And then my boob fell out…

Afternoon Lovers!

Hump day has arrived, huzzah! Clock off work early and run home for some sexy overtime! Or just do the normal thing and potentially keep your job 😉 So now that I’ve filled you in on my Irishman disaster it’s time to pick up where we left off with Rick, remember him? If you’ve forgotten just read back a few posts and it will all come flooding back to you, I promise.

So, the sex was great, the talks were great, his friends were, well, you can’t have everything right? Needless to say after that bumpy start I was well into nesting mode. I had my own drawer, my own music file on his computer and although he hadn’t given me a key yet, Rick did show me the easiest way to jump the fence. Love right?

We went out a lot. After all I was only eighteen and he was a secret drug fiend who loved to pop a pill or eight. One particular night we hit the town determined to have a fantastic night. We were very much into drinking competitions at that point. Strangely enough he always won, funny that. We had just finished round one, a beer and a shot of chartreuse to chase it, before moving onto the very club where we first met. It was fantastic. We danced, we pashed, we drank, and then suddenly it all fell apart.

I needed a breather as all the smoke from the machines was getting to me. Rick led me to the balcony and we had a chat and a glass of water. I was up on tiptoes just about to give him a kiss when everything went black. I couldn’t see a thing. I could hear and feel everything but I was completely blind. It was terrifying. And that’s when my legs gave out. I found myself slumped on Rick’s chest, unable to move or even open my eyes. I heard a commotion behind me and with a jolt of dread realized it was the bouncers closing in on us. Oh no, they would instantly think Rick had drugged me and was attempting to take me back to his seedy lair. Surprise surprise, that was exactly what B one and B two thought. I could hear poor Rick swearing that he was my boyfriend and that we’d only had a couple of drinks. I struggled to open my eyes, to move my arms, my legs, anything to help him out. And then I was airborne. I have no idea who carried me down the steps of the club, only that for a few scary seconds I couldn’t hear Rick’s voice at all. Where was he? Where was I being taken? Who was holding me? It was the most helpless I have ever felt in my entire life. What was happening to me?

Suddenly I felt the cool surface of brick as I was placed on the ground. I felt myself sliding to the side, falling, slipping ever so slowly towards the floor. It was humiliating. Everybody thought I was drunk, but even in my fuzzy mind I knew I had only had two beers and one shot. Even if I was tipsy this wouldn’t be happening, I never passed out, just ever so daintily spewed. Something was very very wrong. And then from my right, came Rick’s voice.

Never had I heard such a beautiful sound. I could feel tears slipping down my face as relief surged through me. As they fell from my face to my chest I was hit with another horrifying realization. My dress had slipped sideways when I fell and I was officially flashing the world. Why, why had I picked such a slutty dress? My nipple was on full display and I was so cold it was practically poking peoples eyes out as they passed by. Great day not to wear a bra Claire. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. A water bottle was pushed to my lips but I couldn’t part them so it just dribbled down my chin, mixing with my tears of humiliation. I could hear Rick yelling in the background, trying to tell the bouncers I wasn’t drunk and that I hadn’t taken anything. Finally they allowed him to get closer to me and he pulled my dress to rights once more. What he did next I will always and forever be thankful for. My Rick, my prince charming, took off his own shirt to cover me, afraid my dress might fail me again. I heard the wolf whistles and the jeers of passers by, but I had Rick in my ear, whispering soothing words, telling me it would be all right, that he would take care of me. And although I was more scared than I had ever been, I trusted that he would fix it, that he would make it all better.

The bouncers started yelling at Rick, we had to move on. I suppose it’s not a great look for a club, having a comatose girl and half naked guy sprawled out the front. They were good enough to hail us a taxi, which Rick had to pay for in advance. Honestly, people have no trust these days, why wouldn’t an unconscious girl and heavily tattooed shirtless man pay the fee? It’s not as if I could run anywhere. Luckily I didn’t get loaded into the boot, but gently placed in the back. As soon as the doors closed and we started moving, Rick’s arms encircled me and held me tight. He kept asking me to squeeze his hand but it was almost impossible for me. I could hear the fear in his voice as he contemplated taking me to hospital. I hate hospitals. Ever since I broke my arm and they didn’t let me eat dinner before my operation, they have always reminded me of being hungry and sore.  And so with a supreme effort born only from my love of food, I managed to give his hand a gentle squeeze. Phew, crisis averted. As we rode in the taxi things slowly started coming back to me. I still couldn’t open my eyes but I managed to slur across to Rick that there was no way we were going to a hospital. My man Rick, he knew exactly what I needed. Even with my eyes jammed shut, there was no mistaking the staticky feedback of the Macdonalds drive-thru. He even remembered to ask for my cheeseburger with no pickles. Swoon.

