Babies aren’t made in utes!

Happy Hump Day Lovers!

Now I’m sure you’re all teetering on the edge of your seats wondering, did she do it? Could she do it? Were there any injuries sustained? I am of course talking about the certain saucy yet sore boy I have been having some fun with lately. For those who haven’t read the last post (for shame!) I was heading over to said saucy boys house for some sexy time when I found out he was in a neck brace. Did this mean no sex? It certainly meant no hickies. (Thank god for that really.) Well if you read on Lovers, you will quickly see if I overcame my mobility challenged man and got some loving out of him.

So, the last time we spoke I was on a tram, feverishly writing to you and at the same time desperately trying to arrange my ass on the seat so my very sexy yet extremely unpractical undies would stop riding up my ass. Then after a long and fairly uncomfortable train ride (it was a packed peak hour carriage and I had to stand most of the way. No opportunity for wedgie dissembling at all.) I arrived at the boy’s station. Lets call him… Rolph. Yep that should suit nicely. So, once I stepped off the train and onto the freezing cold platform, very subtly rubbing up against the train door to disentangle my ass from my undies, I made the obligatory “I’m here!” call. To my relief he arrived within minutes.

The poor guy wasn’t kidding about the neck brace. He turned, or tried to turn and give me a kiss hello but he failed so miserably in it that I just climbed over the seat and gave him a peck. It felt so good to see him, even if he was slightly… damaged. He couldn’t even turn to see oncoming traffic so I had to help him spot if the way was clear. God knows how he made it out to pick me up.

We drove for a while, chatting about this and that, but all I could think was, “How much can he move with that? Maybe if I just get on top he’ll be ok. Should I give him a blow job while he drives?” Of course what actually came out of my mouth was more “Oh yeah, my day was fine.” Thank god he can’t read minds.

When we reached his house I was suprised at how nice it was. He lives in a bit of a dodgy suburb so I was prepared for drug dens and lots of furniture in the front yard, but his house and all the ones in his street were lovely. Guess it’s easy to get a cheap nice place when you live in the ass end of the city.

There was a big for sale sign out the front. Rolph told me that his house mate was selling it so he could go and buy a house with his new girlfriend.

Aww how sweet… Wait, new girlfriend? Woah, talk about a big step!

I very soon met said room mate and girlfriend and while he was fine she was a little, shall we say stand offish? The boys left to go lift some heavy man things into a trailer and I was left alone with her. I racked my brains for a conversation starter.

“So, you’re selling the house hey?” I asked. Everyone I know who’s selling anything always seems to love talking about it. How much they’re asking, what’s being offered, what they’ll buy next. Instead I got,

“That’s what the sign says.”

Alrightey then.

Thankfully the boys returned and I stuck close to Rolph, hoping he wouldn’t leave me with the conversation killer again. He pulled me over to the couch and we sat down with drink in hand. Rolph drinks muscat, a drink normally reserved for men in their seventies. I was treated to a glass as well, although I had to pour some back into his glass as his serving sizes were based on rather large African elephants. The girlfriend came and joined us on the couch and engaged in some chit chat with Rolph. Then she noticed my bag.

“So I suppose you’ll be staying over tonight? Seeing how you bought a whole back pack?”

Wow, what had I done to this woman? I decided now was the time to pull out my trump card.

“You like chocolate?”

She did indeed, and with just a few peppermint buttons, I was back on track.

Eventually she left and Rolph and I decided to watch a movie. I had brought over a few as I had no idea if he had crap taste or not. To my absolute astonishment he picked the one I had least expected. In fact I had tossed it in at the last minute as a joke.

We spent the next hour watching the first half of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Crazy right? I think he actually liked it too.

So about half way through the movie Rolph try’s to adjust to get into a better position when all of a sudden he cries “Oh shit!” The movie wasn’t in a particularly steamy spot so I was pretty certain he hadn’t accidentally creamed his jeans, but he was definitely agitated, that was for sure.

I jumped up as he leaped off the couch, brushing at his shirt furiously as he did.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, confused.

Turned out old Rolphy had spilled his muscat. Disaster! Well, for him anyways. We spent the next ten minutes mopping up booze from the top of the couch, in between the cushions and even lifting it up to get at the puddle underneath. That stuff sure could spread. When we were done Rolph lay sprawled on the floor, used paper towels littered all around him.


I lunged at him and kissed him intensely before ripping off his belt and pulling his pants down to his knees. He quickly shucked them the rest of the way off, obviously eager to follow my train of thought. I gave him another luxurious kiss and headed down town. Oh lordy lord, his wang was just as beautiful as I remembered. I was like goldilocks finding that perfect porridge. Or maybe the chair is the right metaphor. It wasn’t too small or too big but just right! Not too soft either, that was for sure 😉 I didn’t have to work on him for long and soon his spunk was spurting  eagerly to the back of my throat. I quickly spit it out onto one of the paper towels (we all remember what happens when I swallow don’t we?)

