took it all in. I was so god damn excited I could barely get my drink down. I squealed and grabbed RB’s arm as soon as I saw a man walk up to the door wearing a crown. This was it! We were definitely at the right place now. This was no fractured fairytale, this was real, oh so real! I noticed a girl looking at me with curiosity and I yelled out to her asking who she was going as. Without a word she unbuttoned her coat and flung it open to reveal a saucy Snow White costume. I gave her a thumbs up and a wink and we walked to the back of the line. Snow White gestured to me and when I walked over to her she pulled me into line with her.

“You don’t have to wait all the way back there.” she said “Stick with us! We’re new to this but our friends have been four times so they’re going to show us how it’s done!”

“Ok great!” I giggled, practically euphoric with excitement. We shook hands with her Prince Charming and headed inside to get our wristbands put on by a lovely 72 year old man in leather chaps. He smiled at me and said “Change room is in there.” I nodded and proceeded into the adjoining room.

This was not a ‘change room’ per say. It was a dance floor covered with half naked people ripping off their tawdry day life clothes and transforming themselves into Aladdin’s, Pocahontas’s and Tiger Lily’s. I dived straight in and yanked my shorts off, throwing them into the provided plastic bag with glee. RB was dressed quickly as he didn’t have any frustrating clips, ties and hooks to deal with unlike me. He knelt down and helped me out with my garter belt and as he did I took my first real look around. As I did I noticed Snow White’s Prince Charming giving me a hungry look and I smiled shyly at him. I stepped back so the Big Bad Wolf could get past me to his woman and help her get her shoes on. When I looked to my left I saw pair after pair of the most adorable couples helping each other get changed. There was so much love in the room at that moment. And I don’t mean the sticky kind. You could see that most of these people truly cared about each other and were just interested in getting  more pleasure for each other. There was a couple in their sixties behind me, a pair of girls in their late thirties to my right and a couple who could have been anywhere over their seventies on my other side. By this time I was raring to go. I couldn’t wait to see more! But RB was having issues with my garter belt, so I asked Maleficant to help me out. Before long I had her, Little Red Riding Hood and The Cheshire Cat crowded around my ass, shining their cameras on my butt to get a little more light. Finally with a cheer we achieved success and we all congratulated each other on a job well done. I was ten minutes in and already I loved these people.

We gave our things to the Mufasa in the coat room and before I knew it Snow White was dragging me upstairs to see more. We hit the roof top and my eyes couldn’t take enough in. It was wall to wall boobs, butt’s and bananas. (Seriously the food platters had all sorts of fruit on them.) We started talking to Snow White and I saw her give a cheeky grin to RB. I decided to dive in and get things started.

“Why don’t you guys make out?” I said boldly. At that Snow White looked at me like I’d just kicked her puppy.

“No.” she said flatly.

Huh, this was not what I had expected at all. From talking to them I knew they were experienced in the lifestyle and often went to house parties. So what was the problem here? Had I missed some sort of secret code? Was I supposed to ask in Pig Latin or something to make it more mysterious? But then my question was answered when she purred “I’d much rather kiss you.”

I cackled with laughter as relief flooded through me. Phew! I hadn’t accidentally mortally offended my very first swinger friend. With a shrug and a smile I leaned forward and we shared a cheeky pash. She was pretty good too, for a girl.

I could feel RB bristling uncomfortably beside me and I sighed, he was still so freaked out. What a weirdo. I told Snow White and her Prince we were off to grab a drink and we left to check out the bottom floor.

We made a beeline straight for the bar and ordered two tequila shots. I was happy to stay on beer but RB was bugging out. I couldn’t understand why an attractive thirty year old man could be so wierded out by open shows of sexuality. Odd, very odd. We took a walk up to the second floor and that was where I found one of my favourite place of the night “The Grope Box.” Yes it’s exactly what it sounds like. Someone stands in a dark box and you stick your hands through the holes and have your way with them. I had quite a lot of fun tormenting some poor lads in that box. I’d play with them until they were at the edge and then pull my hand back. The whimpers and moans coming from them was great, as was the fun of dodging their hands as they reached out of the box for me. Small pleasures I guess 😉

RB was still out of sorts and wanted another drink so down to bottom floor we trecked again. This time it was slightly more crowded. As I ordered a beer I noticed something out of the corner of my eye and turned to look into one of the booths by the bar. Four people were inside. One woman had her legs spread about as wide as she could get them and the other three were going to town. It was like an all you can eat buffet in that booth! The woman had her hands clasped on the leather cushions, the whites of her knuckles clearly visible. One of her friends came up for a breath and kissed her hard on the mouth, while one of the others decided to take a break and take up residency on her breasts. I was transfixed. This. Was. Awesome.

