I have a secret. I walk the streets of the city and carry it around with me all day. I order lunch. I take the train. I work. And all with this one little secret that nobody knows.
I went to a sex party last night.
And I loved it! Oh my god Lovers you would not believe the night I had! It was so fantastic! Where to begin? Well I suppose firstly I’ll go right back to the beginning. One of my lovely new found friends took it upon herself to make me look like a goddess on the big night. She dyed my hair, cut it, styled it and drowned it in a can of hairspray (because, in her own words “it’s going to get sweaty in there.” How right she was.) She then did my nails, my makeup and all the while kept my glass full. For that and all the above I am supremely grateful. I felt confidant and sexy to hit this party with everything I had.
I arranged to meet RB at a cross street in the city near the club. This is where I could have very nearly let the whole night fall apart based on a single comment. I noticed RB on the other side of the street and went to cross over to him but instead he started crossing to me, so with a laugh I turned back to wait for him at the curb. It was at this moment a girl in a group of three looked at me with a snarl and said “What the fuck is she doing?” One of her friends thought she was talking to her but the girl made no qualms about pointing her finger at me and saying “No not you, That.” Her friend turned to look at me and with a snide giggle replied “Oh, That, yes I see what you mean.” And they all had a good giggle and walked off down the street, not knowing how close they had come to bringing the wall of confidence I had so steadily built up crashing down. Note to everyone, I was wearing casual clothes and just had my hair done up so there was no real reason for their cruelty. I sucked in a breath and met RB with a hug and a kiss. I told him quickly what had just transpired so I could get it off my chest and he replied with just what I wanted to hear.
“Pfft, what a bunch of sluts.”
I nodded in agreement and decided even though we were being oh so contradictory, that yes, they really were the biggest bunch of whore bags I had set eyes on. And with that, I forgot about Bitchy McSlagface and her friends and focused on the party.
As we walked I cracked open my secret weapon that I had bought last year at Sexpo and had been dying to use since. It was a natural energy drink for guys and gals, aptly named Wet and Hard. Making sure I didn’t get the two confused I passed Hard over to RB and proceeded to guzzle down the Wet, appropriately spilling a little down my chin as I did so. I knew they were just placebo drinks, but it was such a great way to start the night, plus I knew RB was terrified of not being able to get it up, so any nudge in the right direction was going to be great for him.
We reached the club (fittingly called Inflation) a few moments before finishing our drinks, so we stood out the front for a moment and took it all in. I was so god damn excited I could barely get my drink down. I squealed and grabbed RB’s arm as soon as I saw a man walk up to the door wearing a crown. This was it! We were definitely at the right place now. This was no fractured fairytale, this was real, oh so real! I noticed a girl looking at me with curiosity and I yelled out to her asking who she was going as. Without a word she unbuttoned her coat and flung it open to reveal a saucy Snow White costume. I gave her a thumbs up and a wink and we walked to the back of the line. Snow White gestured to me and when I walked over to her she pulled me into line with her.
“You don’t have to wait all the way back there.” she said “Stick with us! We’re new to this but our friends have been four times so they’re going to show us how it’s done!”
“Ok great!” I giggled, practically euphoric with excitement. We shook hands with her Prince Charming and headed inside to get our wristbands put on by a lovely 72 year old man in leather chaps. He smiled at me and said “Change room is in there.” I nodded and proceeded into the adjoining room.
This was not a ‘change room’ per say. It was a dance floor covered with half naked people ripping off their tawdry day life clothes and transforming themselves into Aladdin’s, Pocahontas’s and Tiger Lily’s. I dived straight in and yanked my shorts off, throwing them into the provided plastic bag with glee. RB was dressed quickly as he didn’t have any frustrating clips, ties and hooks to deal with unlike me. He knelt down and helped me out with my garter belt and as he did I took my first real look around. As I did I noticed Snow White’s Prince Charming giving me a hungry look and I smiled shyly at him. I stepped back so the Big Bad Wolf could get past me to his woman and help her get her shoes on. When I looked to my left I saw pair after pair of the most adorable couples helping each other get changed. There was so much love in the room at that moment. And I don’t mean the sticky kind. You could see that most of these people truly cared about each other and were just interested in getting more pleasure for each other. There was a couple in their sixties behind me, a pair of girls in their late thirties to my right and a couple who could have been anywhere over their seventies on my other side. By this time I was raring to go. I couldn’t wait to see more! But RB was having issues with my garter belt, so I asked Maleficant to help me out. Before long I had her, Little Red Riding Hood and The Cheshire Cat crowded around my ass, shining their cameras on my butt to get a little more light. Finally with a cheer we achieved success and we all congratulated each other on a job well done. I was ten minutes in and already I loved these people.
We gave our things to the Mufasa in the coat room and before I knew it Snow White was dragging me upstairs to see more. We hit the roof top and my eyes couldn’t take enough in. It was wall to wall boobs, butt’s and bananas. (Seriously the food platters had all sorts of fruit on them.) We started talking to Snow White and I saw her give a cheeky grin to RB. I decided to dive in and get things started.
“Why don’t you guys make out?” I said boldly. At that Snow White looked at me like I’d just kicked her puppy.
“No.” she said flatly.
