Bring forth my riding crop boy!

Salutations Lovers!

I hope you used the weekend wisely and experimented with all number of kitchen utensils! No? Ok well now you have an idea for the next time you get bored in the bedroom. Just maybe stay clear of the cheese grater. Yowch.

Speaking of slightly painful experiences, I promised you a look at my first foray into the world of BDSM didn’t I? Well this mistress never leaves her subs wanting, so here we go!

The day started in possibly the most vanilla way you can imagine Lovers, with a picnic in the park. Myself and a mate loaded up two backpacks and a handbag with as much cheese, wine and balsamic glaze we could carry. After finding a sweet little spot in the park next to a pond, complete with hungry ducks and annoying seagulls, we settled down to drink our way through three bottles of wine.

Such a great day!

Although any day that involves copious amounts of cheese and wine is always on my top five things to do on a weekday!

After spending a few hours lounging around eating and drinking to our hearts content, we decided to take the party into town and carry on. We searched for anywhere with a happy hour, as we’d blown most of our drinking budget on fancy cheese (I regret nothing.) Finally we found a bar that not only had a happy hour that involved beer, but was chock full of old school arcade games.


We cruised the length of the bar, scoping out the best games (and by best I mean cheapest) and settled on Mario Kart. The only catch was there just happened to be two boys already playing, but as we all know, Mario can be a four player game…

Three beers later we were all best buds and gamers for life! The two guys had been drinking all day (just like us) so we were all keen to keep the fun going for as long as we could, but what is there to do at six thirty on a Tuesday? You guessed it, QUIZ NIGHT!

Yeah so it turns out you should never sign up for a quiz night when not only are you pissed, but literally know nothing about pretty much anything. Needless to say we came last, but on the plus side we smashed the best chips and gravy I have had in years. In my mind that makes us all winners!

During the painfully difficult quiz questions however, one of the boys Andreas, had been very heavily flirting with me. I wasn’t really keen so was just playing along and trying to keep my errant juice box safely in my pants. But as soon as he mentioned the fact he like to be dominant in the bedroom my ears pricked up and my ovaries contracted. Dominant? Ooh, how dominant? My thoughts took me straight back to the awful experience I had had with Irishman and his sad little attempt at domination. I shuddered inwardly, desperately hoping I’d never repeat that mistake again. So I questioned Andreas extensively. How did he dominate? What did he like? What was the most dominant thing he had done?

The bastard dodged every question like a pro politician. Gah! Although he was apparently very confidant in his skills. Hmmmm.

Do I take the chance and let the loins lead? Or do I bid him adieu and head home for a sausage roll and a shower?

The loins have it.

We jumped in a cab after bidding my girlfriend farewell (it’s ok, she was occupied with the bartender) and hightailed it home. I could barely contain my excitement. I was finally going to test out my riding crop, among other things! Squee!

However, the strangest thing happened when we got to my room. I pushed Andreas inside, closed the door and dimmed the light down real low.

Sexy low.

And all of a sudden he wanted to be my sub.


Yep, the tables had suddenly turned on me. I had no idea why he had changed his tune, but before I knew it I was fishing my scarves out of the cupboard and tying him to my bed butt naked. Not before I blindfolded him of course.

Alrightey then, now’s the time to shine! For a moment I panicked and thought about calling the whole thing off. What was I doing? Why was there a blind man trussed up on my bed? Why did I have that last shot?

But then a strange calm settled over me and somehow I knew exactly what to do.

I grabbed my riding crop and slapped it hard against my hand.

“Has sir been disobedient?” I growled

“What?” Andreas squeaked

“I said, has sir been disobedient?”

“Um, yes?”

“Yes, what?” I snapped

“Yes… ma’am?”

“Ma’am is my mother,” I drawled haughtily “You may call me Mistress and nothing else. Understood?”


“Yes what?” I cried, swatting the riding crop onto my hand once more.

“Yes Mistress!”

“Good boy.” I purred. Oh my god, this was going to be so much fun!

Slowly I trailed the crop up his stomach, circling his nipples before stroking his face with it.

“Do you want it?” I asked. Andreas nodded nervously. I smiled devilishly and brought the crop down lightly over his nipples, loving the feeling of power as he flinched slightly.