I dragged RB to a seat across from the bar and got myself comfortable. This night was going to be quite the show. As I looked up I noticed three men sitting in a row on a bench almost opposite us. Between each of their knees was a girl giving head furiously. These girls weren’t messing around and whiplash was a real danger. Before long one of the three guys picked his woman up and was giving it to her hard. All the while people around them were chatting, snacking on chips and just generally having a nice time. RB tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to a couple in front of us. Genie was in between Jasmine’s legs and boy was Jasmine screaming. In a flash he was up and giving her a good thrashing with his lamp, which she was loving every second of.

“This is great!” I yelled to RB over the pumping music. He nodded, a big smile on his face. I inwardly sighed with relief. He was finally starting to relax.

“They’re starting a bit early though aren’t they?” he shouted. I shrugged, too overcome with sublime happiness to comment. I had literally never been this happy at a bar with only two or three drinks in me. Suddenly I noticed Minnie Mouse giving RB a look and I nudged him and pointed. He looked and commented that she was probably with her boyfriend. My inward sigh suddenly turned to a groan as my annoyance at him grew. Good god man, she’s at a sex party! Even if it is her boyfriend, he is more than likely happy to share her with you and many other takers.

I decided it was time to get into the action. I looked to my right and I was confronted with a fascinating sight. One girl, two guys and she was giving them head at the same time. I wanted to applaud her right then and there but thought better of it thinking it might throw off her rhythm. The girl certainly had skills! Sadly not the type that makes it onto Britains Got Talent, but if they let this stuff on I would definitely be tuning in every week! I was so transfixed by her talent that I didn’t notice one of the guys watching me until he was tracing his hand along my chin. I looked up, startled out of my reverie. He smiled and asked if I’d like to join the girl currently servicing him. I laughed and told him it looked like she had things covered. He asked if I wanted to make out instead. With a quick glance at RB I nodded and stood up and kissed him. He was definitely a good kisser and I think he enjoyed my technique, although his moaning was probably due much more to what was happening south of his belly button than my kisses. I broke away for a moment, conscious that RB was sitting behind me like a stunned mullet.

“That your boyfriend?” he asked. I shook my head vehemently and mouthed “Back up.” at him. He nodded knowingly as I explained how I should probably try and involve him as he did come with me.

“Why don’t you bend over and kiss him and I’ll kiss your ass?”


“Uh, you’re not going to slip it in are you? Cause I don’t want to do anyone at the moment.” I said firmly. He assured me he wouldn’t, saying it was obvious I was new to this and he would do as much or as little as I wanted. I was so overwhelmed by his kindness I gave him another snog as thanks. After a quick conversation warning him that I was not the rimming type and he should stick firmly to the cheeks, I bent over and pashed RB long and hard. I don’t know if you guys have tried this, but having someone kiss you on the butt while you kiss someone else is actually loads of fun! Even more so when someone else decided to join in and started simultaneously playing with RB and flicking my nipples. (I tell you you really have to be ambidextrous to attend these parties) I decided to stop soon after for two reasons. The first being I really didn’t want to fart in Mr nice mans face and secondly, it was all a bit of a sensory overload. I yanked RB up and we made our apologies. We crossed the room to the bean bag section and flopped down onto one, breathless and excited.

Having fun yet Lovers? I certainly was! That’s it for tonight but tomorrow it’s the second half! And if you think things are wild now, just you wait!

Claire xx

Pick up Line of the week: Is your Dad a parking Inspector? Cause you got fine written all over you!

The night before…

Ok Lovers, it’s the day before the big one!

That’s right, this time tomorrow night I shall be decked out in my Cruella Deville finery, slapping asses and taking names! Or at the very least getting my own ass slapped 😉

I’m filled with a sticky moist clump of feelings that threaten to overwhelm me and pull me down into their mucky mess. (Who knows, I might like that!) I feel excited, nervous and of course, violently turned on. But what to expect? What if for once I am the virgin in the room? Will I be thrust back into my awkward teenage years, with the thought of even a knee grasp sending me into spasms of terror? Luckily in this instance I have the glorious advantage of being drinking age and can get a little (or a lot) of dutch courage going before I take the plunge.

