“What big thighs you have Mr Wolf!”

Good morrow my Lovely Loversons!

And may I just say a thousand apologies oh patient ones! (Little Aladdin reference for all my Disney Lovers out there.) I sit here on my couch, basking in the sunlight that has finally decided to grace my fair city, taking in the delicious sights before me. Namely the six topless construction workers toiling away on the roof next to mine. Oh yes, it’s going to be a great Monday. So while I sit and ponder the possible success of some saucy smoke signals, I figure I’d bang out a blog for my faithful followers, my Lovely Loversons, my sexy sex machines. So, before we were so rudely interrupted last time where were we? Ah yes, Salvatore had just gallantly mounted his steed and was at this very moment galloping full pelt towards my ivory tower of sexiness. Or in other words, he’d just hopped into his Ford and was cruising over at a regular pace with a stop or two to grab some more cigarettes and a lighter.

Pure romance right there.

When said steed arrived at the ivory tower of sexiness, the gallant prince texted the fair maiden

“I’m here.”

Her heart leaped at his gentlemanly penmanship and seductive prose and she dashed down her marble staircase, stopping only to pull the gargantuan wedgie out of her hungry abyss-like crack.

The princess burst through the tower door like a starved monkey fleeing a laboratory and swept over to the prince’s chariot. Because said princess was a totally empowered new age woman, she opened the carriage door herself and gracefully slid inside, casually sweeping aside the empty drink bottles and ciggie packs as she did so.

The prince greeted her with a stately nod of his head and with click of the tongue and a press of the accelerator they were off down the cobble-stoned road.

The princess gathered they would promenade for only a few minutes before finding a cosy hiding spot so they could assume the position of making the beast with two backs, but apparently the damned prince had other ideas. They drove and drove while the prince rattled on about his job of running a castle and a juice empire at the same time and how much of the kingdom he was planning to save with his patented new juice cleanse. The princess meanwhile did all she could to both look intrigued at his prattling whilst still maintaining a damp lady garden, a task that was proving difficult indeed.

Finally though, finally the prince reigned in his mighty steed and indicated into a secluded car park by the beach. The princess’s loins tightened deliciously. This was it! Her dungeons were at last to be plundered! She allowed herself a smug little grin as the prince searched for the perfect park. To her dismay though, such a park was not to be found, as the prince declared that this was in fact not the place for a bonk fest, but further down the road. The princess held in her squeak of despair as the prince u-turned the carriage and high tailed it out of the park. Were the gods taunting her for being a naughty princess? How could they put her in an ivory tower of sexiness and not expect her to live up to it’s name? She growled under her breath in frustration and listened diligently whilst the prince continued to yammer on about retirement schemes for his aging dragon.

After two more failed car park attempts, with the prince all the while proclaiming that the next one ‘was definitely the one’ the princess was close to giving up. Maybe she would have been better off locked in her tower with her loyal cat and box set of Sex and the City? Just when she thought all hope was lost however, the prince finally found his sweet spot.


They parked the understandably knackered horses and jumped in the back seat of the chariot. The princess whipped off her panties before the prince could say ribbed or studded and with one deft movement ripped off his pantaloons. Once protection had been procured and put in place the princess was good to go. She jumped onto the prince with a vigor she never knew she had and began bouncing around like she was on the bucking bronco her father had hired for her sixteenth birthday. After shoving all thoughts of her father away completely, (now was not the time to be thinking of the King, that was for sure) the princess began to really enjoy herself. The prince’s thighs were enormous! She felt as though she was ten feet off the ground, a fact that ensured she had lots of extra bounce.  The prince was doing his best underneath her but truth be told the princess really didn’t care what he did as long as he didn’t distract her. She began to feel that familiar build up inside and the thought that she might finally have an orgasm spurred her on to greater speeds. Sadly, the size of the chariot did not sit well with the princess’s needs and she found herself face to face with the roof of the chariot quite frequently. No matter how she craned her neck or shifted her butt she just couldn’t get the right momentum without making sudden and often painful contact with the interior of the damn carriage.

Damn you two door chariot makers! Damn you!

And big thighs, damn you as well.

Eventually the princess had to admit defeat and about two seconds after the prince came loudly and violently into his strawberry scented condom.


The princess sighed and slid off the now spent prince, searching for her undergarments that she had thrown off in such haste. She eventually found them wedged under the front seat and whilst the prince did away with the evidence of their sinful coupling she slowly pulled them back on, all the while thinking wistfully of her almost orgasm.

After some more talk of juice, retirement plans and a very tedious never say die attitude the prince decided to give the princess another prodding. The princess agreed eagerly, thinking she may just have a second chance at her elusive O, but sadly the prince was keen to be on top this time and the princess never had any luck in that position. So with her head wedged between the seat and the carriage door (yes it was as uncomfortable as it sounds) she let the prince have his merry way with her. The princess enjoyed it, sure, but with no chance of a big finale, her heart just wasn’t in it. So it was probably a good thing that the prince made his ‘royal appearance’ after about two minutes.

After a quick clean up and a check of the horses the prince drove the princess back to her tower, where a chaste peck was exchanged and fond words such as,

“That was fun.”


As the chariot sank into the distance, the princess climbed the stairs back to her tower in the sky, eager for a shower and a SATC marathon.

Claire xx

Great bonking song: Love Story

By: Taylor Swift

Best Used: When you want to be swept off your feet and treated like a princess then fucked like a prostitute! Good times!


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