“More?” I purred. He nodded again. “Answer me!” I barked

“Yes please mistress!”

I smacked the crop down on his stomach hard, before raining lighter stroked up his chest and then down over his thighs. The dude was loving it, but more importantly, so was I! I crawled over him to my bedside table where I had a packet of Smarties breathing for tomorrow’s consumption (gotta let chocolate breathe, just like a fine wine!) I popped a couple in my mouth before hovering over Andreas.

“I’m going to put something in your mouth,” I whispered, trying to sound alluring with a mouth full of chocolate ” and you’re not going to chew, understand? You’re going to suck every last one of them. If you don’t comply Mistress will punish you. Tell me you understand pet.”

Andreas nodded and hurried to let me know he did indeed understand. I gave him a long kiss and deposited the smarties in his mouth, biting his lip as I drew away just as an extra warning.

Jesus what was I doing? I was getting way too caught up in this shit.

Meh, I’m in it now, who cares?

Hmm what else could I use to have a little fun with this guy? That’s when I spied the candles.

Oh goody.

After congratulating my pet on his valiant efforts not chew his smarties, I rewarded him with a good slug of candle wax down the middle of his chest.

The big baby was a total squirmer so I had to punish him with a few more strokes of the crop. Yes, this was the best! There was something so amazingly sexy about being in total control, not to mention the super hot role play we were engaging in. And before the nicer Lovers out there start crying “Oh Claire that’s so mean! You could have hurt the poor boy!” I’ll have you know I asked constantly what he could and couldn’t handle, what he liked and didn’t like and of course we had a safe word. Pancakes. Plus if you’re going to tell me you’re a super masculine dom in the bedroom I’m going to go hard on you, it’s only fair right?

Speaking of fair, after a while Andreas wanted to swap positions. For a moment I was unsure, he could tie me up and beat me black and blue and there wouldn’t be much I could do about it, but that’s when I remembered I had a house mate next door who I could call out for in case of emergencies. Sure it would be awkward as fuck, but hey, he knows I do some crazy stuff in bed anyways.

I acquiesced and Andreas proceeded to tie me up just as I had done to him. As soon as the first flick of the crop caught me near the belly button I knew I was going to like it. The tables were turned and suddenly the Mistress had to answer politely back to her Sir or face the consequences. Only problem was I quite enjoyed suffering through those particular consequences. I saw a flicker of light out the corner of my blindfold and suddenly hot wax was dribbling down my side.

Ooh the deliciousness of it all!

What a thrill Lovers! It was just hot enough to sting but cooled almost instantly into a lovely tacky paste that stuck to my skin like a tight fitting dress. Yes please! I arched my back up for more and Andreas complied, pouring wax over my stomach and nips. Gah, the awesomeness! That’s when I felt it trickle past my side and pour onto the bed sheet. The bed sheet I had literally just washed! Not cool man. The Mistress in me strained at the scarves holding me down, eager to sit up and smack a certain sir across the face. I pouted; you wouldnt get this shit in Fifty Shades.

We carried on like this for a little longer before the issue of sex was brought up. Andreas tried to slip on a condom but all that beer we had imbibed earlier certainly wasn’t doing him any favours. Plus he was quite large. Not in length so much but he was very girthy. Suddenly he got all angsty at me for not stocking extra large condoms.

This isn’t a 7/11 mate!

If he needed special equipment he should have packed his own, that’s what I say. Urgh, men!

So after wasting three of my condoms, which were in dwindling supply as it was, Andreas finally gave up and we both settled down to sleep. Settled down to sleep in a bed that was soaked with black candle wax.


The next morning I had to laugh though, as I woke to a face covered in wax with Andreas pulling on his pants double time.

“I have to get to work.” he muttered.

“S’ok.” I mumbled sleepily. I really couldn’t care less at this point dude.

He finished putting on the rest of his clothes in record time and without a smile or goodbye swept out of the room. I waited until I heard the front door close before bursting into laughter. The poor boy was terrified! I’d either scared him with my harsh words, frightened him with my deft lashings or the sight of my terribly distasteful leopard skin doona had sent him into an apoplexy so severe he simply couldn’t stay a minute longer.


