1800-PIMP-YO-ASS

Happy weekend Lovers!

Sex is a bad thing because it rumples the bedclothes.”

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

Thank God those days are over right? I’m so glad we get to live in a day and age where sex is celebrated and partaken in as often as possible instead of hidden behind closed doors (although honestly, some couples really need to get a room.) No longer do girls have to ‘lie back and think of England’ as they are ‘penetrated.’ No no, sex is so much more these days, or at least it should be. If you’re in a relationship and the most foreplay you get is ‘brace yourself Effie,” then I think it’s time you shake things up a little.

But sometimes it’s not as simple as all that, is it?

Lovers, I know we all aspire to be complete Lothario’s in the boudoir don’t we? Pull those boys into bed, give em a grind and send them away with stars in their eyes? Or perhaps seduce the senoritas into the sauna before sexing the life out of them, concluding in multiple orgasms for all?

Ah the dream…

Of course unless we’re very lucky, good sex must be learned, worked for and of course maintained (if it works the first twenty times great, but chances are you’ll have to change your repertoire before long kiddo.) Yes that’s right, we all have issues in that sexiest of rooms. Maybe you’re like me and cum shoots through you faster than a bullet train. Or maybe it’s your mind that’s the enemy and you can’t seem to get the thought of what to buy Aunty May for her 47th wedding anniversary out of your head whilst your lover whispers sweet nothings into your nether regions. (Dude, why are you even getting her an anniversary present? It’s not like you’re married to her. I really think a card is all that’s necessary in this situation.) Or perhaps it’s the thought of old Aunty May that gets you going far too quickly for anyone’s liking? (Think what you want during sex people, but poor May doesn’t want to hear the news of her nieces breakup due to the fact her man couldn’t stop yelling out certain months of the year in bed… Eyes open, mouth shut if that’s the case.)

So what to do in situations like this? Some things you can’t fix, just alter slightly. I can’t swallow after blowjobs these days (a cruel irony as I really do enjoy dishing them out) but I always make sure I have a tissue or some form of spit receptacle handy so I can deal with the situation in my mouth as quickly and painlessly as possible. After all, nobody wants to see their woman running frantically around the room with her hand clamped over her mouth, eyes bulging wide, desperately searching for a way to rid her mouth of your babymakers. Kind of kills the mood.

But luckily there are a few situations we can work on! With just a few changes, a little practice and some trial and error, almost no sexual issue is insurmountable! So let’s start with one of mine shall we?

I was once talking to a colleague after a particularly thorough lesson on blowjobs involving a cucumber and some grapes           ( props; one of the few perks of working in a salad bar) when she asked the question I’m sure quite a few of them had been pondering for quite some time.

“Have you ever considered becoming a prostitute?”

Now Lovers, most people would be aghast, confronted, even insulted by a comment such as this. But not me. Because actually, the thought occasionally did cross my mind. Why not work in the industry I just so happened to love passionately and knew quite a bit about? There were a few things stopping me from pulling out the thigh highs and dialing 1800PIMP-YO-ASS, but it was mainly one in particular. So without missing a beat, I turned to my workmate and said,

“Yeah, I’ve thought about it, but my vajayjay just dries up way too quick.”

After she’d picked her jaw up off the floor from the shock of my complete equanimity to the situation, we spoke for quite some time about the issue of the old rusty juicebox.

Am I the only one Lovers? That would be a negative. So many of us struggle keeping the swamp at just the right muddiness. It’s either too dry for anything to survive, let alone thrive, or the tsunami hits and it’s every man for himself trying to feel any sort of sensation through the watery folds. I have much more trouble with the former, as basically I’m a twenty seven year old nymphomaniac stuck in the body of a menopausal nun. But never fear Lovers! I have done the hard yards and researched the shit out of this issue, and today is the day I unleash this most crucial of information.

So let’s giddy up and get moist!

What to do first.

Ok Lovers, we’ve all got a very close relationship with our beef curtains, but have we really appreciated them lately? Have we taken the time to take a good look and really check out the real estate down below? I can sense already a lot of you shaking your heads, and I haven’t even posted this yet. Well don’t feel too bad Lovers, I myself was guilty of this crime, not having had a sneaky peek since my teenage years when curiousity overtook me and I took the plunge down south with my Mother’s hand mirror.  I decided after my sexual foray with Boris that it was time to have another look-see and see if I couldn’t fix this situation with a little TLC of the coochie.

Huh, wasn’t expecting that.

Maybe I should have had a freshening up session first with the help of a razor, but I figured seeing the beast in it’s natural state would be best. The first thing I thought when I looked down there was “Wow, that looks a lot like Homer Simpson’s mouth.”

Yeah should have shaved.

Seriously ladies, you have two or three days growth on the old honeypot and all of a sudden you’ve got a channel ten animated character staring back at you! Crazy times. Once I got past the Homer situation I delved a little deeper, and I was suprised at what my main thought was.

“Naw, isn’t it cute?”

Honestly Lover’s, it kind of was! I have a special vagina calender my mates bought me for Christmas with a different close up vag pic for every month, but seeing the inside of one, especially your own, is quite the cathartic experience! And then something crazy happened.