When I looked back up at Rolph he had a contented look on his face. Well that ought to have helped his neck for sure!

We settled back on the couch with Rolph’s pants back on in case his room mate decided to make an appearance and finished off the movie.

Then it was bed time…

We undressed and hopped under the covers, all done very un-romantically I might add, although I did make sure he took note of my carefully chosen underwear before I took it off. The lights went off and Rolph popped some pain killers and a sleeping tablet. Shit, I was on the clock. If I didn’t make a move now he’d be out like a light. A took a deep breath and rolled closer, running my hand across his chest as I did so. That was how I found out he’s actually incredibly ticklish, as this move solicited a high pitched giggle from him.

So sexy.

I steeled myself and said, “So, if you weren’t in a neck brace, would we be having sex right now?”

He looked at me, no wait, he tried to look at me (it’s a very hard thing to get used to, this whole not using your neck business) and with a nimbleness I didn’t know he possessed, was on top of me.

It’s go time!

I clamped my mouth shut to stifle my cry of “Yes! It’s happening!” No need to sound too keen after all.

Ooh but it was nice! After a few minutes of leg melting handy work Rolph was in position, poised for entry. And oh what an entry!

You know, sometimes regular sex can be the best kind of sex. This was technically as vanilla as they come, straight up missionary style goodness. But hey, if that’s what I can expect from now on, hand me a spoon boy!

He wrapped his arms around me and went to town. But it wasn’t just your straight up pumping in and out nonsense. No no no, this had just the right amount of grind to it. I couldn’t get enough. So obviously as soon as it was over I was ready for more. Sadly at that point the sleeping tablets seemed to do their job and ten minutes later my luscious lover had turned into my unconscious lump. But such a lovely lump. 🙂

The next morning I was woken by said lump cutting a super loud fart.

Mmm breakfast in bed.


After a half assed apology (pun intended) we kissed and made up. (After all, he hasn’t sampled my particular brew yet so I can’t be too angry at his lame attempts.) Then it was off to a five star breakfast.

Bacon and egg Mcmuffins! Oh yeah!

And a chai latte.

For him.

What a girl.

After breakfast we had to go pick up a shed for Rolph’s Mum so I tailed along and ‘supervised’ as the men loaded the shed onto the trailer. All that heavy lifting got me quite worked up, and by the time the shed was secured I was picturing myself and a certain someone doing something entirely different with those ratchet tie down straps.

And that was how we ended up parked on the side of the road in some random part of town attempting to have wild sex in a two seater ute.

And it was practically impossible!

I tried everything Lovers. The seat was back as far as it would go, the wheel was locked in close to the dash and my legs were attempting to bend every which way. I faced Rolph, then I faced away from him. I had my legs tucked in, then straight out, then at geographically impossible angles. But we just couldn’t make it work!

Finally Rolph suggested we just get out and have a cheeky quicky on the bonnet. I thought for a moment. The road was deserted, with not a single car having driven past whilst we were fumbling around like idiots. Maybe if we had sex up against the side of the car? Then we’d be kind of hidden behind the brush.

I must have been horny as fuck Lovers, because I agreed.

I jumped out of the ute in just my t-shirt and teeny tiny see through undies. And as soon as that crisp cool air hit my bare legs my senses returned to me.

“Let me back in!” I cried, vaulting myself onto Rolph, scrambling to get into the car  and remain unseen by anyone. Poor Rolph cried out as my flailing limbs whacked him in the neck, the side of the head and the stomach but at that point I was set only on getting my scantily clad ass out of his face and back onto my seat. No sooner had I slid over him and crashed onto the passenger seat, a car came rolling past. And then another.

Thank god for that cool crisp air!

Rolph chuckled while putting the car into gear and pulled the ute back onto the road.

He stopped laughing right about when he drove past his aunty putting her bins out.

Talk about bad timing! He ducked his head and tried not to meet her eye but it was clear she had seen him. And why else would he be driving the back streets of a dodgy suburb with a shed on a trailer and a scantily clad girl in the front seat?

Oh yes, she knew.

Luckily we were just past her house when Rolph’s trailer feel apart and he had to run back and pick up the pieces. Now that would have been an awkward way to meet his Aunty!

So has the sex improved? Declined? Dried up entirely?

Read on and see Lovers, read on and see 😉

Claire xx

Best bonking songs: Do you love me

By: The Contours

Best Used: Pay homage to Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey’s nose by putting on a sexy, sweaty, dirty dancing sex    fiesta!



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