I put my hands behind my head, pulling yet more wax out of my hair as I did so, and lay back with a satisfied smile on my face. Andreas was only twenty five, poor little guy, so he probably wasn’t expecting me to unleash quite the arsenal I did, but oh was it fun!

Needless to say I never heard from Andreas again, but I’d like to think he’s out there somewhere, building up his candle wax tolerance day by day… 😉

Claire xx

Best bonking song: Smack my bitch up

By: The Prodigy

Best Used: Sparingly! Use it for that super rough, take me now, fuckity fuck sex.

OzKinkfest ’15!

Hello my Lovers!

And happy Kinkfest to you all! Yes that’s right Lovers, it’s that fantastic time of year when all the leather clad, corset bound, whip wielding kinksters congregate in one strictly over 18 establishment and celebrate all that is fetish!

Ah what a day it was Lovers, I wish you all could have been there with me! But, as not all of you live in the same city or even country as me and the hall was only equipped to squeeze in a few hundred people at a time I shall do my civic duty and recount the day to you in all it’s latex lined glory!

Alrightey then, I’ll begin as I sauntered through the ticket stalls out the front of the expo. As soon as I passed through those gates I felt a frisson of energy electrocute the air (yeah, you know it’s serious stuff when I start talking in frissons!) The atmosphere changed instantly, and as I was handed my Durex goodie bag full of freebies I could barely contain my excitement. I looked up above me to the smoking balcony and saw a gaggle of eclectically dressed kinksters casually dragging on cigarettes, vaporisers and from the smell that was wafting down, quite a few ‘naughty’ smokes 😉 I smiled to myself and stepped into the building, where it then became quite the skill to wade through the crowd without accidentally brushing someone’s gas mask or nipple clamps. Many a ‘sorry!’ and ‘my bad!’s were exchanged that day I can assure you.

I arrived at the first set of stalls and was immediately struck by the latest thing.


Metal everything it seemed. Metal buttplugs, metal catheters, metal collars, metal cock rings. Ball stretchers, chastity belts, (male and female) anal hooks, spreader bars and of course the ever popular urethra plugs. (For those who don’t know they’re basically a set of smooth metal rods that you insert into the lucky man’s pee hole. Google it if you’re bored.) Plastic was out and metal was in baby! I walked past what appeared to be a do it yourself pap-smear stall, complete with a metal (of course) speculum (basically the jaws of life for your juice box.) Not really my cup of tea but hey, whatever floats your boat, plus they were on special so were selling like hotcakes. Moving on through the stalls I purchased a super cute necklace with handcuffs and a dog tag that had “OWNED”  hanging off it and carried on through to the erotic novel section.

I was greeted by a cheery sixty something year old woman, happily spruiking her new book, a detailed memoir of her sexual adventures and awakenings over the past few months. I was intrigued, and very nearly bought a copy (signed by the author too, surely that increases the value, right?) but was distracted by the cracking sound of a whip nearby. I made my apologies to sixty something, promising to be back soon, and made my way towards the sound, drawn like a moth to a latex fueled flame.

Ah ha!

Just what I had been hoping for! I pulled up in front of a stall selling all sorts of whips, floggers, paddles, canes and other pleasurably painful instruments and watched as the stall holder artfully demonstrated just how much of a dent you could make in someone’s ass cheek with a simple flick of the wrist.


I smiled shyly at him and instead asked his much safer looking assistant for advice on which implement to begin my BDSM journey with. She recommended a flogger, just what I’d been thinking of getting. We were totally on the same page. First I had to get sized up however. (I know, how hard is it to choose a whip right? But no, it’s quite technical actually.) To get the correct sized flogger for a beginner, you should place the handle up against your middle finger and then pull the strands up your arm. If the strands reach past your underarm, the flogger is too big for you. Great advice eh? After picking out a very nice purple number with fairly soft strands (no need to go hard leather straight away!) she then advised me to coat the ends in baby powder, prop a black pillow up against the wall or a chair and then commence to giving it a bloody good flogging. This way you can get a feel for the length of it and how hard or soft you should be hitting. Thank you Kinkfest! Fun and educational.

Just to be sure I had all the right information I bought several BDSM handbooks on how to spank, how to play nice and naughty and how to become a sub or dom. Talk about some exciting reading!

