Woah Lovers, what a month!
We’ve gone from a total sex drought to completely breaking the damn! It’s brilliant! Okay so this last couple of weeks has been a little different in the fact that it’s been very orificey (and no I didn’t accidentally misspell officey, this week had nothing to do with staplers and rulers.) Shall I explain in a little more detail? Alrightey then.
As you all know before Salvatore saved me from my crazy stampeding libido things had been a little dry in the sex stakes. However I was Tindering like a mofo. Sadly with little success. I did get one particular match that seemed rather promising though, his name was Ronald and he was very cute by Tinder standards. We started chatting and he seemed like a nice normal guy (very rare these days.) I asked if he wanted to meet up in person and he agreed, just not that week as he was flat out with work. This seems to be the big excuse with online boys, “oh I’m so busy I can’t meet up anytime in the future.” Dude, why you even bothering with online dating? In normal circumstances I would have written him off as a time waster, but times were tough so I hung in there a little longer.
That was until he hit me with “I’m not going on anymore dates this year.”
I was completely stumped. This dude was clearly into me, seemed to enjoy talking to me and was very flirty, but he didn’t want to meet up?
What the hell was he smoking?
When I put this question to him he blabbed on with some crap about how he’d had way to many bad dates and wasn’t willing to waste his time on more. Urgh boo hoo princess, drink some concrete and harden the fuck up. This was the point I really should have said see you later loser but again that crazy drought was driving me to extreme lengths. I kept chatting to him and found out he was more than happy for a home visit. He wanted me to come to his house so in his words “I don’t have to dress up or put any effort in.”
What a wanker.
I ignored him for a week. No way was I going to some random dudes house so he could stick it in and send me on my way. He could be a serial killer! Or worse, a Dungeons and Dragons fiend. No, no and another no.
However… What if we had a few phone calls? That’s safe, that’s friendly, that could turn into something saucy for sure. So the phone calls began. I thought maybe I could tempt him into a date if he knew I wasn’t completely crazy but he was still a stubborn asshole. The calls quickly turned from “so how was your day?” to “quick, tell me what you’re wearing!” Then we started the good old snapchat wars which opened a whole new kettle of fish. The dude was hung!
The first snap I got was a video of him wanking to some non-descript porn (the genre wasn’t really to my taste but hey boys will be boys.) He was either amazing at mastering the camera to enhance his attributes or boy did he have a whopper of a wang! I became brave and sent him the odd shower pic (remember never to include the face people, rookie mistake) or a naughty lingerie snap. Things continued like that for a few days before he sent me one that made me question his… tastes.
It was 12.30am on a Wednesday night and as usual I couldn’t sleep, so when my snapchat app pinged to life I jumped on it with glee. Ooh what was it to be this time? I opened it as excited as a kid at Christmas time waiting for my naughty Santa and was very disappointed at the outcome. Firstly, it wasn’t even of him, he just had his phone trained on the computer as it played his favourite porn. Bit boring but oh well. What caught my eye was what was happening in the porno. A very attractive young lady was getting her ass ferociously licked by a very muscly but terribly unattractive man. Geez he sure was going for it! I have nothing against people rimming each other. Hey, rim until the cows come home people, but just don’t breathe on me afterwards. I’ve always been against anything ass related (for obvious reasons) so to think this guy was heavily into it was a little concerning.
I texted him asking if he was in fact a fan and he replied almost instantly with a terrifying amount of enthusiasm. Apparently Mr No-Dates loved a girl to spend a whole day at work or have a massive session at the gym before he whipped off her panties and gave her ass a good seeing too. When I asked why he eagerly replied with stunning detail about the particular smell of an asshole that had been sweating all day.
Hmm, this could be a problem.
I finished our conversation for the night and set about doing some serious ass thinking. I wanted to try new things, push barriers and explore my sexual fantasies sure, but was I willing to be rimmed? I tossed and turned all night, running the possibilities through my head. I even went as far as to take my undies off in the morning and have a quick sniff before I hopped in the shower to see what all the fuss was about.
Needless to say the ‘smell’ didn’t do anything to convince me and I spent quite some time flushing my nose out with shower water. However, I decided to throw caution to the wind and go with the flow. After some serious chats with my male room mate assuring me that everything south of the bellybutton is a turn on to a man with a raging erection I messaged Mr No-Dates and attempted to schedule a meet up. It was going completely against my Tinder rules but I figured we’d spoken on the phone many times and I already had his address and photos of the inside of the apartment so that would give forensics a good start if I wound up smeared across his balcony.
But suprise suprise he was busy! Gah! I was willing to let a man go as far as licking my asshole and he was going to make me wait? Not happy Jan.
A few days later he texted me a very forward message.
“So, you want me to rim you? You like it?”
He caught me on a bad day. I was in no mood to pander to his ass cracky whims so I replied with a simple “No, not really.”
After about a zillion sad teary emojis he asked why.
This was the moment things could have gone either way. I could have said something easy to overcome like “oh I’m nervous because I’ve never done it before” or I could have told him I wasn’t keen on ATM (that’s ass to mouth by the way) and it would spoil the mood if I made him go brush his teeth every time he wanted a pash. I could have even gone the body route and let him know that my ass is anything but smooth and waxed, unlike my honeypot (well, when I can be bothered whipping the wax strips out). I have quite the hairy butt and I’m not afraid to shout it from the rooftops. It’s just like mullets people, business at the front and party at the back. But no, I decided to go with the reason that bugged me the most, the reason that crops up in most of my sexual situations, the bane of my sexual journey.
What if I fart in your mouth?
Seriously my ass is quite the deadly gas chamber at times and there have been many an orgasm I have had to forfeit just to hold a cheeky fluff in. Sixty nine can be a real nightmare and I’ve had quite a few near misses to tell you the truth. And let’s not even go near car sex; wind the windows down people! Enclosed spaces can be dangerous! So you see my issue with someone shoving their tongue right into the abyss yes? His response to my text was word for word,
“What the actual fuck?”
And I never heard from him again.
Bahahaha what a weirdo! I couldn’t believe he was so into rimming and never entertained the possibility that one of his lovely ladies might let one rip right near his tonsils. Clearly that dude hasn’t thought everything through! Luckily I had my tete a tete with Salvatore soon after I stopped talking to Ronald so I didn’t have to pretend to mourn his loss.
Next up I’ll tell you about sex with the ex, car sex with ol Salvi and a possible rekindling with my birthday bonk!
Today I’ll leave you with one of my favourite sex quotes:
“Roses are red
Violets are blue
I’m using my hand
But I’m thinking of you.”
Feel free to use that one in your next long term relationship 😉