Birthday Bonk Buggers Up

Happy Weekend Lovers!

Or should I say happy end of weekend? Don’t worry, tomorrow is the 31st and the last day of the month always means more sex for everyone! Wait, that might be the first of every month… Either way you’re set for a banging good time in the next two days! Speaking of banging, (or lack thereof) I must tell you of my disastrous Tuesday night.

You all know I really enjoy a good roll in the hay, love it in fact. Take me over your shoulders and strap a saddle on me anytime cowboy. But there are times when even the best laid plans (pun intended) can go awry. I received a call on Saturday night at approximately 3.45am. I was deathly ill so hadn’t been sleeping well anyways so I was awake enough to groggily answer. To my suprise the voice at the other end of the phone was in fact my birthday bonk boy Orlando! What a suprise! To cut a long story short Orlando and I had met at a bar on my birthday, hit it off and promptly shagged each others shoes off. Orlando was lovely. Attractive, polite, and with a cheeky smile to match. I was a little nervous when he told me he was only just 23 (in my experience the young’uns don’t have much technique and tend to jack rabbit you into next week.) But he was lovely and it was my birthday so I figured if the birthday gods were going to throw me a birthday pinata, I may as well take a bash at it.

He was shy, so shy I couldn’t even leave the lights on dim whilst I admired his bod, they had to be completely off. Aww bless his cotton socks. Size wise he was definitely adequate, certainly nothing to complain about, and boy did he love to go down on me! I had to keep yanking him back up to my face to get things started. But when they did it was very nice. Just the type of present I was hoping for that night, and a good kisser to boot. However after thirty minutes of passion my juicebox gave up the ghost and decided she was done.

Ooh so chafey!

Guys in my experience when drunk either can’t get it up in the first place, can get it up but shoot their load in about ten seconds or get in there and keep going and going and going…

Turns out I’d taken the energiser bunny home! I wanted to keep going, I really did! But the sadly the snuffly-muffly, she was all out of love juice and he was scraping the walls like nails on a chalkboard. I called an end to proceedings and we fell asleep. I knew I’d make it up to him in the morning so I felt no guilt whatsoever, just a touch of pash rash.

The next morning and two blow-jobs later we were having a ball. Orlando really was a great guy. He was funny, smart and whenever he said the phrase “You’re cute as fuck” my ovaries squealed with delight. I don’t know what it was, it had just been so long since I’d had a ‘nice’ man in my bed. I knew probably nothing would come of it but I was definitely open to seeing him again. We swapped numbers and he was off.

And then began the texting. We spoke almost every day for the first two weeks and I was so sure we would meet up again, but every time I suggested a time or place he was too busy or was working or was too tired. Now I’m not a desperate woman (most of the time) so I gave him an out, sending him a text letting him know if he wasn’t keen to catch up it was all good. We’d had a good night and we could leave it at that. You could understand my surprise when he texted back saying he really did want to catch up and things had just been crazy.

Uh…. ok then.

So we went back to the texting. Gah it was so frustrating! I didn’t want to text! I wanted loin on loin action! Eventually after literally two months of texting I gave up. He was never going to make time for me. All my friends labelled him a player and that I shouldn’t waste my time on him. So that was it. Done. Move on.

Until 3.45am that Saturday morning.

“Oh sorrry, did I wake you?”

No shit sherlock 😉 I mumbled something barely coherent and asked why he was calling me at this crazy hour. Turns out he thought I might be out and we could catch up. To be fair to the bloke I often texted him when I couldn’t sleep in the wee hours of the morning so it was a fairly safe bet on his end that I’d be awake. After some more mumbling back and forth he invited me to his work function that Tuesday night.


I was confused to say the least, but I could feel my cold and flu meds kicking in so I quickly accepted before I passed out and we ended the conversation.

The next morning I wasn’t sure if I had dreamed it or not. That was until I saw his text on my phone. Turned out he was serious about Tuesday. Huh. After a moment of suprise I let myself feel what I hadn’t felt in a long time about this guy; excitement. Meeting had been off the table for so long I hadn’t even bothered to think about it. Now that we had locked something concrete in I had something to look forward to! We texted back and forth over the next few days, telling each other how good it would be to see each other and all the naughty things we could do to each other (ok that was mostly me saying that 😉

Finally it was Tuesday night. The plan had changed slightly in the fact that Orlando was going to come to my house after the function so it would be easier and we could actually chat instead of him being caught up with work stuff. He told me the event finished at 11pm so at 10.30 I texted him asking how it was all going. No reply.

11.00pm – nothing

12.00 – nothing

1.00 – fucking bastard fucking fuck! Nothing.

I went to bed feeling utterly devastated. Was this some sort of cruel practical joke he was playing on me? Why hadn’t he even texted? Was he lying in a ditch somewhere halfway to my house? I crawled up in my freshly made bed in my freshly laundered lace nightie covering my freshly shaved hoo haa and willed myself to sleep.

The next morning I woke up and eagerly checked my phone. Still nothing! Then about half an hour later I finally received a text. Two sad faces and a kissy face.

The fuck?

Was that supposed to be an apology? Luckily before I could reply with an icy answer he sent “So we all headed to the casino after the function, that was at about 11 and we didn’t leave the casino until 4.30am.”

I was furious. Firstly, there wasn’t a single sorry in his message, it was as if he thought he’d done nothing wrong, like he was telling me about a great night he’d had and he hadn’t missed anything (aka the night we had planned) And secondly, we had already discussed the night before that he would skip going to the casino to come and see me. A choice that he made freely I might add. I took a few deep calming breaths (about twenty three) before texting him back “I thought you weren’t going to the casino?”

And what he texted back sent me into an apoplexy.

“I wasn’t planning too but when there were about five maxi taxis waiting for us I couldn’t say no.”

Couldn’t say no? Couldn’t say NO? Gah! I cursed myself for ever thinking he would even think about making time for me. How could I be so stupid? He was twenty three for god’s sake, of course he was going to take the casino with all the booze and babes over me and my nice tight buns. Argh, I hated all men at that moment.

I shot back at him “Whatevs man, (I was trying to sound nonchalant, epic fail) I totally can’t trust you anymore, you completely wasted my night getting ready and looking forward to seeing you and you didn’t even have the balls to send me a text saying you weren’t coming. That’s pretty shitty.”

No suprise he never texted back. Maybe I was a little harsh yes, but I’ve found with age comes the ability to stick up for yourself and say what you feel. The dude had pissed me off, he had ruined my night and what was worse was that he had for a moment made me feel worthless. And that’s just not on. It’s a shame, I really did like this one but hey if two blow jobs isn’t enough to get him over here, nothing will.

Claire xx

P.s In other much more exciting news today I received possibly the best gift of the year.  A riding crop! Squee! I’ve been trying it out on myself but I bruise like a peach! Working on getting the skin all warmed up before the big slaps, that’s the key 😉

Pickup line of the week: My life without you would be like a broken pencil… Pointless!


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