Moving on through the now even tighter packed crowd I passed into the fashion section of the expo. Turns out I was wrong, plastic was still definitely a major player! I perused the morph suits, through to the fetish masks then on to the bondage harnesses and of course corsets, corsets, corsets! I’d been to the ladies earlier and had been confronted by a gaggle of women squeezing themselves so tightly into the metal boned corsets their waists were the size of doughnuts and their breasts were fit to pop, so it was no suprise the fashion stalls were doing a roaring trade. Truth be told I would have been right in there with them if my bank account wasn’t creeping towards the edge and threatening to leap off the bridge at that very moment.

After having a quick peruse through the toy section and finding all the regular culprits I decided it was time to call it a day. And what a day it was! I think the thing I loved most was it was exactly the same vibe as the Saints and Sinners ball. Everyone was free to be whoever or whatever they wanted to be with absolutely no judgement. I didn’t see a single squeamish person or giggly teenager trying to take a photo of something they thought was embarrassing or gross to show their friends later. It was just a bunch of really cool people coming together to celebrate something we all appreciated. I was even advised by many stall holders to join the scene on, a community of kinksters where everyone can connect and chat online. I now have several flyers for lunches, dinners, meet ups and seminars coming up in the near future that I’m so excited to try out. The world of BDSM shall remain veiled to me no longer!


Claire xx

P.s next time I’ll let you all know of my very first foray into the kink world. Very pg rated people, only involved a riding crop, candle wax and four scarves 🙂

Pick up line of the week:  A good one to use at bars here.

Heya, you put the ‘hot ass’ in my shot glass!

“What big thighs you have Mr Wolf!”

Good morrow my Lovely Loversons!

And may I just say a thousand apologies oh patient ones! (Little Aladdin reference for all my Disney Lovers out there.) I sit here on my couch, basking in the sunlight that has finally decided to grace my fair city, taking in the delicious sights before me. Namely the six topless construction workers toiling away on the roof next to mine. Oh yes, it’s going to be a great Monday. So while I sit and ponder the possible success of some saucy smoke signals, I figure I’d bang out a blog for my faithful followers, my Lovely Loversons, my sexy sex machines. So, before we were so rudely interrupted last time where were we? Ah yes, Salvatore had just gallantly mounted his steed and was at this very moment galloping full pelt towards my ivory tower of sexiness. Or in other words, he’d just hopped into his Ford and was cruising over at a regular pace with a stop or two to grab some more cigarettes and a lighter.

Pure romance right there.

When said steed arrived at the ivory tower of sexiness, the gallant prince texted the fair maiden

“I’m here.”

Her heart leaped at his gentlemanly penmanship and seductive prose and she dashed down her marble staircase, stopping only to pull the gargantuan wedgie out of her hungry abyss-like crack.

The princess burst through the tower door like a starved monkey fleeing a laboratory and swept over to the prince’s chariot. Because said princess was a totally empowered new age woman, she opened the carriage door herself and gracefully slid inside, casually sweeping aside the empty drink bottles and ciggie packs as she did so.

The prince greeted her with a stately nod of his head and with click of the tongue and a press of the accelerator they were off down the cobble-stoned road.

The princess gathered they would promenade for only a few minutes before finding a cosy hiding spot so they could assume the position of making the beast with two backs, but apparently the damned prince had other ideas. They drove and drove while the prince rattled on about his job of running a castle and a juice empire at the same time and how much of the kingdom he was planning to save with his patented new juice cleanse. The princess meanwhile did all she could to both look intrigued at his prattling whilst still maintaining a damp lady garden, a task that was proving difficult indeed.

Finally though, finally the prince reigned in his mighty steed and indicated into a secluded car park by the beach. The princess’s loins tightened deliciously. This was it! Her dungeons were at last to be plundered! She allowed herself a smug little grin as the prince searched for the perfect park. To her dismay though, such a park was not to be found, as the prince declared that this was in fact not the place for a bonk fest, but further down the road. The princess held in her squeak of despair as the prince u-turned the carriage and high tailed it out of the park. Were the gods taunting her for being a naughty princess? How could they put her in an ivory tower of sexiness and not expect her to live up to it’s name? She growled under her breath in frustration and listened diligently whilst the prince continued to yammer on about retirement schemes for his aging dragon.

