Merry XXXmas!

Jingle bells, jingle bells,

Jingle all the way,

Oh what fun it is to have

Sex with Santa in his sleigh, Hey!

Merry Christmas Lovers!

And a very humpy new year to you you crazy horn dogs! Yes, tomorrow is the big day, full of family, presents, oodles of food and small children. Thus the day sadly lacks any sexual innuendo or indeed sexual experiences (considering it’s just family I’d be super concerned if there was! Incest is so last century) . I didn’t even try and gift any of the family with lingerie or sex books this year (it hasn’t gone down well in the past I can tell you that now 😉). But what about the days before and after Christmas? You’d think this time of year every man and his reindeer would be gagging to pop his candy cane in my jingle bell. But alas and alack, nobody seems keen to take that particular sleigh ride at the moment. 

Honestly, how’s a girl supposed to celebrate the silly season without a sexy man and his ham between the sheets?

Well this year instead of screaming my lucky elfs name whilst in the throes of passion, I’ve had to content myself with screaming out Christmas carols.

With just a touch of Frog style thrown in of course 😉

Try singing my very special version of the 12 days of Christmas next time there’s a lull during Christmas lunch. (Maybe cover your grandma’s ears first though.) The best part of this carol is that anyone can sing it! If you’re happily married or in one of those disgustingly sweet long term relationships you sing ‘My true love gave to me.’ If you’re not in a relationship but are enjoying certain body parts of another human being there are multiple choices ‘My toy boy/side chick/ man friend gave to me.’ Or if you’re in none of those categories just go with the always relevant ‘My vibrator that I pretend is Ryan Reynolds after he broke up with that bitch  Blake Lively and came running into my arms begging me to make love to him and never leave him, gave to me…’ But that ones a little tough to fit into the verse 😉 

I’ll start you off Lovers, and you carry on!

12 days of Christmas

 On the first day of Christmas my toy boy gave to me…An unwanted pregnancy

On the second day of Christmas my toy boy gave to me…A large butt plug and an unwanted pregnancy

On the third day of Christmas my toy boy gave to me… Strap on fun, a large butt plug and an unwanted pregnancy 

4- Sex on all fours 

5- Chlamydia

6- Ass to mouth playing

7- An older couple swinging

8- Gold nipple clamps 

9- Nine Fluffy merkins

10- Kinky S&M

11- double ended dildos

12- Water sports aplenty 

How’d you go Lovers? Hope you enjoy singing it as much as I loved coming up with it! This is where I leave you for now but have a wonderful Christmas and make sure you drag someone into bed on that most important of nights, New Years! Nothing better for bringing the new year in than having someone in you!

Claire xx

Best bonking songs: Any Christmas carols at this time of year really. Dress up as a naughty elf or miscreant Santa and do the dirty as angelic choirs sing about that little drummer boy 😉

P.s keep an eye out in the new year for a Howmanyfrogs Facebook page!

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Spew or Screw?… You pick

Good evening my sexy lovers!

And a happy hump day to you all! Many humpy returns to you on this joyous day of celebration! 😉 Speaking of humping, I promised to fill you in on what disaster awaited myself and Callum next didn’t I? Well it’s not humping just yet Lovers. After I almost got a face-full of the brown stuff (were talking scat people) I wasn’t too keen on the idea of trying again too soon. However all those lovely safe, cautious emotions go out the window once alcohol gets involved don’t they Lovers? Goddam it tequila, again?

I’ll set the scene for you here my lovelies. Things were still pretty new with Callum and I, and since we hadn’t ‘consummated’ the relationship just yet nothing was set in stone. And so my night of shame began…

After a mad night out with the ladies, I was completely and utterly trolleyed. My loving boyfriend (We had become officially an ‘us’ two days previously) offered me the opportunity to stay at his house as it was much closer to town. Sadly this meant a cheaper taxi ride which meant more money for drinks.

And so at three am I stumbled in, scantily clad in a corset, ripped stockings and a mini skirt that barely covered my lunchbox. (Hey, we were all nineteen once right?)

“Baby I’m home!” I slurred in a sing-song voice.

“Yes, I can see that.” He said sleepily, tossing the covers aside for me to get in. “Do you want me to get you some water?”

