As I log into Spotify and press play on the Sexy Tunes playlist, I am in the mood to spill. As the definitive Fifty Shades of Grey soundtrack pulses through my laptop, reminding me of many a saucy sexploit, I have decided it’s time to tell you about my backup, RB. For those of you who haven’t been reading along, I am in need of a backup as I will be attending one of the biggest sexual parties in Australia in only a few weeks. The wax is booked, the costume almost complete and now the man. I met said man in my usual way these days, on Tinder. I was skeptical at first as he was simply delicious in his first photo, reminiscent of Michael Buble before he got all happy and chubby. But all his other photos left something to be desired. He just looked a bit… meh. And if you’re going to get dressed up to the nines for a date, you want to know it’s for something a little more than a meh. But I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt (I’m a sucker for Buble) and so we arranged to meet in the city and play a little pool.
My first impression was good. He had the Buble look (thank god) so I immediately wanted to lick his face, but abstained through sheer force of will. He procured me a beer like a gentleman and we started to play. And I don’t just mean pool. Oh sure we did the old ‘ooh I’m bending over in front of you and you’re pretending not to look and I’m pretending not to stand on tiptoes to make my ass look as pert as possible for your viewing pleasure’ but we also played one of my favourite date games. It’s called Never Have I Ever. If you haven’t played it’s basically truth or dare without the dare. Things started innocently enough with questions flying past such as ” Never have I ever had pets.” Then moved slightly downward into “Never have I ever had sex in public.” Until we were in the territory of “Never have I ever had a fetish.” Now this is where things got interesting my friends. I explained to him my very popular fetish of role play (dressing up as school girl, nurse, beer wench, hell anything will do) and of course he lapped that up, but when it was his turn to answer he shied away.
I was instantly intrigued.
What could his secret fetish be? Feet? Blow up dolls? Looning? (that’s when you get super turned on by balloons and such, look it up if you’ve got a free afternoon, very interesting stuff.) I didn’t press him about it. If he was going to tell me I wanted it to be of his own free will and not me wheedling at him. God, it was killing me though! On the upside I was flogging him at pool, always a nice feeling. After the third game we kissed.
He needed some work staying in between the lines and he really had to learn to slow down, but overall it wasn’t a totally terrible lip lock. After that I knew I was close to getting it out of him. And true to form, in about fifteen minutes he was pulling me aside to murmur it in my ear.
” I like anal.” he said, in hushed tones. I looked at him gobsmacked. That’s it? Anal? Bitch please, give me something to work with at least! My disappointment at his revelation must have shown on my face because he hurriedly went on.
“No no, not like that. I mean I like getting anal.”
“Oh!” I exhaled, shocked that this so manly of specimens loved a big ol cock up the ass as much as the next… gay guy? Was he gay? Is that what he was saying? I asked him as much and he hurriedly assured me that that was not the case. Maybe bi, but definitely not gay. But here’s the evidence peeps, he has had sex with three men, bottoming every time, and not in the style one would assume. RB pressed the point that he did not like men at all and yet when I asked what position he bottomed in it was missionary every time. And did he kiss said gentlemen? Sure did. My mind was racing. Straight? Gay? Bi? Did it matter? And then he launched into his fantasy: A girl fucking him with a strap on.
Now you know me Lovers, I am about as open-minded as they come, but messing with gender roles is a weird one even for me. Would I be able to fuck like a man? Would I like giving it to a man hard and fast as he writhed underneath me? I still don’t know. Once you’ve gone there it’s difficult to come back. How would we have sex after that? Would we have to take turns? Sex would change forever and vanilla would never be enough. Chocolate all the way…
Still, I wasn’t about to let this nugget of information stop me from having a great date and get to know this fascinating man better. Four beers and four games down we decided to switch it up and go have some dinner. Two more beers and a club sandwich later I had him cornered in the unisex bathroom with my tongue down his throat. He had told me he lived in the city (perfect) and that he lived with four other people, three of who he shared a room with in bunk beds (fuck right off) but also that he had access to a pool and sauna. Being that my sign is Cancer and we are children of the water I could think of nothing more fun than checking out this pool and sauna he spoke of. The idea of me swimming in nothing but my underwear was enough to convince RB and we skipped over to his place quick smart. (Of course I would have swum naked if it was his pool but considering it was shared between about 200 people I thought it best to take precautions.) We were almost at his place when he decided we simply must get some more beer for the pool side. I was pretty much done for the night so didn’t care but he was adamant so we popped into a bottle shop.
After quickly meeting his room mates (they seemed to appear from everywhere in the tiny two bedroom apartment) so RB could retrieve his towel we headed down to the pool room which was, thankfully, empty save for us. I slipped off my shorts and top as sexily as I could, which after six beers was pretty much the equivalent of a walrus dance, and sidled up to him.
“Coming in?” I breathed
” Uh the waters pretty cold.” he said.
Ugh great he’s a total pussy! I mentally stamped my foot petulantly, annoyed he didn’t realise that I would obviously warm him up once we were in. Geez why does nobody think like me? After some gentle cajoling and then some not so gentle name calling I had him at the edge of the pool. With a deep breath and a butt slap we jumped in, breaking the surface with a gasp and a scream. Instantly he was shivering. Pfft, what a lame ass. I swam over to him and wrapped my arms and legs around him, pressing him tight in all the right places. It was actually kind of cute, his shivering. I liked the fact that I could be in control and warm him up. I pushed him to the side of the pool and kissed him hard.
“You know what I’m good at?” I asked. He shook his head, water spraying everywhere. I winked at him and answered “Holding my breath.”
And with that I was underwater, his shorts in my hands and his cock in my mouth. I could feel his shock and delight as I pulled him into my mouth, and I was delighted at how much there was to get my mouth around. Win win really. The hardest thing about the whole blow job was how to make my feet look sexy as they floated to the surface. Nothing ruins a good bj more than a bad visual, and my legs flopping around like free willy was not going to get his blow hole gushing anytime soon. I opted for the sexy secretary leg cross which seemed to do the trick. I duck dived down on him three or four times before he told me he really had to get out of the pool because of the cold. I was disappointed, but when I saw the sheen of blue around his lips I quickly forgave him and we moved to the sauna. Now in movies saunas are very sexy. In real life it was so goddam hot I could feel my nostrils burning. Good god that steam could smart! Never the less, I pushed through, thinking not only of the health benefits but the fact that I could play with him and the steam created a lovely sweat lubricant. We talked for some time, and that’s when I found out he had type 1 diabetes. Instantly I was more gentle, thinking I could break him with one touch. He laughed it off and said it was no big deal, just annoying and lots of needles. I was finding out so much about this crazy complex guy. It was certainly a lot to take in (much like his cock wink wink) Finally though it was time to leave. I popped his shorts back on and we promised each other that we would wait at least a week before we slept together. (Bahahahahaha) After a kiss goodbye I was out the door and running for my train. Could this be it? Was he the one? Had I finally found it?
Tune in next time to find out what happens on date two Lovers!
Penis = Ankle Spanker Breasts = Angel Cakes Sex = Scour the Pipes