After two more failed car park attempts, with the prince all the while proclaiming that the next one ‘was definitely the one’ the princess was close to giving up. Maybe she would have been better off locked in her tower with her loyal cat and box set of Sex and the City? Just when she thought all hope was lost however, the prince finally found his sweet spot.


They parked the understandably knackered horses and jumped in the back seat of the chariot. The princess whipped off her panties before the prince could say ribbed or studded and with one deft movement ripped off his pantaloons. Once protection had been procured and put in place the princess was good to go. She jumped onto the prince with a vigor she never knew she had and began bouncing around like she was on the bucking bronco her father had hired for her sixteenth birthday. After shoving all thoughts of her father away completely, (now was not the time to be thinking of the King, that was for sure) the princess began to really enjoy herself. The prince’s thighs were enormous! She felt as though she was ten feet off the ground, a fact that ensured she had lots of extra bounce.  The prince was doing his best underneath her but truth be told the princess really didn’t care what he did as long as he didn’t distract her. She began to feel that familiar build up inside and the thought that she might finally have an orgasm spurred her on to greater speeds. Sadly, the size of the chariot did not sit well with the princess’s needs and she found herself face to face with the roof of the chariot quite frequently. No matter how she craned her neck or shifted her butt she just couldn’t get the right momentum without making sudden and often painful contact with the interior of the damn carriage.

Damn you two door chariot makers! Damn you!

And big thighs, damn you as well.

Eventually the princess had to admit defeat and about two seconds after the prince came loudly and violently into his strawberry scented condom.


The princess sighed and slid off the now spent prince, searching for her undergarments that she had thrown off in such haste. She eventually found them wedged under the front seat and whilst the prince did away with the evidence of their sinful coupling she slowly pulled them back on, all the while thinking wistfully of her almost orgasm.

After some more talk of juice, retirement plans and a very tedious never say die attitude the prince decided to give the princess another prodding. The princess agreed eagerly, thinking she may just have a second chance at her elusive O, but sadly the prince was keen to be on top this time and the princess never had any luck in that position. So with her head wedged between the seat and the carriage door (yes it was as uncomfortable as it sounds) she let the prince have his merry way with her. The princess enjoyed it, sure, but with no chance of a big finale, her heart just wasn’t in it. So it was probably a good thing that the prince made his ‘royal appearance’ after about two minutes.

After a quick clean up and a check of the horses the prince drove the princess back to her tower, where a chaste peck was exchanged and fond words such as,

“That was fun.”


As the chariot sank into the distance, the princess climbed the stairs back to her tower in the sky, eager for a shower and a SATC marathon.

Claire xx

Great bonking song: Love Story

By: Taylor Swift

Best Used: When you want to be swept off your feet and treated like a princess then fucked like a prostitute! Good times!

Salad and doggy or steak burger and missionary?

Olah Lovers!

And a very happy Saturday night to you all! It’s 2am where I am and I simply can’t get myself off to sleep so I thought I’d do my second favourite thing after sleeping and blog instead. Eating comes a close third but I’ve already eaten a whole box of Cornetto’s so I don’t really feel the need to feast right now 😉 What I will  do is tell you guys about my raincheck.

Tonight was supposed to be another delightful catchup with Salvatore. Sadly his dinner went overtime and around 10pm I got a call asking if we could reschedule as he was buggered. Full points to the guy for actually calling and not simply sending a whiney text. I gracefully accepted and we’re supposed to be having lunch tomorrow. Well, a quick lunch followed by lots of sex, yay! Although I must say I was a bit disappointed Salvatore called the night of frivolous sex off so late. The reasons were two fold. First of all I had been spending most of the day watching sex documentaries getting myself mentally prepped for what I had hoped would be a long night (also the reason I slept in until 3 today, just so I wouldn’t fall asleep midway through the action) but the main reason I was a little piqued about the situation was I had been holding off eating a lot of food in my cupboard all day. “But why?” I hear you ask. Well Lovers, as you know I can create quite the gust when I eat the wrong foods and as it happened this weekend I had all the fatal fart inducing ingredients resting in my pantry. Especially a couple of packets of my favourite chips. They called to me all day, just begging to be eaten, but I stayed remarkably strong, knowing I would thank myself later when I was fluff free in the sack.