“Pfft, water.” I snorted “Can’t shot water. What’s the point?”

“I really think you should have some.” He urged

“Urgh god do I look like a plant? No.” I slurred “‘Sides the body is like over half water right? I’ll just drink some of that.”

You’ve got to love drunken logic.

So with a shrug Callum pulled me in for a cuddle and we drifted off to sleep.

An hour later I woke up in serious trouble.

“Oh nooo.” I mumbled “S’not looking good.” I stumbled out of bed and headed straight for the toilet. After smacking my head on the toilet seat I lifted it up just enough to empty the contents of my stomach into the bowl.

Turns out my stomach is really big.

I just kept throwing up mouthful after mouthful of tequila, chartreuse and jager. They don’t taste great going down, and I think we all know how disgusting they taste coming up.

Suddenly I heard a knock on the door. “Claire? Are you ok in there?”

Now a normal person would have replied with something along the lines of ‘Yes I’m fine, go back to bed, I’ll be along, yada yada yada.’

But of course this is me we’re talking about, so in a wild screech I yelled

“Please, please Callum! Tell me you’ll still sleep with me!”

There was silence from the other side of the door before Callum finally said “Uh, what?”

“ Me! You gotta still sleep with me! I’m totally gre-“ Pause for mid conversation vomit “I’m great in bed!” I paused for a quick gargle and spit before wailing “Please Callum! (vomit) You, you can’t (vomit some more) break up with me before we have sex!”

I could practically hear Callum thinking how crazy I was. I flushed and tried to shove my head into the toilet, thinking drowning had to be easier than this level of humiliation. But then I heard a light tap on the door.

“Claire, come out here.”

I paused to wipe my face. And my chest. And my stomach. Then I had to wipe my feet on the mat. Then I realised I should probably shower before he saw me.

And that’s how Callum walked in on me trying to take a bath in the sink.

Turns out with doors you actually have to lock them to keep people out.

I looked up and froze like a deer in headlights. I couldn’t think of anything to say. All that was going through my head was that I was such an embarrassment to him. A girlfriend who couldn’t even hold her alcohol. And he was going to dump me for it. And we hadn’t even had sex!

“Look!” I cried, lifting my leg up as high as it could go “I’m very bendy.”

Callum just shook his head and lifted me out of the sink.

He towelled me down and took me back to bed. We lay down and he tucked me into the nook under his arm.

“I’m sorry,” I sniffled “Please don’t dump me cause I’m a spewer.”

He laughed softly “You’re and idiot.”

“But an idiot with a boyfriend?” I asked cautiously

“Yes,” he replied “An idiot with a boyfriend.”

“Good.”

It’s always an awkward moment when you find out you drool in your sleep.

It’s even more awkward when you wake up to realise you’ve slobbered all over your man’s chest.

There was many a morning I would wake up in this situation, frantically grabbing a bedsheet and hurriedly wiping away the evidence before Callum woke up. It was only when he developed a slight rash on his chest that I decided I really had to start sleeping on my pillow from then on. That next morning was no different, as I woke up in a pool of my own slobber, drool smeared all over my cheek like some rabid great dane.

Good times eh? Luckily for me Callum was a very nice boyfriend that morning and took me out for breakfast. Well, he tried, but as I couldn’t get out of the car we decided to go drive thru and eat at home where the public could be safe from my projectile vomiting.

Naw what a sweet story huh? Minus the vomit obviously. Next time it’s finally sexy time for me and Callum! What hi-jinks will ensue? Will he be amazingly good or soul crushingly awful? Ooh such tension, such suspense! 😉

See you then Lovers!

Claire

xx

Pickup line of the week: Will you be my girlfrien? I left out the D cause you’ll be getting that later!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blow Job or Blow Out?

Buenas Dias Lovers!

And a happy hump day to you all! So now that we’ve all taken a breath and recovered from the asshole that was last weeks post, it’s time to move onto a different kind of asshole… The literal one. And for once, it’s not me shitting my pants but somebody else! Hurrah!