But fear not Lovers, I will remain coherent and lucid the entire night so I can absorb every minute detail of this sordid affair. I will put my nose to the slightly sticky grindstone and do the hard yards for your reading pleasure. But I still can’t help thinking, have I done enough? Sure the costume is complete, (looking bloody delicious if I do say so myself. I will feel quite comfortable serving my own butt up on a plate it will look that tasty.) the nails only slightly bitten down and of course the wax has been… waxed. But should I have done more? Sure I got a brazillian, but should I have gotten an enema too? Should I have inquired after anal bleaching? Vajazzling? Sordid henna tattoos between the lips? What if I fart on someone like I almost did to the poor beauty therapist today? Hey nobody can judge until they’ve had their knees pulled up to their chest with someone tearing strips off their ass. She finished just in time I can tell you!

I suppose there’s nothing to do but take a big gulp of air that’s been watered down with vodka, and take the party between my knees and hump it into submission.

If you don’t hear from me again Lovers, it’s because I have seen what cannot be unseen and turned to a nunnery for shelter, or because I am still tied to a cross with a pirate taking great delight in plundering my treasure chest (because I draw the line at booty)

Wish me luck Lovers!

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: Save a horse, ride a cowboy

P.S I will let you know of RB’s bedroom faux pa asap 😉

Mr Backup Takes the Plunge

Urgh, I tell you Lovers, university does nothing to improve your love life!

Every time I see some hot piece of ass from behind I get all excited and speed up to see the hunk of spunks face. Every single time it turns out to be some pubescent little boy who is well within jail-bait territory. Gah! Why temp me with such a perky butt and manly hairy legs if the front view is going to look like one of the Planeteers? (By the way if you don’t know that reference I feel sorry for you as your childhood was clearly lacking. 😉 Anyways, enough of my stagnant uni endeavours, it’s time to fill you in on some more RB details! Like I’ll bet a few of you are wondering what RB actually stands for? All will be revealed soon my friends…

So, after the excitement poolside had worn off, myself and RB made plans to meet up for a bit of a week night tete-a-tete. We arranged for a little ‘movie night’ which was obviously code for “We will put a movie on and get past the opening credits and then it’s go time.” That’s what everyone means by movie night right? Or is that just me…

Anyways RB sauntered over to my house at around 6pm. (of course we had to go to my house because I have my own room, not something you think would be a problem when your seeing a thirty year old.) I was instantly concerned when he asked if there was a bottle shop near my house. It was a Tuesday night! What could he want booze for? Was he a bit of a alchoholic? I shook my head and giggled. Oh Claire, I thought to myself, you and your crazy thoughts! He clearly just likes a drink or two and maybe wanted to lighten the mood. Still, I’m a very firm believer in if you can’t fuck them sober, never fuck them drunk, so I told him there wasn’t one within ten k’s. Hey it’s not my fault if he didn’t see the one he had to walk past to get to my house. We decided to watch Paul. Funny, light and just the right amount of sexual innuendo. For some reason I decided we should watch it in the lounge room. Even though we both knew he was coming over for sex, I didn’t want to just assume he would get it. (Even though he definitely would) Aren’t us girls fickle? To my suprise, RB was awkward, even nervous! He sat on the couch as stiff as a board and it was only when I languorously slopped myself on top of him with my mouth placed inconspicuously close to his crotch, that he began to relax.

To my disappointment, the movie had finished without so much as a cheeky thigh slap, let alone hands down pants. Determined to resolve the situation, I dragged him downstairs into my den of iniquity (otherwise known as my boudoir) and shoved him onto the bed. And then… We talked. For hours. And I tell you lovers I was not loving everything that came out of his mouth. First of all, he’s a racist bastard and a picky one at that. I was talking of my friend’s love interests leaning towards those of Indian descent when he screwed up his nose as if I’d farted. I took a quick sniff to make sure I hadn’t and then asked him about the pooh pooh face. Turns out he hates Indians. That’s right, doesn’t just not like them, hates them. What the fuck? What did they ever do to you? Make too many delicious poppadoms for you to feast on? Have sari’s that are too cool for school? Incense you with rage and jealousy because of their natural tan?

