No! No no no Lovers!
It’s finally happened! Dear God, I always feared this would happen, I just prayed it wouldn’t happen in my lifetime. We’ve hit def-con five here Lovers. I don’t know exactly what that means but people usually use it in movies when the shit has officially hit the fan. And boy is this situation shitty.
My vibrator died!
Why do you punish me Satan? Why? I swear the tears threatened for a good hour afterwards as I slowly walked the long walk to the rubbish bin. Goodbye sweet Lover, your clit tickling dolphin will forever remain in my memory.
So it’s safe to say it hasn’t been a great weekend so far. Sex free, vibrator free and fun free. Naturally I would normally hit the town and pick up a lovely sex snack for the night but sadly being sick means no work which means no money. Damn you casual employment! Therefore I have plenty of time to write about the old Rickster! So safe to say this entry may be a bit of a long one. Bear with me Lover’s, we’ll try and make it through this drought together.
It was October, and what with all the drama exploding around me I had completely forgotten about Gods Kitchen, a party we had booked tickets to. At the time I bought the tickets they were for me, Rick, a good girlfriend of mine and her boyfriend. Unfortunately they broke up soon after the purchase of said tickets so we were eighty dollars down already. I didn’t want to cover Rick’s ticket too so during one of our ‘meetings’ (aka let’s have hot, frantic sex then have a quick chat afterwards) I brought it up with him and asked for the money. Rick had been looking forward to the event for some time so he was more than happy to hand over the cash.
Just as soon as he had it that was.
I reluctantly left it at that and after my friend found herself a plus one, we were set to go. A few days before the party Rick came to me with an idea. Things had been going so great with us for the past couple of weeks, and he wanted to give it one more shot. Start a fresh, he said. A clean slate. As of God’s Kitchen we would be a brand new couple. I had to admit the idea really did appeal to me. Maybe what had happened last time was all just a misunderstanding? After all, the sex was fantastic, he made me laugh, we could talk long into the night, what wasn’t to like? A little voice at the back of my mind squeaked out an alarm about all the negatives I had just left out, but I made the choice to silence my head and listen to my heart. Good in theory and great in the best love songs, but never ideal in reality. I agreed to Rick’s idea, on the proviso that at the party, there was to be absolutely no drugs of any nature. I could see from his face that this was going to be a real challenge for him, given the nature of God’s Kitchen, (it’s practically a rave) but in the end he grudgingly agreed.
Saturday night rolled around and we were scheduled to meet at Rick’s at eight for pre-drinks. As I drove to my girlfriend’s house I couldn’t get rid of the nagging feeling that something bad was on the horizon. I shook my head and turned up the radio to drown out such disparaging thoughts. Rick and I were on the straight and narrow now, tonight would be great and everything would work out.
God’s Kitchen is (or was) one of the highlights of the clubbing calendar. It was always held in the biggest club and international dj’s packed the already crowded set list. Trance, dub-step and drum and base were high on the agenda. In fact, that was the entire nights itinerary. No nineties pop or rnb as far as the eye could see. As always there was a theme and this year things were looking bright, with white being the colour of the night. Krista and I had spent hours searching for the perfect outfits and we were ready to strut our stuff on the dance-floor. Of course not everyone who attended was there to just dance. No no, there’s a reason water costs more than booze at events like these. Even as we lined up I could see the usual behavior. A girl with enormous pupils stood to the left of me, while her boyfriend seemed to be suffering from a terrible cold, the way he was sniffing he could have used a Kleenex or six. And then of course that familiar scent wafted through the air like bad incense as people tried to have a quick puff as inconspicuously as possible before heading inside. One guy was even so brazen as to march along the line asking each and every person for ‘bikkies.’ At this time in my life the only bikkies I knew of were made of flour and coated in chocolate. So I did my civic duty and apologized to him whilst giving him the directions to the shop around the corner that sold TimTams. Funnily enough when I offered to draw him a map he refused.
I kept looking to Rick, unsure if he would be uncomfortable in this sort of environment. But every time I glanced his way he would give me a smile and a kiss. What were you worried about? I thought to myself smugly, he’s past that now, he loves you and tonight will be fantastic. As we passed through the doors I kept that thought firmly planted in my head, as if wishful thinking could solve all my problems.
The night did not start out as well as I’d hoped. The dj on stage was abysmal to say the least, so we headed to the bar to drown our sorrows, or at least try to drown out his music. There was no beer available, much to my distaste, and everything was served in plastic cups. Very very small plastic cups. I took one look at my dismal little vodka and coke and knew that drunken dancing may not be in the cards tonight. Especially considering that that tiny offering had just set me back eleven dollars. In an attempt to speed things up we moved on to shots. However, as I was paying for Rick’s drinks (he was being paid next week, he assured me) it was only a matter of minutes before I needed more cash. Thinking to kill two birds with one stone I took a detour to the bathroom on the way to the ATM. As I sat there, savouring the moment of peace and quiet, I pondered how the night was going, and how it could get better. To be honest I couldn’t see it being one of my more memorable nights as I was actually pretty bored already. With a sigh and a flush I reached for the lock and turned it. As I did a searing pain shot through my finger. I yelped and jerked my hand back, wondering what the hell had happened. I frowned as I realized that somehow a shard of metal had actually broken off the lock and ricocheted into my finger.
