Hello my lovely Loverson’s!
Happy Sunday! I know I know, Sundays can suck the big one sometimes, especially as the day starts to creep to a close. Oh no! Tomorrow’s Monday! Fear not Lovers, for I have decided to take a tiny break from the Rick chronicles to bring you a very informative article about the difference between men and women and how their crazy minds work! Are you excited? Are you not entertained! Well obviously not as I haven’t written it yet. But read on dear Lover, and prepare to learn! (Or just revise, depends how much you know about the opposite sex. ;-))
There are some very big differences in how men and women think. Sometimes we don’t realise just how much. So to help you out next time your having man issues, I’ve written a little case study on how one situation can be completely different in a man’s mind compared to a woman’s. Some differences may surprise you, others I know for certain will not. We’ll start with the boy’s version first. Now keep in mind, when I wrote this I only had my younger cousins and friends of the family to source my knowledge from, so this will be from a teenage boys perspective. This particular scenario is when a young boy see’s his first pair of chesticles.
Wow, there they are. The two biggest breasts in the world are right in front of me, staring me straight in the face. Well, obviously they aren’t staring at me per-Se. I’m sure if I moved around the room they won’t follow me like that weird painting. You know the one, god what’s it called? But no, I’m going off topic. There they are. I mean, I’ve seen a couple before, 2 or 3 here and there. Actually it was one pair and one on it’s own. That was when Suzie slipped off the diving board and hit the water so fast one side of her bathers took a second or two to follow the other.
Anyways, what I’m trying to say here is that this is not the first pair of melons that has come my way…It’s the second, pair anyway. But man these are big. I mean I don’t know any of these cup sizes or whatever girls go on about, but if you were in a café choosing between a cup of coffee and a mug, these would have to be the mug, with like whipped cream and a cherry on top, you know, so it kind of looks realistic. Yeah I’m aware that not many people would HAVE a cherry in their coffee or even on top, but obviously I’m trying to prove a point. We’re actually learning about metaphors in English.
Uh oh, crap, she’s looking impatient. Shit, I’m thinking about cherry coffee metaphors while I’ve got tits right under my nose! OK, it’s time to go in. Extending the hand, slow and steady, that’s the way; don’t want to scare her off. Quick glance upwards shows more boredom than terrified modesty. Hmm, better move to phase two. Bypass gigantic jugs and go for the catch at the back. Nice move. She thinks she’s getting a cuddly hug, bam you’re getting heaving bosoms pushed up against your bony (yet amazingly masculine) chest. Score.
Now the ultimate in the art of seduction, the old flicking off the bra catch without even a look. No problem.
Not a one.
Won’t take a second.
Ok surely she won’t notice a quick peek. Oh Jesus, it’s the Alcatraz of bra catches. Not one, not two, but three hooks hold this bad boy in place. And horror of horrors, it’s on the third catch. High security. One wrong move and the flickback from this baby could leave a mark on her back for a week. Tricky.
My sweaty palms flutter up and down her back, desperately trying to find another entrance point as she sighs impatiently against me. Don’t worry my darling, I will find a way. Got it! I’ll just pop them out!
I abandon the back route and engage the front entrance. She taps her foot in annoyance and crosses her arms. Wow, it’s like they’re rising up to meet me, jiggling with excitement, just like me. It’s nice to know we’re so connected this early in the relationship. I reach in again. Somewhere in the distance I can hear Chariots of Fire playing softly. It’s actually the second lunch bell but when you’re holding giant mams in your hand everything sounds pretty damn good. I get a hold of one and pull with all my might, and suddenly, with a little pop, it comes free of its cotton lace prison.
“Ow! Jesus Christ Jeremy, they’re fucking attached!”
Her sweet words of love echo in my new found ears. For yes, everything is different for me now. I can see clearly now the bra has gone, and there sure as hell are no obstacles in my way.
