Hey Lovers, I’m back!
I wish I could say my absence was due to being whisked away to compete in some gloriously cringe-worthy dating program like The Bachelor, and for reasons of utmost secrecy I could not disclose my location to you, but sadly it’s nothing nearly as exciting as all that.
Turns out study is a bitch!
That’s right Lover’s, for the past two weeks I have been so bogged down with assignments and readings that I have been barely able to raise my head for long enough to grab a cheeky roll in the hay. I tell you Lovers, when you have to start scheduling sex around essays, you really need to start thinking about your priorities in life!
But, I have huge news for you my lovelies! Actually I have two bits of news, both equally exciting but one involving slightly less bodily fluid.
We did it! Thanks to your votes, How Many Frogs is now number 83 on the list of top 100 sex bloggers of 2015! Plus we just managed to sneak into the list of top ten newcomers of 2015! I am, as always, indebted to you my Lovely Lovers. Without you, none of this would be possible and I’d just be that slutty girl who’s sex life goes awry 80% of the time. You rock!
Now to the other exciting piece of business. Months, months I tell you Lovers, that’s how long it had been since I had experienced that glorious sensation we all like to call an orgasm. But last night…. It was achieved! Oh, what a feeling, I felt as if I’d just bought a Toyota! And the best part? It just kept going and going! Well, until poor Boris couldn’t take it any more and ordered his army to charge the slippery gates. To his credit though, we had been going for quite some time, stopping only for ‘the incident.’
Things were going swimmingly and after quite a lengthy cunnilingus session, Boris had taken up position between my waiting thighs. Boy was he going at it, and I was loving it! Maybe a little too much however, as I felt my… excitement trickle down my butt crack. Not so bad to start, but just like wetting the bed, as soon as it gets cold, things get icky. Still, it was easy enough to ignore and I carried on whooping with enjoyment as Boris plundered my chamber of secrets. Suddenly Boris was eager for a bit of doggy action. I concurred and we moved to change position.
And that’s when I saw it.
Blood. Blood on the bed. Right where I had been lying!
My mind raced as the possibilities for why the crimson infidel had appeared piled up in my already fuzzy brain. I wasn’t anywhere near due to book the painters in for some renovations, so it certainly wasn’t periodic table blood. Oh god, had I somehow become re-virginised? I snorted as I contemplated the hilarity of the thought. One week of no sex and all study and suddenly I was a virgin? No chance.
But what was it? Sure Halloween was close but if I had wanted a themed Halloween romp I would have dressed up as a witch and made Boris my naughty boy whose punishment was to insert himself into my cauldron of doom. (Sounds fun eh? Maybe next year.) I grabbed a tissue and swiped at my butt crack, fearing the worst… But it came away clean ( well, mostly clean, it’s my butt crack after all.) Maybe it wasn’t me?
“You were scratching my back.” piped Boris. I gasped and quickly inspected him, but as I thought, my bitten down nails barely grazed his thick man skin. Suddenly Boris lifted his leg and the explanation was clear.
“Oh, I forgot about that.” he chirped meekly, as he showed me an old cut on his knee that had obviously been reopened due to the friction of his furious thrusting.
Shame about the bed sheets though.
Luckily after that debacle Boris thoroughly made up for it by letting me go on top where as you now know I experienced the juice box shattering orgasm. Ah, bliss.
Now Lovers, you may be thinking “Wow, Boris is still in the picture, this must be great news! Maybe he’s ‘The One?'” I can tell you now my ever optimistic love bugs, that this is not the case. There are moments in life when it’s time to ask yourself one question. And no it’s not the obligatory “do I feel lucky?” But instead the rather important query of “does he like me or my orifices?”
Unfortunately Boris is an orifice man all the way.
While at first I was disheartened and catastrophised everything with thoughts like “God everybody wants me for my tiny beef flaps but never my boisterously big personality!” And “urgh, I may as well book a flight to Amsterdam now and work in one of those doors in the red light district with all the other orifice ridden women.” Then I realised the almost impossible task of attaining a working visa with a job title such as “Door Whore” and thought better of the whole idea. Even if I’d gone all politically correct with “Door Individual Coyly Keen” that still spelled out exactly what I was after.
No no, it was better to stay in Australia, accept the fact that Boris and I would just be enjoying putting things in each other and get on with finding my super special man… Wherever he was.
So now you’re up to date Lovers! I will try my best to keep the updates coming and sate your furiously sexual appetites! Until next time, Happy Horny Halloween!
Pick up line of the week: Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you everyone else disappears.
(Closest I could get to a Halloween pick up line ;-))