Huh, this was not what I had expected at all. From talking to them I knew they were experienced in the lifestyle and often went to house parties. So what was the problem here? Had I missed some sort of secret code? Was I supposed to ask in Pig Latin or something to make it more mysterious? But then my question was answered when she purred “I’d much rather kiss you.”
I cackled with laughter as relief flooded through me. Phew! I hadn’t accidentally mortally offended my very first swinger friend. With a shrug and a smile I leaned forward and we shared a cheeky pash. She was pretty good too, for a girl.
I could feel RB bristling uncomfortably beside me and I sighed, he was still so freaked out. What a weirdo. I told Snow White and her Prince we were off to grab a drink and we left to check out the bottom floor.
We made a beeline straight for the bar and ordered two tequila shots. I was happy to stay on beer but RB was bugging out. I couldn’t understand why an attractive thirty year old man could be so wierded out by open shows of sexuality. Odd, very odd. We took a walk up to the second floor and that was where I found one of my favourite place of the night “The Grope Box.” Yes it’s exactly what it sounds like. Someone stands in a dark box and you stick your hands through the holes and have your way with them. I had quite a lot of fun tormenting some poor lads in that box. I’d play with them until they were at the edge and then pull my hand back. The whimpers and moans coming from them was great, as was the fun of dodging their hands as they reached out of the box for me. Small pleasures I guess 😉
RB was still out of sorts and wanted another drink so down to bottom floor we trecked again. This time it was slightly more crowded. As I ordered a beer I noticed something out of the corner of my eye and turned to look into one of the booths by the bar. Four people were inside. One woman had her legs spread about as wide as she could get them and the other three were going to town. It was like an all you can eat buffet in that booth! The woman had her hands clasped on the leather cushions, the whites of her knuckles clearly visible. One of her friends came up for a breath and kissed her hard on the mouth, while one of the others decided to take a break and take up residency on her breasts. I was transfixed. This. Was. Awesome.
I dragged RB to a seat across from the bar and got myself comfortable. This night was going to be quite the show. As I looked up I noticed three men sitting in a row on a bench almost opposite us. Between each of their knees was a girl giving head furiously. These girls weren’t messing around and whiplash was a real danger. Before long one of the three guys picked his woman up and was giving it to her hard. All the while people around them were chatting, snacking on chips and just generally having a nice time. RB tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to a couple in front of us. Genie was in between Jasmine’s legs and boy was Jasmine screaming. In a flash he was up and giving her a good thrashing with his lamp, which she was loving every second of.
“This is great!” I yelled to RB over the pumping music. He nodded, a big smile on his face. I inwardly sighed with relief. He was finally starting to relax.
“They’re starting a bit early though aren’t they?” he shouted. I shrugged, too overcome with sublime happiness to comment. I had literally never been this happy at a bar with only two or three drinks in me. Suddenly I noticed Minnie Mouse giving RB a look and I nudged him and pointed. He looked and commented that she was probably with her boyfriend. My inward sigh suddenly turned to a groan as my annoyance at him grew. Good god man, she’s at a sex party! Even if it is her boyfriend, he is more than likely happy to share her with you and many other takers.
I decided it was time to get into the action. I looked to my right and I was confronted with a fascinating sight. One girl, two guys and she was giving them head at the same time. I wanted to applaud her right then and there but thought better of it thinking it might throw off her rhythm. The girl certainly had skills! Sadly not the type that makes it onto Britains Got Talent, but if they let this stuff on I would definitely be tuning in every week! I was so transfixed by her talent that I didn’t notice one of the guys watching me until he was tracing his hand along my chin. I looked up, startled out of my reverie. He smiled and asked if I’d like to join the girl currently servicing him. I laughed and told him it looked like she had things covered. He asked if I wanted to make out instead. With a quick glance at RB I nodded and stood up and kissed him. He was definitely a good kisser and I think he enjoyed my technique, although his moaning was probably due much more to what was happening south of his belly button than my kisses. I broke away for a moment, conscious that RB was sitting behind me like a stunned mullet.
“That your boyfriend?” he asked. I shook my head vehemently and mouthed “Back up.” at him. He nodded knowingly as I explained how I should probably try and involve him as he did come with me.
“Why don’t you bend over and kiss him and I’ll kiss your ass?”
“Uh, you’re not going to slip it in are you? Cause I don’t want to do anyone at the moment.” I said firmly. He assured me he wouldn’t, saying it was obvious I was new to this and he would do as much or as little as I wanted. I was so overwhelmed by his kindness I gave him another snog as thanks. After a quick conversation warning him that I was not the rimming type and he should stick firmly to the cheeks, I bent over and pashed RB long and hard. I don’t know if you guys have tried this, but having someone kiss you on the butt while you kiss someone else is actually loads of fun! Even more so when someone else decided to join in and started simultaneously playing with RB and flicking my nipples. (I tell you you really have to be ambidextrous to attend these parties) I decided to stop soon after for two reasons. The first being I really didn’t want to fart in Mr nice mans face and secondly, it was all a bit of a sensory overload. I yanked RB up and we made our apologies. We crossed the room to the bean bag section and flopped down onto one, breathless and excited.
Having fun yet Lovers? I certainly was! That’s it for tonight but tomorrow it’s the second half! And if you think things are wild now, just you wait!
Pick up Line of the week: Is your Dad a parking Inspector? Cause you got fine written all over you!