When we finally arrived back at Rick’s I could finally move my legs a little. He leant me up against the boot of the taxi as he scooped my purse out of the backseat. Thank god the taxi didn’t choose to drive off at that moment, or it would have been Claire Roadkill. Rick gently picked me up and carried me into his room, resting the warm fast food against my stomach. It felt kind of nice actually, like a salty heat pack. He laid me on the bed and I felt a chip at my lips. Rick coaxed my mouth open and I eventually chewed and swallowed it. Not such a great idea, as the chip came back up three times faster than it had gone down. Luckily Rick still had the paper bag in his hand and shoved it in front of my face before I could spray the bed. Great, just what I needed, another humiliating moment in this so perfect of nights. My only saving grace was that I still couldn’t see so at least I didn’t have to witness the look of disgust on Rick’s face. He left to go dispose of the bag and I tried to roll into a more comfortable position.

Unfortunately being so disorientated meant that I misjudged what side of the bed I was on and rolled straight on to the floor. Onto the cold, hard concrete floor. Mother of God that smarts, I screamed to myself. I lay there, unable to get up, willing Rick to get back in the room and put me out of my misery. Once he did return though, he thought I’d run off in a fit of hallucinations and spent the next ten minutes combing the backyard for me! He finally realized I would have to be in his room and found me prostrate on the floor. If it was me, I would have laughed my ass off, but he didn’t so much as smirk. (Well hopefully he didn’t, after all I was blind remember.)

Gently placing me back on the bed, he took my shoes and dress off, stepped out of his pants, and slid into bed, his arms encircling me tightly. Just before I was about to drift off to sleep, he whispered in my ear that he would never let anything happen to me, and that he loved me. And even in that drug-induced state, I knew instantly that I loved him too.

Urgh, the next morning was hell. I woke up at four in the afternoon feeling like I’d been run over by a truck. My eyes cracked open and I instantly shut them again as the sun streamed across my face. I tried to sit up but that was a one way road to vomit town, so I satisfied myself with leaning on one elbow. Not long after I had assumed this position, Rick came in with a glass of water. I swear water had never looked so good. If he had of asked me to do a strip tease to Bollywood music with a maraca in my mouth, at that moment I think I would have done it, just for a sip of that water. Luckily, he was much more gracious and offered it to me free of charge. I glugged it down, feeling the soothing coolness hit my throat like a waterfall of awesomeness. When I finally finished the glass, I noticed Rick eyeing me warily.

“What?” I asked, suddenly self conscious

“I was really worried about you,” he said “How are you feeling now?”

I sat for a moment, assessing myself. How did I feel? Apart from embarrassed, humiliated and all round crappy, I felt ok. It was like a normal hangover, times ten. Rick let me know later in the day that three other girls had been escorted from the club in the same state as I was. The police suspected drink spiking but they never found the guy. Or maybe it was a lady, after all my small boobs and bushy hair tend to attract the lesbian kind more often than not. I shivered involuntarily as I tried to picture how differently the scene might have played out had Rick not been there. I jumped up and threw my arms around him, bursting into tears as I did so. Every breath I took was exhaled as a thank you. I was just so grateful, and I knew I could never repay him. After the hug was over things got a little more heated. After all nothing cures a headache like a little down time in the sack. They don’t call it sexual healing for nothing you know.

So Lovers, you must be thinking, wow this Rick guy is amazing! They must have wed and had seven happy tattooed children! But alas, our tattoo clan was not to be. Tune in next time for the road to icky sticky breakup. (Sticky because there was a lot of breakup sex, trust me.)

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?


One comment

  1. joeythebuddhist · June 3, 2015

    Best headline for a post? I think so lol


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