Goddam it! I sucked on it, hoping I could dislodge it that way, but the stupid thing wouldn’t budge. Great, I thought, the perfect night just gets better and better. Eventually Krista came to investigate and took me to Rick. He took one look at my finger and knew just what to do. I smiled to myself, Rick was always so great when I was in trouble. If only he was so great all the time, that little voice piped up. I clamped my mouth shut, as if that could stop my brain from letting that pesky voice in. Rick led me to the front of the club and within minutes had acquired both tweezers and a band-aid from the first aid team and was working to get my splinter out. In the end the tweezers were so blunt that we had to use a safety pin we borrowed from one of the bouncers (don’t ask me why he carried one, it’s still a great unsolved mystery for me) but finally Rick dug out the splinter, along with half my finger, but who needs details? With a smile on my face and a band-aid on my finger I returned to the dance-floor, where Krista and her new squeeze were cutting it up. Rick excused himself for a cigarette and disappeared. By the time he came back inside we had migrated to one of the balcony’s. He called me but of course I couldn’t hear him over the music so I fired off a quick text letting him know where we were. He called again, but this time I didn’t bother to answer, there was just no point. A couple of minutes later he appeared looking angry. I danced towards him, a little confused by his mood change but determined to get him to smile. No such luck.
“Do you know how big this place is?” he screamed at me over the music
“I texted you!” I yelled back, still nonplussed as to his mood
“Oh well thanks a fucking lot for that.” He ranted, before turning to look at Krista’s plus one “You’re paying more attention to him than me!”
“I’m trying to make him feel comfortable!” I said, starting to get annoyed “He doesn’t know us, I’m just making conversation.”
“Yeah sure you are.” He said darkly
It was then that Nick, one of Rick’s good friends appeared, as if on cue to save the day. Rick was completely distracted from our argument and was immersed in boy-talk within minutes. I breathed a sigh of relief. That was close.
After a time Rick and Nick headed off in the direction of the bar and Krista made a beeline for the ladies. Not wanting to leave her date alone I stayed with him and we awkwardly danced while waiting for the others to come back. Krista was the first to return, and she had a look on her face that was spelled trouble.
“What’s wrong?” I yelled over the throbbing base that reverberated all around us.
“You’re not going to like it.” She cried
“Try me!” I squealed, feeling my fourth jagerbomb begin to take effect
My stomach plummeted to the floor. God what had he done now?
“I saw him with Nick. Claire, he snorted something.”
I stared at her, frozen in place. She must have thought I hadn’t heard her properly as she continued,
“Well actually first they put it on a spoon and set fire to it, and then he snorted it.”
Prick. Bastard. Utter fucking twat. All these names rushed through my brain in quick succession, but none even came close as to what I wanted to call him. There were just no words for that. I nodded at Krista, letting her know I had heard her, and then my feet began to move. I had to confront him. I had to know the truth. Maybe Krista had seen it wrong, maybe it wasn’t even Rick? Deep down I knew though, of course it was him. I just couldn’t believe he would go behind my back like this, after all he had promised.
I cornered him by the bar. Trying to keep it casual I gave him a kiss.
“Hi babe!” I gushed “Having a good time?”
“Hell yeah!” he laughed “Thanks for this baby, I owe you one.”
Well actually you owe me eighty dollars for the ticket and over one hundred dollars for drinks, I thought mutinously, but kept my smile firmly in place. I stepped towards him and beckoned him closer.
“So you’re not having a hard time with all these um, temptations around?” I asked coyly, waving my hand around at the by now highly buzzed crowd
He looked at me like I’d just slapped him. “How could you even ask me that?” he cried “I do so much for you and you don’t even trust me? Well let me tell you this babe,” he hissed “While you’ve been making nice with your new man over there I’ve been having a drink with my mate and that’s it. Happy?”
“No,” I said, outraged “Someone saw you snorting something. Someone who, unlike you, doesn’t lie. And as you said, I’m trying to make him feel comfortable!” my last few words came out as a shriek as I began to lose control of my tightly wound temper.
Rick scoffed at me “Is that what you call it these days huh?”
“Oh for god’s sake-“ I began, but Rick had hit his limit and was running for the roof for another cigarette. With supreme effort I restrained my eyes from rolling at his childish behavior and took three long breaths. Krista had come up behind me without my knowing and laid a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to face her.
“Are you sure?” I asked, my voice wobbling as I struggled to keep my tears at bay.
She nodded solemnly and told me she had just spoken to Nick who was apparently as high as a kite.
I told her to go back to her man. After all, someone should enjoy the night. I headed for the roof, my heart in my mouth. He was standing in the corner, sullenly smoking like it was going out of fashion. I walked over to him with measured steps, as though approaching a wild animal.
“Have you come to apologise?” he asked, when I reached him.
“That depends,” I said evenly “Are you going to tell me the truth?”
