Kiss me you fool!

Hey Lovers!

Let’s get straight into it! No foreplay, just jam it in boy!

So, as you all know, after thoughtful deliberation, I’d decided I had to see Callum again. I’ve never been someone to leave things alone. I’m a picker. I’ll just pick and pick at something until not only is it badly infected, but has tinges of gangrene and is in danger of falling off and making a mess all over the kitchen floor.

But involuntary amputations aside, there was still so many questions gnawing away at me that I just had to get an answer to. Plus if I got to see my new favourite couch again that could never be a bad thing.

We organised to have a movie night. A boozy movie night. The booze was my idea as I wanted to get him liquored up so I could extract all the information I needed.

Sadly I hadn’t really thought the date through and when the big night rolled around I was fresh out of alcohol. Except for a two year old bottle of Passion Pop, possibly the worst and cheapest sparkling wine known to man.

I headed down to the bottle-shop to pick up something a tad more sophisticated. As I pulled up to the drive through I swore under my breath at my forgetfulness. It was Good Friday. There wasn’t going to be a bottle-shop open in the entire country, let alone my tiny little city.

I cast a hateful look at the bottle of Passion Pop nestled in the seat next to me, realising that that would be my alcoholic sustenance for the night.


Still, a real woman never blames her tools. Passion Pop or no, I was going to seduce the shit out of that boy tonight.

Now here’s a side note for you Lovers. I am well aware now of how crazy I sound. That is the beauty of hindsight. At the time though I thought I was a dating mastermind. I didn’t really like this guy and he didn’t seem too keen on me, yet I was heading in guns blazing and tits firing in an aim to find out what his feelings were towards me. I was very much an all or nothing girl in my youth. Just thought you ought to know that as I write this, I am agreeing whole-heartedly with you whenever you exclaim “WTF?” or “What the hell is she doing?” and “Wow, that bitch be crazy.”

This bitch still be crazy, but she has learnt a thing or two about self control and letting things run their course instead of diving in like an angry beaver and damming the place up until it all flows my way.  Especially since I wax (or shave) these days so no beaver connotations can be associated with me anymore.

So now that that’s cleared up, back to the story!

I arrived at Callum’s door dead on six o’clock, nervous and a little sweaty due to the heat. I shoved the Passion Pop under my arms, reveling in the blessed coolness of glass on skin. It was in this euphoric state that Callum found me as he opened the door.

I jumped and shoved the bottle at him, hoping it didn’t smell like B.O too much.

“Sorry,” I said quickly, gesturing at the bottle “It was all I had in the fridge.”

“That’s ok.” He replied, ushering me inside “I’ve got some stuff here.”

Cue sigh of relief from me.

He put the bottle in the fridge as I surveyed his apartment again. It was very clean and didn’t really smell like boy. I wandered into his bedroom and caught it, that stale corn-chip smell that I always found attached to guys at some point.

Satisfied that he was in fact a man and not some terribly convincing cross dresser, I sauntered back into the kitchen where the man in question was making drinks.

“What are you making?” I asked, sidling over to him.

“Frangelico and lime juice. It’s my favourite drink.”

“What about beer?” I asked, slightly disappointed we couldn’t just crack open a six pack.

“Oh yeah obviously, but this is all I had.”

I giggled. It was clear he was as unorganised as me. I liked that.

We took the drinks over to the couch and settled in.

“What movie do you want to watch?” Callum asked a little nervously. I could tell he was afraid I was going to ask for something like Notting Hill or some other girly crap. Instead I chose Red Dragon.

I hadn’t seen it before but he assured me it was great and really gross at some points too. Obviously the perfect choice for a date movie.

The movie started and I tried my best to concentrate. As soon as the opening scene had finished Callum turned to me and started blabbing on about his life story.

Where on earth did this come from? I nodded along as he yammered on about all sorts of details of his life, some interesting, some really not so. I didn’t get a chance to watch more than twenty minutes of the movie so when the credits rolled and he asked me if I liked it I just told him it was a little hard to follow.

Technically not a lie people.

The next two movies continued in the same way. We would pop on a dvd, settle in and then as soon as it would start, so would Callum.

By the end of the third movie I was getting a little frustrated so I declined the offer of another movie and tried a different tack.

“Why don’t we just talk?” I suggested, as that was what he had been doing for the last six hours.

“Oh, I’m not really much of a talker.” He mumbled, and I struggled not to spray Frangelico all over him out my nose.

“Say what?” I asked as soon as the nasal crisis had been averted. He just looked at me for a moment, and that was when I realised that he was just as nervous as I was. All the chatter and nonsense he’d been blathering on about was just nerves.


Well if there was one thing I knew that cured nerves and awkwardness was a good snog. I sidled over to him so we were touching and leaned in close to his face.

He didn’t move.

I was all for helping out a fellow man but I wasn’t going any more than eighty per cent. If he wanted a kiss he was going to have to put in the effort.

He leaned in and I braced myself for the first passionate tongueing .

What I didn’t expect was his arms to come up around me and pull me into a hug.


I opened my eyes to find myself staring over his shoulder as he stroked my back. What was happening here? Callum slowly started laying me down on the couch, arms still around me.

Oh ok, I thought, he’s just re-positioning for the most effective angle. Roger that.

I squished myself into the couch, getting ready for a long pash session, but again I was flummoxed when he curled up beside me and spooned me.

Just spooned me!