So you can imagine my dismay when all that intense self sacrifice had been one big waste! I soothed myself by immediately diving head first into the offending packets and felt an instantaneous calm settle over me as the salt enriched flavours trickled down my eager throat. I couldn’t eat too much though, as the flow on effect could carry on until tomorrow morning. I can only hope that everything ‘dissipates’ by lunchtime. Although, just to be on the safe side I might be cautious and order a salad. Take note of that boys, sure some girls order salads because they are skinny twigs from the planet “I Love Avocado” but others such as myself are doing it for your benefit. We want the steak sandwich with onions and the lot oh so much but we also know you love doggy.

Something’s gotta give.

So, now that you know what I’ve been up to tonight I’ll fill you in on me and Salvatore’s last little adventure. It’s so nice to finally have found a man who I can text for sex, have a lovely time with and then not talk to for the next three weeks. I highly recommend the practice ladies, it’s a wonderful de-stresser after a hard week at work.

One such weekend a few weeks ago Salvatore made first contact and asked if I wanted to ‘hang out’ which as everyone knows is code for ‘my penis will be hanging out of my pants and you will then do spectacular things to it.’ I agreed and he jumped in the car to drive over, thinking we would ‘hang’ at my place. I had other plans though. My room was a complete mess, and thanks to an unfortunate incident I had suffered a few days prior, smelled a lot like vomit.

(The vomit smell was actually totally not my fault. I had a shit of a cold that I just couldn’t budge so in an effort to speed things along I popped a few harmless cold and flu tablets one day before work. On an empty stomach. A stomach that I then filled with chocolate in an attempt to stop the nausea I was feeling. Suffice to say it didn’t work and I had to make my excuses to my boss and get out of there. I hopped on a train home and hugged my stomach tight, hoping against hope I could make it home before twenty or so coconut rough buttons exploded out of me. To my horror, the train diverted and began taking the long route to my house, adding at least ten exta minutes to my journey. By this point my stomach was screaming and was frantically scribbling messages to it’s pen pal my brain. I only got a glimpse of the notes but it was enough to know something was coming out and soon. My butt cheeks clenched involuntarily thinking they might be up for some action but luckily the brain zipped out a quick email to let them know it was out of their jurisdiction. This was strictly an above the belt problem. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and at the next stop I leaped off the train. Surely there were bins at the train station right? Not a damn one in sight. I ran for the escalator, knowing there were toilets upstairs. As soon as I stepped on that escalator though, I knew it was too late. I took a deep breath and stared around myself in horror as my mouth filled with coconut. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to go, and worst of all, nowhere to vomit. There was only one thing for it. I opened my handbag and emptied the contents of my stomach into it’s pleather lined interior. Why god why? First I smack into a door and now I’m defacing my own precious handbag on a packed escalator? What’s next? I felt the horrified stares of everyone around me and as my heaving coughs subsided I tried to act naturally. I finally reached the top of the escalator and tried to step off casually, knowing full well I was now carrying a bag full of my own vomit, with just a touch splattered on my shirt. I escaped to the toilets and retrieved all my valuables out of the handbag. No matter how much I rinsed them under the feeble trickle of the bathroom tap, everything still stunk of vomit. I grabbed my wallet and keys and wrapped them in my scarf, the only thing I had managed to grab out of my bag before the spew-fest began and trudged back to the platform to catch another train. I made crazy eyes at anyone who made a move to sit near me. It was honestly for their own protection, I smelled so bad of vomit I just wanted to rip my own shirt off. So when I got home I simply shed my clothes, crawled into bed and pulled the covers over my head. If I went to sleep maybe I could dream it didn’t happen! But because I’m lazy the clothes remained there for the next few days, slowly but surely filling my room with the most unsavoury of stenches.)

Bet you weren’t expecting that hey Lovers? Ah good times…. except not.

Uh oh, unexpected emergency calls (sadly nothing sex related) so I’ll have to pick this up again very soon Lovers!

Until then!

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: “Hi, my name is Claire, but you can call me Tonight.”