“What’s the point?” he snarled “It’s not like you’re going to believe me.”
And he was right, I didn’t believe him. His eyes said everything. I don’t think I had ever seen them so glassy. I sighed, and with a slight jolt of surprise, felt tears slip past my chin. I hadn’t even realized I was crying. The worst part about it all was that neither had Rick. I stood in front of him, motionless, letting my tears fall, willing him to say something, to comfort me, anything. But he just stared past me in stubborn silence like a child banned form the cookie jar.
“O.k,” I said after a time, when it was clear he wasn’t going to break the silence “I guess we’re finished.” I turned away from him but he grabbed my arm and yanked me back. At that moment I saw Krista and her man watching from a distance. He was straining against Krista to come to my aid. I smiled a watery smile at the irony of it. Here was my friend’s boyfriend, acting like the man I wanted, whereas the man I used to want so much had turned into the villain. He whipped me around to face him, sending me straight back to the episode at my car. It was like deja-vu. Only this time I wasn’t so afraid. This time I had witnesses.
I became brave.
“I’m sorry Rick,” I said “but it’s over.”
He looked at me, incredulous for a moment.
“You FUCKING SLUT!” he shrieked suddenly, sending me reeling.
(Ooh, capitals and italics, that’s harsh.)
He looked maniacal, towering over me with nothing but rage and contempt stamped across his features. My feet collapsed from under me and I fell crashing to the ground. His words had stung like no slap or punch ever could have. How could someone I love, someone I held so dear to me, turn on me in an instant? I couldn’t think or breathe or even see properly. People had turned at Rick’s outcry and I could hear the high pitched titters of party-goers amused by the nights entertainment. ‘Check out the domestic happening on the roof,’ they would giggle to their friends on the dance-floor. They would rush out and see the girl lying prostrate on the floor with the crazy boyfriend standing over her, cigarette still in hand. And they would laugh, oh how they would laugh.
Humiliation seeped through me as my perfect night, my night to remember, became the night I would spend years trying to forget. I felt arms under mine as Krista picked me up off he damp ground and led me away. I walked in a haze of shame, regret and most of all, despair. In that moment I was sure I would never be the same again. We reached the exit and I gratefully made my way out of the smoke and into the clean fresh air. I gulped in deep breaths, not sure as to why I was so breathless, yet relieved that my legs seemed to be functioning once more.
We waited for Krista’s date to catch up, but unfortunately Rick found us first. Like and idiot, he had jumped off one of the middle balcony’s to beat us to the exit. What the hell was he on? Jumping off a bloody balcony? He stretched out his hands towards me, crying out for us to wait, not to go yet. Krista tried to force me into a taxi, but I just had to hear what he was going to say. I was still holding on to that tiny ray of hope. He ran to me and sank down at my feet.
“I’m so sorry baby!” he wailed “I love you!”
I looked down at him as the tears flowed freely down my cheeks. I should have been angry, furious even, but all I could feel was a leaden weight in my chest pulling me down. I shoved a twenty at him and told him to go home. He pushed my money away, citing his irreparable behavior as the reason. I knew he had no money and tried without success to jam the note into his hands. As usual he was being stubborn and as usual, I just couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t let him fend for himself and try to get home penniless, even if that was what he deserved. Eventually after half an hour of arguing, Krista came and took my hand and led me away from him. He would find his way home, she kept murmuring.
I felt terrible, not only for losing Rick, but for ruining Krista’s night. I resolved to paste on a smile for the rest of the night and get through it for her sake. But try as I might, my smile slipped with every step I took away from Rick. I couldn’t dance, I was too numb. I couldn’t even hear the beat, let alone follow it, and so I sat in a dimly lit corner, watching the Saturday night crowd with disinterest, wallowing in my misery. Finally Krista took pity on me and we headed for home. I sank gratefully onto my bed, burying my face in my pillows. I sobbed wordlessly, partly because I knew I should have washed the pillowcases weeks ago, but mostly for Rick. I wondered where he was, what he was doing, if he felt as miserable as I did at that moment. I loved him so much, but he was so wrong for me. At every turn I was being hurt and I couldn’t stand it, but I still couldn’t let him go.
Mid sob I heard a noise and quieted my sniffles to listen in. After a moment I groaned, knowing exactly what I was hearing. At least Krista was getting something out of the night, I thought glumly as the old house began to shake with their drunken passion. I sighed, feeling waterlogged and utterly beaten. Tomorrow I would collect my things again and I would go through the same turmoil I had last time, and the time before that and of course the time before that. I couldn’t bear it anymore. My inexperienced heart had officially given up the ghost and had retreated so far behind me ribcage I could barely feel it beat.
Sigh, clearly the stress of losing my vibrator has affected my writing eh Lovers? 😉 Fear not though, Rick has one more post and then he’s done! Huzzah!
Instead of a pickup line today Lover’s, I’m going to give you a sneak peek of the future! In September there is a fantastic event coming up that I’m so excited about! It’s called Kinkfest and yes it’s exactly what it sounds like. I’m going to immerse myself in kink culture and swim with the leather clad fish! Stay tuned 😉