Evening my Lovely Lovertons!
It’s the weekend! Finally! Time to slip on some heels and get out there! Or keep the heels on and stay in bed, that’s fun too! Just remember to keep an eye on leg placement, as an unexpected stiletto in the ass cheek is not a super fun experience for most men. 😉
Now when I left you I was unashamedly horny, gagging for some sexy time from my main man Rolph. But of course I was unashamedly turned town and left to awkwardly climb the stairs back to my apartment, trying to keep the now unused situation of niagra falls from exploding from between the folds of my carefully chosen panties.
Argh! I hate men!
No wait, I take it back. Not all men. Just one in particular on that chosen day.
After that debacle of a morning we arranged to meet up again on Saturday night. I sternly told myself that once he entered my room he would not be leaving for at least twelve hours. I carefully counted my scarves, making sure I had enough to tie him to the bed if he tried to resist.
Pfft, resistance is futile, I snorted to myself, practicing my knots and readying my blindfold.
So when Saturday came around, it was safe to say that I myself was pretty close to coming, just at the thought of what was to occur later that night. I stayed in bed all day to save my energy. I napped, snacked on a selection of foods that wouldn’t cause me to fart explosively at inopportune times and generally lazed around in pre-coital bliss.
Finally around five o’clock I got a message from Rolph. I squealed inwardly. This is it! The start of the sexiest Saturday ever!
“Just finished work.” it read.
I smiled and typed back feverishly “What time are you coming over?” with the obligatory winky face. I would have used something a bit sexier but as there is currently no emoji for panting like a dog waiting for an intensely delicious ‘bone’ (pun intended) the winky face will have to suffice.
So you can imagine my complete horror and shock when he texts back not with “I’ll see you in twenty minutes. Maybe longer as it’s difficult to drive with this massive boner.” as I had hoped, but instead with
“I dunno. I’m soo exhausted. Don’t think I’ve got much left in me.”
Fucking fuckity fuck!
No! How can he do this to me again? I’ve practically had to lay down plastic sheets on the bed and change my undies every twenty minutes and he bails on me now?
This. Is. Not. Right!
Oh, the things I could text him. The outpouring of sexual frustration and rage I could rain down on his phone.
But no, a lady keeps her cool. A lady doesn’t let the penis win. A lady must let the man know she is pissed in the most polite way possible.
Fuck I hate being a lady.
I ground my teeth and texted him back a demure “Ok well if you could tell me sooner next time so I don’t cancel stuff with other people.”
To this he replied with a meek “Sorry Claire I didn’t expect to be this pooped.”
Well I did! Except you were supposed to be getting pooped with me, not solo! Gah!
I felt wretched. I couldn’t even just go out and find a random shag. I was… attached. I still had feelings for Rolph and he was just so good between the sheets that any random dude just wouldn’t do. I squirmed uncomfortably, my freshly shaved juice-box itching for some action.
No, I had to end things. He was tying me up in knots and then leaving me there with no food or water. I needed more. So I carefully crafted a this-isn’t-going-to-work-but-let’s-still-have-sex-occasionally text.
” Hey so I’m getting the sense you’re not on the same page as me and that’s cool. I reckon we should just make this about a bit of fun and not much else just yet. It’s a bit one sided so we’ll just catch up whenever I guess.”
There. Done. I did it. Now to see what he says.
He’ll reply soon.
Any minute now.
Seriously he will.
What the fuck is he doing?
Finally, he graces me with a bloody reply.
“Sorry for the slow reply. I’m seriously so exhausted. Cannot think straight. Bed at 7.30 on a Saturday night (two sad faces) You’re a very lovely person and I enjoy seeing you, we’ll talk more another time. I’m too zombie like atm. Night xx”
My treacherous heart does a little flip at his compliment but my vagina beats it back down with a massive stick as she takes control. He’s going to bed? Who cares? What am I supposed to do? I slept for seven hours today trying to get ready for the sex marathon! I’ll be up for hours!
I sighed. There was nothing to be done. I just had to grin and bear it and accept there would be no sex tonight. From Rolph anyways. I texted back telling him to call me tomorrow and he replied quickly with “ok babe xx”
Maybe it would be ok. He would call me tomorrow as soon as he woke up, we would talk it out and then to make up for it I would get my reward of a bloody good thrashing.
The next day I woke up eager as a school girl. Had he rung? I checked my phone excitedly. My heart dropped a little as I saw nothing but the time and the picture of my cat staring soulfully back at me but I consoled myself thinking it was still early.
Once one o’clock came and went I started to get annoyed. Didn’t he know this was serious? I needed to talk shit out! Finally at four I texted him. He was out riding with his mates, as I knew he would be. I just stupidly thought he would call me before that, like it was slightly important.
Of course not.
At six o’clock he texted to say he was jumping in the shower and would call me as soon as he was out. My phone was on 85% but I plugged it in for more charge anyway, just in case he wanted to really talk.
Bah, what a laugh!
An hour and a half later and still no call. Had he drowned in there? I was frustrated, and not just because I had been holding it for almost an hour. I knew as soon as I went to pee my phone would start ringing. I texted him an annoyed message asking if he’d forgotten about me to which he replied that he’d been talking to his Mum and still hadn’t had a shower but would call me after.
Why did he have to be clean to talk to me? I can talk to an un-showered man! Apparently this wasn’t up for discussion and after a long twenty minute wait my phone finally rang. Ok, this was it, time for a big deep and meaningful chat. Let’s talk about our needs, our wants, our desires.
I picked up and answered with a tentative “Hello?”
“Hey, what’s up?”
What’s up? What’s up? I’ll tell you what’s up Mr! You have one sexually frustrated woman on the end of the line here and your blase attitude is not doing you any favours! If you were here the old grab, twist and pull method would be in serious consideration and you would be experiencing some serious pain!
I calmed myself and answered, “Not much, you?”
He babbled on about work for a few minutes before we finally got down to business. I expected a bit of a long talk after I told him how he wasn’t giving me enough and how I felt like I was doing all the work and all that. Instead I got “Babe, you just need to relax. Just chill.”
And that was it. Done. Finished. I listened to him for a few more seconds before completely tuning out. Time for a new man methinks. We said our goodbye’s with him saying we would catch up ‘soon.’ No set date, no nothing.
As soon as I hung up I downloaded Plenty of Fish and Tinder.
And then I popped all three Fifty Shades books onto my Kindle.
If it was going to be a long night, at least I could make it fun 😉
Pickup line of the Week: Keep calm and take your pants off.