No, turned out he thought they were just horrible people who were lazy and never did any work and bludged. It was at this moment that I struck him off my dating list. Never, and I mean never will I date a man who is that racist. We all have our little cultural slips, offending people without meaning too or not being as politically correct as we should be, but to openly declare hate for a whole race of people is entirely abhorrent to me. I quickly moved him from dating list to fuck buddy list. Maybe without the buddy, cause we sure as hell weren’t going to be friends after that little confession. And that was how he got his oh so charming nickname, Racist Buble. Simple, succinct and accurate. Oh but there was so much more. Turns out he just may have Aspergers Syndrome and really isn’t afraid to speak his mind about it. Over and over he told me of instances where he had been a total dick and really didn’t care. He loved when he was a chef because he could be a douche and it was just accepted. Wow, talk about a keeper. He then went on to talk about how completely and utterly he had been into drugs only six months or so ago. And did he stop out of a resolve to better his life? That’s a negative. The dude got hit by a car!

Still, he has a very nice body and one of the nicest schlongs I had seen in a very long time. I decided it was time for him to shut up. If I heard one more bad thing about him I was going to have to throw him out the window or let my cat eat him. So I put the moves on. Luckily he got the message and shut his damn trap as my mouth focused on an area a little south of there. He liked my technique, always a good sign, but I wasn’t going to let him blow it all over his chest, no no. I hadn’t sat through hours of chit chat for a quickie blow job and a good night. We only had one condom (Which of course was supplied by me. What is it these days with dudes not packing?) so we had to make it work first time. He slipped down between my legs and went to work. It wasn’t bad. It kept my mind off the doctors appointment I had to make the next day, so I guess that’s a good sign. I’m just not a cunnilingus type of gal I spose, something I intend to remedy in the future with some well timed tantra workshops. (I’ll keep you posted) When I’d had enough I dragged him up by the hair and told him where to stick it. Maybe a little more eloquently than that but who can remember in the moment?

And he was off! Good god it was a workout! He liked it deep, that was clear, as my ankles were up around my ears in a heartbeat. Jesus I didn’t even have time to stretch! He was pumping away, having a grand old time, and boy it had just been so long that I was loving every second of it. I felt exhilarated and let out a little whoop of ecstasy. He misconstrued this as an orgasm but I just shrugged. Let the boy think what he wants, whatever keeps it up. After about five or so minute of being pounded into my mattress in the most titillating of ways, it was my turn to take over. I jumped on top and went to town. I’ll spare you the finer details if you wish but all you need to know is the big O was achieved! Fricking fantastic fuck it was. After I was done I did the obligatory “Your turn.” And of course he chose doggy. Sadly the condom was not made for such frantic frolicking and lost most of it’s elasticity and therefore most of it’s use. Like the lady I am I offered to finish him off with a blowjob which he accepted (really had to twist his arm on that one.) I worked on him for a while but he’d lost most of his mojo after starting and stopping. I didn’t mind. I lay back with my arms behind my head, satisfied for once, that I had come and the guy hadn’t. I think this is what Carrie was talking about in Sex and the City when she speaks of “Having sex like a man.” Taking care of your own needs and then rolling off and falling asleep. It was pure magic.

If only I had known that our next encounter would be a completely different story and would thrust me into a situation I had never ever hoped to be in….

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: Nice shoes, wanna fuck?

Mr Backup revealed!

Hello Lovers,

As I log into Spotify and press play on the Sexy Tunes playlist, I am in the mood to spill. As the definitive Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack pulses through my laptop, reminding me of many a saucy sexploit, I have decided it’s time to tell you about my backup, RB. For those of you who haven’t been reading along, I am in need of a backup as I will be attending one of the biggest sexual parties in Australia in only a few weeks. The wax is booked, the costume almost complete and now the man. I met said man in my usual way these days, on Tinder. I was skeptical at first as he was simply delicious in his first photo, reminiscent of Michael Buble before he got all happy and chubby. But all his other photos left something to be desired. He just looked a bit… meh. And if you’re going to get dressed up to the nines for a date, you want to know it’s for something a little more than a meh. But I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt (I’m a sucker for Buble) and so we arranged to meet in the city and play a little pool.