Intriguing no? So maybe all guys don’t think exactly like that, but at least now you know the general direction his thoughts are headed. And now just for fun (or if any boys happen to be reading this) we will now explore the girl’s side of things.
Wow. So this is it. This is what happens when you lose a bet. They could have at least chosen somewhere with just a touch more room. I mean the bike shed? So cliche. I suppose things could be worse. I’m sure Jeremy is a nice guy. I mean we’ve never spoken or anything but he seems umm… nice. Yes we’ll go with that. Nice.
But god, the way he’s looking at my chest right now, it’s bloody disconcerting to say the least. If his eyes pop out much further I’ll be scooping them off the floor for him. What is he staring at? They’re just boobs! He’d better not think there’s anything wrong with them. I’ve got a great pair, if I do say so myself. As a matter of fact if I squeeze them together and look down I can touch my chin to the top of them. That’s a little known fact I bet half the boys in this school would love to know.
What on Earth is he doing now? I look behind me to see if we’ve been busted, but nobody’s there. Why the hell is he moving around? His eyes haven’t moved an inch from the twins though, he’s clearly still fascinated. I sneak a peek at my watch and smile inwardly. If he doesn’t get a move on the lunch bell is going to ruin his chances of ever seeing the fun bags. Oh wait, here we go, there’s movement at the station. Sweet Jesus does he think I’m going to run away? His hand is inching towards me about a millimetre a minute. God I’m bored. Maybe I can get Jess to snag me a pizza pocket from the canteen. At least that’s something to look forward to.
Ooh there it is, we have contact. Wait, he’s going in for a hug? What is this, we’re not in year two anymore Jeremy, get on with it! Oh god, I can feel his hands going up the back of my shirt. Sweaty much Jeremy?
Hallelujah, he has found the bra catch! Uh oh, shit, there are times like these when I wish I listened to Mum and actually did my washing. Then I wouldn’t have to borrow her maternity bra.
This is not going to be easy for him. I bite my lip to keep myself from giggling at his flimsy attempts. Clearly he doesn’t realise these babies are built to last. Wait a minute, he’s stepped back. Seriously, you’re going to give up that easily? Boys are such pussies these days. He’s surveying me like I’m some project in woodwork. Sexy.
Finally he moves in again, this time he goes for the front. I cross my arms in annoyance. Does this really have to take so long? I tap my foot against the ground, trying to hide the fact that I really have to pee. He looks like some rabies infected dog, saliva dripping out the corner of his mouth and a crazed look in his eye. He reaches in to get a good handful and before I know it, he’s yanked one of the ladies up and out of my bra!
“Ow! Jesus Christ Jeremy, they’re fucking attached!” I screech at him.
He really doesn’t notice though, there’s a glazed look in his eyes that I only ever see after my boyfriend has finished wanking. Gross. And then finally that sweet sound of the lunch bell rings. Freedom has no sweeter sound. I disengage and go hunting for that elusive pizza pocket.
So, obviously this is only one situation being analysed. There are thousands of other scenarios that we could go through, but in the end they will all usually end up with the same conclusion. Boys and girls are almost never on the same wavelength. She might be crazy for him and he’s just after a good time, or she could have absolutely no interest in him and he’s been dreaming about this moment for years. They could even be completely in love with each other, totally at the same point in the relationship. But the truth is, a large proportion of the time, when he’s thinking about how good her ass looks in doggy style, she’ll be staring at the wall thinking what colour they should repaint it. Either that or she’s desperately trying not to fart, because really, nothing ruins a moment faster than that. So ladies, don’t be too hard on your men when they zone out during sex, it gives you a great opportunity to work on that Owen Wilson fantasy you’ve secretly been harboring ever since you saw Shanghai Noon.
Have a great weekend Lovers!
Best Bonking Song: Marvin Gaye
By: Charlie Puth and Meghan Trainor
Best Used: When you want to be old school romantic. Naww so cute!