Gah, daylight savings has just kicked in here so I’m feeling so sleep cheated! Still, I figured what better way to calm my disgruntled attitude than a quick session with my favourite Lovers? So what shall we talk about today? Hmm, ooh I’ve got it! My most recent Tinder date! Yes, I think that will do quite nicely. So settle in Lovers, grab a nice cup of tea or glass or vodka if that’s your style and prepare to be wowed by this truly rollercoaster date.
Let’s set the scene shall we? It’s Friday night, another week of work and study over with and yet another Tinder date set up. Will this guy be the one? Or will he just be one of many? I crossed my fingers for the former. Honestly Lovers, dating in this day and age is exhausting! As I’m sure all you single Lovers out there can agree with. So, I pulled on my nicest skinny jeans and top ensemble (way too cold for dress weather) and after a lengthy shoe debate (heels or flats?) I sashayed out the door, freshly made up and ready to date the shit out of this guy!
Unfortunately, in my eagerness to get that nerve wracking first meet over with, I slightly overestimated travel time and ended up at the assigned bar about half an hour early.
Luckily I had planned for just such an occurrence and had brought along a little reading material. Namely The Adult Spanking and Discipline Handbook by The Governess Gemma Forbes. I highly recommend it Lovers, it’s very educational, not to mention in depth. So there I was, perched on a couch, beer in hand, poring through my corporal punishment handbook, waiting for this elusive Tinder man to show.
His name was Boris. A golf instructor from New Zealand who enjoyed playing rugby in his spare time. And boy did Boris seem on edge! When he arrived at the bar he couldn’t find me at first ( I had spied him a little earlier but was coyly checking him out over the top of my book just to get a good first look. First impressions: Not bad, not bad at all. Although sadly he had shaved off the cute curly locks he was sporting in his profile pictures. Damn.) Eventually he sent me an SOS text and I took pity on him and joined him at a table he had commandeered.
Ooh it was awkward to start with. So awkward.
There was the usual “What do you do? Where do you live? How’s life?” crap, but there just really didn’t seem to be a connection there. Boris just seemed so nervous talking to me. I got paranoid and ducked to the bathroom to check if I had sprouted any mysterious growths on my face but apart from my slightly over-sized nose everything seemed blemish free.
I sauntered back to where Boris was sitting, this time determined to get him out of his nervous funk, or whatever it was he was suffering from. I tried the subtle approach, but that didn’t work for a second, so I just came straight out with it.
“Why are you so nervous dude? Relax!”
Of course he denied being nervous at all and trotted out the usual excuses about being tired and having a long day. What was going on here? The guy seemed so cool and interesting over Tinder but right now he was sporting the personality of a goldfish. I sighed inwardly to myself. Oh well, another one bites the dust I suppose. I toyed around with the idea of cutting the date short and madly Tindering until I found a replacement, but that just sounded like far too much work. Plus I didn’t want to be that weird girl sitting at the bar alone scrolling through dudes until I got RSI in my thumb. No, not a good idea. Besides, Boris was definitely a nice guy, there was no denying that, I just couldn’t get past the dating wall of China he had erected. So I decided to make the best of it. Hey it was Friday night after all and I was out with a guy drinking tasty beer, could be worse, right?
Because I assumed this date would go no further I let go of all my first date guidelines (which after a few beers I rarely follow anyway) and launched into my favourite topic.
What’s your favourite position? Craziest place you’ve done it? Like it up the butt? Weirdest sex story?
And like a beautiful sex lotus, Boris began to bloom before my eyes. He was playful and eager to discuss all the topics I brought up. He was genuinely interested when I enlightened him of the new fads going around and perfectly horrified when I described butt hooks to him in detail.
Huh, maybe this guy wasn’t so bad after all.
And that’s when he unknowingly pulled his trump card and asked me to rate his kissing style.
I don’t know about you Lovers, but I love a good pash. There’s nothing better to make you feel alive than a skillful tongue down your throat. However, it has to be a good kiss. Nobody likes a snake-tongue or Danny-dribbler hanging off their mouth. I also have a great passion for improving said kissers. Don’t get me wrong here Lovers, I don’t think I’m God’s gift when it comes to kissing, but I do know what feels nice and what definitely does not. So when a terrible kisser attacks my face I like to go the extra mile and set them straight. It’s my small service to the community and every other girl who that particular student will end up kissing.
You’re welcome ladies.
So when Boris asked me to ‘rate’ him (his words not mine people) I jumped at the chance. If he was good then hurrah a great kiss for everyone involved, and if he was bad then hey I get to roll up my teacher sleeves and get instructing.
And so we kissed.
Nice, very nice.
So that was how the night continued on. We’d chat, usually about some sort of sexcapade one or the other had embarked on, make out for a while, stop and get a beer or make a toilet stop and then repeat. It was fun. I was glad I stayed.
But what happens next Lovers? Oh the ups and down! Much like a good blowjob every date can be improved by ups and downs but how far down should one go before your realise you can’t pull up? That you’ve gone so far you’ve hit the back of your throat and if you move now your may just overpower your gag reflex and spew everywhere?
Find out how the gag reflex makes a recovery next time Lovers!
Pickup line of the week: I’m no weatherman, but you can expect a few inches tonight!