My first impression was good. He had the Buble look (thank god) so I immediately wanted to lick his face, but abstained through sheer force of will. He procured me a beer like a gentleman and we started to play. And I don’t just mean pool. Oh sure we did the old ‘ooh I’m bending over in front of you and you’re pretending not to look and I’m pretending not to stand on tiptoes to make my ass look as pert as possible for your viewing pleasure’ but we also played one of my favourite date games. It’s called Never Have I Ever. If you haven’t played it’s basically truth or dare without the dare. Things started innocently enough with questions flying past such as ” Never have I ever had pets.” Then moved slightly downward into “Never have I ever had sex in public.” Until we were in the territory of “Never have I ever had a fetish.” Now this is where things got interesting my friends. I explained to him my very popular fetish of role play (dressing up as school girl, nurse, beer wench, hell anything will do) and of course he lapped that up, but when it was his turn to answer he shied away.

I was instantly intrigued.

What could his secret fetish be? Feet? Blow up dolls? Looning? (that’s when you get super turned on by balloons and such, look it up if you’ve got a free afternoon, very interesting stuff.) I didn’t press him about it. If he was going to tell me I wanted it to be of his own free will and not me wheedling at him. God, it was killing me though! On the upside I was flogging him at pool, always a nice feeling. After the third game we kissed.

He needed some work staying in between the lines and he really had to learn to slow down, but overall it wasn’t a totally terrible lip lock. After that I knew I was close to getting it out of him. And true to form, in about fifteen minutes he was pulling me aside to murmur it in my ear.

” I like anal.” he said, in hushed tones. I looked at him gobsmacked. That’s it? Anal? Bitch please, give me something to work with at least! My disappointment at his revelation must have shown on my face because he hurriedly went on.

“No no, not like that. I mean I like getting anal.”

“Oh!” I exhaled, shocked that this so manly of specimens loved a big ol cock up the ass as much as the next… gay guy? Was he gay? Is that what he was saying? I asked him as much and he hurriedly assured me that that was not the case. Maybe bi, but definitely not gay. But here’s the evidence peeps, he has had sex with three men, bottoming every time, and not in the style one would assume. RB pressed the point that he did not like men at all and yet when I asked what position he bottomed in it was missionary every time. And did he kiss said gentlemen? Sure did. My mind was racing. Straight? Gay? Bi? Did it matter? And then he launched into his fantasy: A girl fucking him with a strap on.


Now you know me Lovers, I am about as open-minded as they come, but messing with gender roles is a weird one even for me. Would I be able to fuck like a man? Would I like giving it to a man hard and fast as he writhed underneath me? I still don’t know. Once you’ve gone there it’s difficult to come back. How would we have sex after that? Would we have to take turns? Sex would change forever and vanilla would never be enough. Chocolate all the way…


Still, I wasn’t about to let this nugget of information stop me from having a great date and get to know this fascinating man better. Four beers and four games down we decided to switch it up and go have some dinner. Two more beers and a club sandwich later I had him cornered in the unisex bathroom with my tongue down his throat. He had told me he lived in the city (perfect) and that he lived with four other people, three of who he shared a room with in bunk beds (fuck right off) but also that he had access to a pool and sauna. Being that my sign is Cancer and we are children of the water I could think of nothing more fun than checking out this pool and sauna he spoke of. The idea of me swimming in nothing but my underwear was enough to convince RB and we skipped over to his place quick smart. (Of course I would have swum naked if it was his pool but considering it was shared between about 200 people I thought it best to take precautions.) We were almost at his place when he decided we simply must get some more beer for the pool side. I was pretty much done for the night so didn’t care but he was adamant so we popped into a bottle shop.

After quickly meeting his room mates (they seemed to appear from everywhere in the tiny two bedroom apartment) so RB could retrieve his towel we headed down to the pool room which was, thankfully, empty save for us. I slipped off my shorts and top as sexily as I could, which after six beers was pretty much the equivalent of a walrus dance, and sidled up to him.

“Coming in?” I breathed

” Uh the waters pretty cold.” he said.

Ugh great he’s a total pussy! I mentally stamped my foot petulantly, annoyed he didn’t realise that I would obviously warm him up once we were in. Geez why does nobody think like me? After some gentle cajoling and then some not so gentle name calling I had him at the edge of the pool. With a deep breath and a butt slap we jumped in, breaking the surface with a gasp and a scream. Instantly he was shivering. Pfft, what a lame ass. I swam over to him and wrapped my arms and legs around him, pressing him tight in all the right places. It was actually kind of cute, his shivering. I liked the fact that I could be in control and warm him up. I pushed him to the side of the pool and kissed him hard.

“You know what I’m good at?” I asked. He shook his head, water spraying everywhere. I winked at him and answered “Holding my breath.”

