Spew or Screw?… You pick

Good evening my sexy lovers!

And a happy hump day to you all! Many humpy returns to you on this joyous day of celebration! 😉 Speaking of humping, I promised to fill you in on what disaster awaited myself and Callum next didn’t I? Well it’s not humping just yet Lovers. After I almost got a face-full of the brown stuff (were talking scat people) I wasn’t too keen on the idea of trying again too soon. However all those lovely safe, cautious emotions go out the window once alcohol gets involved don’t they Lovers? Goddam it tequila, again?

I’ll set the scene for you here my lovelies. Things were still pretty new with Callum and I, and since we hadn’t ‘consummated’ the relationship just yet nothing was set in stone. And so my night of shame began…

After a mad night out with the ladies, I was completely and utterly trolleyed. My loving boyfriend (We had become officially an ‘us’ two days previously) offered me the opportunity to stay at his house as it was much closer to town. Sadly this meant a cheaper taxi ride which meant more money for drinks.

And so at three am I stumbled in, scantily clad in a corset, ripped stockings and a mini skirt that barely covered my lunchbox. (Hey, we were all nineteen once right?)

“Baby I’m home!” I slurred in a sing-song voice.

“Yes, I can see that.” He said sleepily, tossing the covers aside for me to get in. “Do you want me to get you some water?”

“Pfft, water.” I snorted “Can’t shot water. What’s the point?”

“I really think you should have some.” He urged

“Urgh god do I look like a plant? No.” I slurred “‘Sides the body is like over half water right? I’ll just drink some of that.”

You’ve got to love drunken logic.

So with a shrug Callum pulled me in for a cuddle and we drifted off to sleep.

An hour later I woke up in serious trouble.

“Oh nooo.” I mumbled “S’not looking good.” I stumbled out of bed and headed straight for the toilet. After smacking my head on the toilet seat I lifted it up just enough to empty the contents of my stomach into the bowl.

Turns out my stomach is really big.

I just kept throwing up mouthful after mouthful of tequila, chartreuse and jager. They don’t taste great going down, and I think we all know how disgusting they taste coming up.

Suddenly I heard a knock on the door. “Claire? Are you ok in there?”

Now a normal person would have replied with something along the lines of ‘Yes I’m fine, go back to bed, I’ll be along, yada yada yada.’

But of course this is me we’re talking about, so in a wild screech I yelled

“Please, please Callum! Tell me you’ll still sleep with me!”

There was silence from the other side of the door before Callum finally said “Uh, what?”

“ Me! You gotta still sleep with me! I’m totally gre-“ Pause for mid conversation vomit “I’m great in bed!” I paused for a quick gargle and spit before wailing “Please Callum! (vomit) You, you can’t (vomit some more) break up with me before we have sex!”

I could practically hear Callum thinking how crazy I was. I flushed and tried to shove my head into the toilet, thinking drowning had to be easier than this level of humiliation. But then I heard a light tap on the door.

“Claire, come out here.”

I paused to wipe my face. And my chest. And my stomach. Then I had to wipe my feet on the mat. Then I realised I should probably shower before he saw me.

And that’s how Callum walked in on me trying to take a bath in the sink.

Turns out with doors you actually have to lock them to keep people out.

I looked up and froze like a deer in headlights. I couldn’t think of anything to say. All that was going through my head was that I was such an embarrassment to him. A girlfriend who couldn’t even hold her alcohol. And he was going to dump me for it. And we hadn’t even had sex!

“Look!” I cried, lifting my leg up as high as it could go “I’m very bendy.”

Callum just shook his head and lifted me out of the sink.

He towelled me down and took me back to bed. We lay down and he tucked me into the nook under his arm.

“I’m sorry,” I sniffled “Please don’t dump me cause I’m a spewer.”

He laughed softly “You’re and idiot.”

“But an idiot with a boyfriend?” I asked cautiously

“Yes,” he replied “An idiot with a boyfriend.”

“Good.”

It’s always an awkward moment when you find out you drool in your sleep.

It’s even more awkward when you wake up to realise you’ve slobbered all over your man’s chest.

There was many a morning I would wake up in this situation, frantically grabbing a bedsheet and hurriedly wiping away the evidence before Callum woke up. It was only when he developed a slight rash on his chest that I decided I really had to start sleeping on my pillow from then on. That next morning was no different, as I woke up in a pool of my own slobber, drool smeared all over my cheek like some rabid great dane.

Good times eh? Luckily for me Callum was a very nice boyfriend that morning and took me out for breakfast. Well, he tried, but as I couldn’t get out of the car we decided to go drive thru and eat at home where the public could be safe from my projectile vomiting.

Naw what a sweet story huh? Minus the vomit obviously. Next time it’s finally sexy time for me and Callum! What hi-jinks will ensue? Will he be amazingly good or soul crushingly awful? Ooh such tension, such suspense! 😉

See you then Lovers!

Claire

xx

Pickup line of the week: Will you be my girlfrien? I left out the D cause you’ll be getting that later!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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