Good evening Lovers!
And a happy good morrow to you all! I hope you have all been engaging in completely indecorous, wanton behaviour this entire weekend! Now you may be wondering ‘why is she using a touch of ye old English today? This is most out of character!’ Well Lovers, today I want to talk to you about a specific rogue I came across on my online travels today. (Don’t worry, we’ll come back to Callum next time I promise.) He called himself a ‘gentleman’ but boy do I find that hard to believe! I didn’t even make contact and I still hate him. Trust me when I say Lovers, I desperately wanted this to be a joke profile, and searched profusely for any sign that said gentleman was pulling yon ladies leg or petticoat. But alas, the gentleman was indeed a dickhead of the worst degree and had no redeeming factors to pull him from the deep douche abyss he had plummeted into. So you want to read his profile Lovers?
Of course you do, you sick, sick vicarious bastards! And boy do I love you for that!
Here we go… (The regular text is him and the italics are what I screamed at my phone as I read this pathetic profile. Enjoy.)
Dear Ladies, (Good start)
I am a 30 year old man and I am looking for a rare woman which I do not believe exists (certainly not here on this POF site which seems to attract very low status women) (then piss off and try another one loser),but I’m going to try and find her anyway.
My ideal woman is aged 18 to 26, (ageist much?) is non-hypergamous (that word doesn’t even turn up in spell check you wordy bastard.) and is not looking to ‘marry up’. She must love me for who I am and not for what I am and what I can provide in terms of financial resources. She must love me for my personhood and my humanity as a man. (Humanity? Pfft bitch please, like you have any at this point.)
She will: (always a good sign when a man lists off things you WILL do whether you like it or not.)
Be physically attractive, slim and look after her body. (Obviously.)
Have no children and certainly not be a single mother as I do no want to spend my resources raising another mans child. (Geez, heaven forbid you should do something generous with that mountain of cash you have under your bed.)
Is not a feminist nor has any feminist leanings whatsoever (damn the feminists, damn ALL the feminists! Pfft what a wang.)
Is deferential, respectful, compliant and appreciative – just the way a woman should be ( I can’t…. I can’t even.)
Enjoy sex very much but will not use sex as a bargaining tool to manipulate me as a man (well on the bright side he didn’t specify the sex had to be with him… Which is probably a good thing as I’m sure his baloney pony would be the size of a gnat.)
Be Asian as I much prefer Asian over Caucasian (once Asian never Caucasian)
(Don’t try and make your racism cute with a joke loser)
I will not be giving up any of my financial resources by the way (Why am I not surprised? You seem like such a kind hearted, giving guy.)
My goal here is to have sex with as many attractive women as possible whilst not giving up any of my resources (uh dude, you’re not supposed to actually SAY it. Don’t you have any tact at all? Oh wait, you don’t.)
In fact – whilst dating (wait are we having non negotiable sex or dating? Make up your mind boy!) you will be expected to pay for me given that we live in an age of equality now due to what the feminists have achieved in society which means there is now an excess of essentially undatable women who will end up bitter, lonely old cat ladies. (Make up your mind you silly sausage! If you want a woman with no feminist views whatsoever that bitch is going to want her coffee for free! What is she supposed to be grateful for if all she gets is you, your tiny gnat dick and the bill? You best watch out boy, when feminist cat ladies form a posse, they can be deadly to thirty year old fuckwits. Or so I’ve heard…)
I expect I will meet, have sex with but certainly discard several of these types of women during my dating here. (It will be a blessing for them when you ‘discard’ them, trust me.)
All contact from women who are unattractive, fat, old, have children or feminist leanings I will report to the site administration as inappropriate and I will block. (Because of course, heaven forbid a girl should dare contact a prized bull such as yourself! At least he’s narrowed the field down to rich, young, beautiful, Asian, compliant, anti feminist sex maniacs. I’m sure there’s plenty of those out there buddy.)
Fun fact (Are you fucking serious?) – Want to know what the most dangerous creature on the planet is? (Thats is a question not a fun fact fuckwit.) Answer: The beautiful woman. (Get out. Get out of my sight right now.)
Eligible Bachelor (who will remain thoroughly single for the rest of his days due to being completely devoid of any redeeming qualities and a teeny tiny todger.)
Apologies Lovers, I just had to get that out of my system. God that feels good!
Anywho I’m off to go take a cold shower and attempt to restore my faith in mankind. Emphasis on man.
Best bonking songs: Killing in the name of
By: Rage Against the Machine
Best Used: When you’re super angry with your man, but he doesn’t know you’re angry at him, but you need to de-stress with a good girl on top orgasm and you need something to keep the rage going so you can do him hard and fast, possible getting off before he comes. Ha! Suck it man!