And with that I was underwater, his shorts in my hands and his cock in my mouth. I could feel his shock and delight as I pulled him into my mouth, and I was delighted at how much there was to get my mouth around. Win win really. The hardest thing about the whole blow job was how to make my feet look sexy as they floated to the surface. Nothing ruins a good bj more than a bad visual, and my legs flopping around like free willy was not going to get his blow hole gushing anytime soon. I opted for the sexy secretary leg cross which seemed to do the trick. I duck dived down on him three or four times before he told me he really had to get out of the pool because of the cold. I was disappointed, but when I saw the sheen of blue around his lips I quickly forgave him and we moved to the sauna. Now in movies saunas are very sexy. In real life it was so goddam hot I could feel my nostrils burning. Good god that steam could smart! Never the less, I pushed through, thinking not only of the health benefits but the fact that I could play with him and the steam created a lovely sweat lubricant. We talked for some time, and that’s when I found out he had type 1 diabetes. Instantly I was more gentle, thinking I could break him with one touch. He laughed it off and said it was no big deal, just annoying and lots of needles. I was finding out so much about this crazy complex guy. It was certainly a lot to take in (much like his cock wink wink) Finally though it was time to leave. I popped his shorts back on and we promised each other that we would wait at least a week before we slept together. (Bahahahahaha) After a kiss goodbye I was out the door and running for my train. Could this be it? Was he the one? Had I finally found it?

Tune in next time to find out what happens on date two Lovers!

Claire xx

Alternative Words

Penis = Ankle Spanker                                 Breasts = Angel Cakes                                Sex = Scour the Pipes

Wait, you want to do what?

Well what do you know Lovers! This girl is turning into a journalist!

Well, not really 😉 But what I did do was write an article for my uni magazine. That’s right, my entire uni will soon be sexucated about all the delightful little tidbits I care to share. (Those poor little first years just out of high school won’t know what hit them.) So I thought I would share my article with you, my loving followers, and see if it’s up to your exacting standards!

Enjoy Lovers (and here’s hoping you learn a thing or two)

Everybody loves sex. Admit it. When we’re not having it , we’re thinking about it, and when we’re not thinking about it… Well, that just never happens does it? But what happens when your regular stick it in, guy on girl, missionary, cowgirl, then the big finish in doggie just doesn’t cut the mustard? What if in fact, it was the mustard itself that was the sexiest part of the act?

That’s right, we’re talking fetishes. Not some weak Fifty Shades bondage nonsense, we’re talking about the underground stuff. The stuff buried so deep, you never even knew it existed, let alone classified it as sexy. So read on if you dare brave soul, and prepare to feel most decidedly vanilla in the bedroom next to these colourful creatures.


We start with a very violent bang. This fetish involves deriving sexual pleasure by tearing out sexual organs by the roots. Luckily the mere thought alone can be enough to cream one’s jeans, but just in case you do meet one of these chaps, hold onto your flaps ladies.


Yes it’s as disgusting as it sounds. Got a nasty cold you just can’t shift? Pesky nose won’t stop running? It’s time to bring in the big guns. These slimy sisters get off on mucus. And not just looking or touching, no no, they consume it. So next time you blow your nose and callously toss your tissue away, spare a thought for the orgasm you could have just had.


More commonly known as “Worming” this charming fetish involves licking the object of your desire’s eyeballs. Maybe that’s where the title “Eyes Wide Shut” stemmed from? But if that’s too tame for you, you can always graduate to the raunchier of penis + eye = sexy sexy tears.


Ever had a boyfriend who was just a douche? Seemed to do everything in his power to put you down and just make you plain miserable? Well, he may have been one of these badboys. These guys get their jollies by making people cry. Tears and sobbing are Love Potion #9 to these gems of sexual society.

Lucky last…


You’ve got to be a certain type of man to measure up to this girls standards. Or technically, less of a man. These crazy cats get all wet and flustered by amputees. Not so dissimilar is the sisterhood of Apotemnophilia. Ladies who are just dying to look like or actually be an amputee.

So the next time your partner asks if they can tie you up and suck Doritos from in between your toes, don’t freak out. Be grateful!

(Just be on the look out for snotty tissues.)

Ta da! Hope you enjoyed my sweet little sex fiends 😉

The old posts may be a little slower now that I’ve started the dreaded university but I promise I won’t forget you and will update as much as possible!

Until next time Lovers



Pick up line of the week: I hope you like dragons, cause I’ll be dragon my balls across your face tonight!