I counted to ten. And then I counted to thirty. And then I counted the ceiling tiles on his roof, and still there was no action, not even the whisper of a boob graze. What was he waiting for?

I wriggled around until I was facing him. I didn’t know what to say, as the phrase “Just stick your tongue in my mouth!” seemed altogether too blunt for this situation.

So as I searched for the right words, or in fact any words at all, there was a long silence. I’d like to say it was a very romantic silence in which our two souls finally became one in the simple motion of locking eyes, but that would be lying. It was fairly awkward actually.

Finally though, when I thought the silence would become too much to bear, Callum slipped his hand under my shirt and slowly moved it towards my back. His fingers traveled upwards until they found my bra-strap, where he began the complicated task of one-handedly undoing my bra.

Epic fail.

He fumbled and fiddled for what seemed like an age, all the while pulling the most ridiculous faces. I had the feeling I was getting a sneak peek at his sex face, and the thought did nothing to comfort me.

Finally though he brought his other hand up and finished the job. I waited for him to take my top off and get to the goods, but his hands stayed firmly on my back. I wasn’t going to let him go any further than a bit of a nipple fiddle, but the fact that he wasn’t even making an attempt to breach the perimeter was very off-putting.

And then he started talking.


We lay there for the next couple of hours, just chatting and laughing. Without the movies playing I could pay much more attention to his conversation and interact on a more level playing field.

It was only when Callum got up to pee did we realise the sun was coming up. It was five thirty in the morning and we hadn’t even noticed!

I was going to drive home as we both had places to be that day but Callum gallantly offered to let me stay the night, or at the least the hour or so that was left of it.

So we relocated to his bedroom and curled up under the covers. To my surprise and delight Calum slipped his hands under my bra and cupped my boobs most affectionately.

Houston, we have contact.

But still no kiss.

At that moment however I was too tired to care and we slipped into a spoony kind of nap and slept for the next five hours.

I woke up later not realising where I was and why my bra felt so loose. It was only when I noticed the fairly firm grip that was being applied to my ass that I remember what had happened.

I rolled over to Callum and mumbled a sleepy good morning and a mumbled apology, as I had to race home straight away.

He nodded his understanding and we rolled out of bed together with a plop, taking the doona with us as we went.

I wriggled out of the mess of blankets, giggling like an idiot the whole time. I realised with a jolt that I was actually having quite a nice time. I had gone into this date thinking I would get the boy drunk, seduce a tipsy kiss out of him for curiosity’s sake and be on my way. But that hadn’t been the case at all.

Best laid plans I suppose.

As I did up my bra and sorted out the situation that was my hair, Callum got us some orange juice from the kitchen.

I stared at myself in the mirror, silently psyching myself up for the moment. I wasn’t leaving without a kiss. I needed to know where I stood.  Was this something? Or were we just mates who fondled each others special features now and then?

After applying a heavy dose of lip gloss, (most of which  plastered itself to the glass when I took a sip of juice) I sauntered up to Callum and slipped my arms around his waist.

He looked at me for a moment quizzically before giving me a little squeeze and moving away to rinse out the glasses.


I stormed up behind him, all traces of seduction gone and spit out “So are you ever going to kiss me or what?”

Bastard didn’t even look up from the dishes.

“Yeah,” he said “Eventually.”

“When is eventually?” I huffed

“I guess you’ll have to wait and find out.” He said with a coy grin.

I was glad I couldn’t reach his saucepans, because at that moment a frying pan would have proved a deadly weapon.

I sighed, feeling defeated and very much the loser in this ‘game’ that was dating. I had no idea how to play it and the only cards I held were desperation and needy, which of course were played way too early in every hand. Of course after dating Rick I had also acquired the very handy  blowjob wildcard to my deck, but I still hadn’t quite figured out the power that particular card held.

I gathered my things and headed towards the door

It wasn’t until I reached my car that I realised Callum had followed behind me. I turned to him, my brow arched in a silent question.

He put one hand on the top of the car and the other around my waist. And then he went in.

I must say it wasn’t the passionate lip melding I was hoping for, but there was definitely talent there. Yes, I thought to myself smugly, I could work with this.

After a moment he pulled back with a smirk and said “See? Told you I’d do it eventually.”

I giggled and was about to answer with some cute come back when I noticed the parking ticket on my windscreen, along with a letter saying “YOU CAN’T PARK HERE!” in an angry scrawl.

“What’s this?” I cried, snatching up the ticket “You said I could park here!”

“Sorry,” he shrugged, “Guess the rules must have changed.”

“You think?” I growled. Talk about ruining the moment.

“Sorry.” He said again nonchalantly. I just glowered at him. He certainly didn’t look seventy dollars worth of sorry. Hell he barely covered fifteen.

I sighed and hopped in my car, annoyed that my triumph was so swiftly followed by punishment.

Callum leaned in my window and gave me a quick kiss. “So I’ll see you again soon yeah?”

One look at his puppy dog eyes and all was forgiven. I could tell he genuinely wanted to see me again and that thought alone cheered me up no end. Plus on the way home I blasted Vengaboys so loud I couldn’t hear any bad thoughts even if I’d had them.

I really should have turned down the Boys and listened to my inner voice as it screamed “Never ever go back!” But really, who can resist the dulcet tones of Boom Boom Boom Boom?

Stay tuned for the disaster that follows Lovers!

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: Your ass is so nice. It’s a shame you have to sit on it!



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