I was doing my one woman exploration during the day in bed (ah uni student life) with the radio on my favourite station, Pure Gold Nineties. As I was peering into all the crazy nooks and crannies of my bits and pieces, Backstreet boys came on.

And I honestly couldn’t control what came next.

I took hold of my pink bits and made them sing! Together we mouthed the words as the Backstreet Boys lamented about the way they wanted things. She even took on a different personality with each of the boys, being cheeky and a little sexy when singing Nick’s part, but then adorable and lovely when Brian was crooning the words. It was so much fun! Talk about a bonding session! In fact it was so great we rewarded each other by finally trialling the newest vibrator in our collection.

See Lover’s? Fun for everyone!

So now that you’re familiar with what’s taken up residence between your legs, it’s time to get that bad boy on side!

Option One: Before sex, engage in AT LEAST fifteen minutes of foreplay.

I struggle with this one personally. As soon as a guy heads down south I’m ready to go. Well, my brain is at least. More often than not it’s me dragging them up from the lunchbox to wack on a condom and get down to it. But because of this my poor lady garden hasn’t had enough time to acclimatise to the presence of penis in her midst. And before I know it I’m all out of juice and left either asking the guy if he’s close (girl code for “hurry the fuck up, I’m dying here!”) or offering to finish him off with a well timed blow job. So, according to my google, yahoo and plentiful sex journals, foreplay is super important for the lady to enjoy sex. Start with the guy going down on you, before sliding one finger in, upgrading to two when you’re ready and then if you’re, keen go for a third, just to make sure the hanger is definitely ready for the aircraft to land. If you don’t like the oral aspect just ask him to do a lot more handy work, or grab his hand and play puppet-master. Hopefully this should get you ready to last at least twenty minutes or so without lube.

Option Two: Lubey Lubey Lube Lube!

We all know about lube yes? It can be great, it can be self heating (very dangerous) and it can be the death of a great session between the sheets. Too little and you may as well have not used any, too much and nobody feels a thing (although the sound factor increases with all that extra squelching. If that’s what you’re into. No judgement people.) But what lube is best? Well if you have a sensitive coochie like myself, it’s best to go for a lube that’s glycerine, propylene, glycol and paraben free. You’re probably thinking “Keh? Why is she saying these big annoying words? I just want to read my sex blog in peace!” It’s very important you know these words though Lovers, because they can apparently make all the difference. If in doubt, just go for the organic stuff, it’s usually free of all the nasties. But don’t take my word for it, try a few different ones out. You might be sensitive to one and not to another, or one might burn like a mofo whereas the other soothes and supplicates like a dream. Experiment is key here lovers, so let’s get wet!

Option Three: Ribbed, studded or regular?

Condoms; they can be a godsend or the devil incarnate. Sure they protect us from those scary STI’s and the even more terrifying consequence of unprotected sex; babies (cue shudder here) but why do they have to be so damn annoying? They stick, they chafe, they tear, they come off inside you! What type of evil mastermind invented these tiny devices of sexual torture? The answer I’m sure is someone who very much cared about the human race and wanted us to remain safe and healthy, but I’m pretty sure he had a mean streak in there too. A big problem I have in bed when having sex with a condom is that the damn thing just dries me out like nobody’s business! Lube isn’t as viable an option as oil based lubes can damage the latex and potentially weaken them. So unless you’re certain that your lubricant isn’t oil based and your condoms aren’t latex, it’s best to steer clear of the lube/condom combo. But how to solve this problem? It’s all about shopping around! Here are a few condoms that are for one latex free and also cater to the more sensitive among us.

SKYN: This condom is made from polyisoprene, which is basically a synthetic model of latex but without the allergy component. They’re thicker which means less rips and tears (yay!) but to the touch are super soft and quite nice. Although I don’t recommend throwing out your facial flannel and replacing it with one of these bad boys. Soft and nice for sex only people.

Trojan: Polyurethane is the main player in this cock sock, which means they last longer than the regular latex model, and again no annoying latex allergy issues! The other upside of this condom is heat is transferred remarkably well through the material, so you’ll be able to feel the warmth of your man’s passion all night long!

You don’t have to go for these two exact brands Lovers, I’m just giving you an idea. Simply look for condoms made from either polyisoprene or polyurethane and you should be on to a winner.

Well I know what I’ll be doing next time I have sex! Don’t worry Lovers, I intend to practice what I preach and will personally try all these methods and let you know which ones work and which ones fail miserably.

Ooh the tension is killing me! 😉

Until next time Lovers, think slippery thoughts!

Claire xx

Shameful plug time: Hey Lovers! You know I love writing for you and I hope you enjoy reading my posts just as much. I’d like to spread the word to as many Lovers out there as possible though and I need your help! If you love reading about my crazy sexcapades then vote for me in Kinkly’s Sex Blogging Superheroes of 2015! All you need to do is click on the link and vote for my blog (and yes I suppose you can vote for others too, there’s some really good one’s trust me! ;-)) Let’s see if I can get into the top 100 eh? Love you long time Lovers!

https://www.kinkly.com/top-sex-bloggers/howmanyfrogs

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