Merry XXXmas!

Jingle bells, jingle bells,

Jingle all the way,

Oh what fun it is to have

Sex with Santa in his sleigh, Hey!

Merry Christmas Lovers!

And a very humpy new year to you you crazy horn dogs! Yes, tomorrow is the big day, full of family, presents, oodles of food and small children. Thus the day sadly lacks any sexual innuendo or indeed sexual experiences (considering it’s just family I’d be super concerned if there was! Incest is so last century) . I didn’t even try and gift any of the family with lingerie or sex books this year (it hasn’t gone down well in the past I can tell you that now πŸ˜‰). But what about the days before and after Christmas? You’d think this time of year every man and his reindeer would be gagging to pop his candy cane in my jingle bell. But alas and alack, nobody seems keen to take that particular sleigh ride at the moment. 

Honestly, how’s a girl supposed to celebrate the silly season without a sexy man and his ham between the sheets?

Well this year instead of screaming my lucky elfs name whilst in the throes of passion, I’ve had to content myself with screaming out Christmas carols.

With just a touch of Frog style thrown in of course πŸ˜‰

Try singing my very special version of the 12 days of Christmas next time there’s a lull during Christmas lunch. (Maybe cover your grandma’s ears first though.) The best part of this carol is that anyone can sing it! If you’re happily married or in one of those disgustingly sweet long term relationships you sing ‘My true love gave to me.’ If you’re not in a relationship but are enjoying certain body parts of another human being there are multiple choices ‘My toy boy/side chick/ man friend gave to me.’ Or if you’re in none of those categories just go with the always relevant ‘My vibrator that I pretend is Ryan Reynolds after he broke up with that bitch  Blake Lively and came running into my arms begging me to make love to him and never leave him, gave to me…’ But that ones a little tough to fit into the verse πŸ˜‰ 

I’ll start you off Lovers, and you carry on!

12 days of Christmas

 On the first day of Christmas my toy boy gave to me…An unwanted pregnancy

On the second day of Christmas my toy boy gave to me…A large butt plug and an unwanted pregnancy

On the third day of Christmas my toy boy gave to me… Strap on fun, a large butt plug and an unwanted pregnancy 

4- Sex on all fours 

5- Chlamydia

6- Ass to mouth playing

7- An older couple swinging

8- Gold nipple clamps 

9- Nine Fluffy merkins

10- Kinky S&M

11- double ended dildos

12- Water sports aplenty 

How’d you go Lovers? Hope you enjoy singing it as much as I loved coming up with it! This is where I leave you for now but have a wonderful Christmas and make sure you drag someone into bed on that most important of nights, New Years! Nothing better for bringing the new year in than having someone in you!

Claire xx

Best bonking songs: Any Christmas carols at this time of year really. Dress up as a naughty elf or miscreant Santa and do the dirty as angelic choirs sing about that little drummer boy πŸ˜‰

P.s keep an eye out in the new year for a Howmanyfrogs Facebook page!

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