So, last time we left it just after the first kiss and the parking fine didn’t we? Ok, lets carry on Lovers 🙂

I visited Callum at his place two days later. It was lovely. We went for a walk and a talk and a pash and all three vastly improved since our last date. It was getting late when we arrived back to his place and Callum had to start getting ready for work at the club.

“I really don’t feel like working tonight though.” he groaned.

“So don’t.” I quipped “Stay here with me and we’ll have pizza and beer and play naughty drinking games.”

Safe to say he didn’t attend work that night.

The next day we were woken by the sound of Callum’s mobile ringing. He peeled one hand off my boob and reached for it, the other hand staying firmly glued to my butt.

“Hello?” he mumbled sleepily. Whatever the person on the phone said next certainly woke him up quick smart.

“What?” he cried “Why?” He paused to listen and I tried to squish closer so I could hear a little of the conversation.

“It was just once for Christ’s sake.” He blurted out, before sighing and saying “Fine. Whatever. Bye.”

He slammed the phone down so hard on the bed I was almost double bounced off it.

“Who was that?” I asked gently

“Work.” He replied gruffly “I won’t be getting anymore shifts because of last night.”

“Oh.” I said quietly, guilt sweeping over me instantly. “Can you get another bar job do you think?”

“Nah fuck em.” Callum said abruptly “I don’t need that job anyway, I’ve still got the service station job. It’s fine.”

“Um, ok.” I had no idea what to say. After all, it was kind of my fault he’d lost his job.

Suddenly I had a brilliant idea. I couldn’t get him another job sure, but I could certainly give him a type of job he hadn’t gotten from me yet. Yes, a good blow job could solve almost anything. It had certainly worked in Rick’s case, that was for certain.

I took a second to psyche myself up, and then I rolled onto him.

His reaction was not what I was expecting at all.

Callum let out a whoosh of air like a one ton elephant and it’s shopping had landed on him.

Ouch.

“You ok?” I asked, sucking in my tummy and supporting myself on my elbows to keep from crushing his apparently super fragile frame.

“I just, I need to, umm give me a second.” And with that he ran from the room.

My jaw hung open as I watched him sprint out the door.

Keh?

What had just happened? I took quick stock of myself to see if anything had changed. Nope, my boobs hadn’t swelled to enormous size and almost crushed him. My bellybutton was lint free and wasn’t oozing any type of hazardous material, and my fingernails were still the bitten off stumps they had always been, with no risk of impaling or skewering in sight.

So what had made him run?

I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them, parting them quickly to take a quick sniff of downstairs just in case I was packing any chancy aromas.

But nothing!

I can tell you now the old self esteem took quite the beating at that moment. It wasn’t until I heard the strange sounds coming from the bathroom that I started to realise it may not have been me.

I slowly got out of bed and crept towards the closed bathroom door.

“Callum?” I said softly as I knocked timidly on the door “Is…Is everything ok in there?”

“Fine!” he shouted a little too quickly. And then I heard the unmistakable sound of someone who’s just had a really bad kebab. And isn’t expressing it with their mouth.

I stifled a giggle and ran back to the bedroom.

Thank god! He just had the runs! I’d simply triggered a chain reaction by jumping on him. Whoops. Still I must say it was quite the relief to hear the gross sounds coming from the bathroom and knowing that I had pretty much nothing to do with it.

Eventually Callum emerged, freshly showered (thank goodness) and lay down on the bed with a plop, (pun intended)

“Feel any better?” I asked

“Not really,” he replied “I knew I shouldn’t have had that old milk.”

I opened my mouth to chastise hime but I didn’t get the chance as Callum was on the run once again.

I shook my head at the stupidity of boys and got dressed before heading down to the chemist.

After some awkward unwanted advice from the pharmacist about how to insert a rectal thermometer, (we weren’t even official yet lady! I think I’ll stick to the oral thermometres at the moment thank you!) I returned home with some pills to plug my boy up.

There was no blow job that day, but I felt we had grown closer as a couple. After all, it’s not every day the person you like almost shit’s his own bed.

My gloating was to be short lived however, as barely a week later the situations were reversed.

Luckily for me my issues were much more mouth to toilet rather than ass in shower.

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: We’re going to dance to one song, then go back to my apartment and fuck.

(If anyone ever uses this and it works please god let me know! ;-))