Why can’t this whore score?

Happy Hump Day my Lovely Lovers!

Lets get straight into the mayhem shall we? I’ll continue where we left off, with myself and Callum’s pathetic excuse for a sex life.

Now Lovers, there is only one thing to remember when you’re like me and love being in a relationship. And that my friends, is perseverance. Sure, my first sexual experience with Callum didn’t go exactly as planned, or at all for that matter. In fact the words horrific and frustrating as fuck constantly sprang to mind every time I allowed myself to think about it, but with time and lots of practice, I eventually convinced myself that I could salvage this sexual train wreck.

The first thing I had to boost was his desire. For some reason Callum’s desire for me was not at all where it should have been. The first few months of a relationship are usually the best. All you do I root like rabbits and occasionally go out to dinner and a movie to space out all the relentless fucking. But dinner is usual cut short due to ferocious footsies under the table. And as for the movie, well you’re lucky if you get to the cinema at all as most of the time you end up jumping in the car and making a mess of the backseat. But for Callum and myself there was none of this. Sure I wanted a gentleman, but only on the street, not in the sheets! I decided I just had to show him the way. If I nudged him a little in the right direction, I was sure the floodgates of desire would burst open and I’d be up to my eyeballs in stained sheets before I knew it.

That was how I found myself driving along the main highway decked out like the naughtiest girl to grace the catholic school halls. At each traffic light I frantically adjusted my pig tails, frustrated beyond belief that they still weren’t even after an hour in front of the mirror. Britney Spears blared from my speakers as I tried to get myself into the zone, winking and twiddling my fingers at other drivers who gawked at me as they drove past. If I was getting this many looks from men on their way home from work then I definitely had the slut look down.

Boo- yah!

Britney and I cruised onwards for a few more minutes, begging anyone who would listen to hit us at least one more time, before I finally arrived.

This was it!

I was still relatively new to the world of sex, after having only slept with two men before Callum, and this was definitely the most daring thing I had ever attempted. It was safe to say I was shaking in my high-heeled boots.

Until I got into character that is.

If you’re ever having trouble with a role-play Lovers, my advice is to completely let go of yourself. Be somebody, anybody else. It can be someone you know, like Jan from accounts or it can be someone you’ve magically created in your head like Benzino the Badass Bingo Master. (Hey whatever floats your boat people, I don’t judge!)

So after assuming the position of Stacey, the lollipop sucking, pigtail twirling slutty little school girl, I sashayed up the stairs, swathed in the biggest black coat I could find. No point giving Callum’s neighbours a free show now was there?

I arrived at his door, knocked twice, and allowed the coat to slip from my shoulders and form a puddle at my feet.

There was movement behind the door. I could hear footsteps. For a moment I panicked, thinking Callum may have some unexpected visitor staying over that was about to cop an eyeful, but as I heard the slip slap of bare feet, I knew it was the man himself about to answer the door.

This was it!

The door swung open. Callum looked me up and down slowly, a hungry look in his eyes and a bemused smile on his face. I quivered inside, right deep down to my schoolgirl lunchbox. Oh yes, he liked it all right. Any moment now he would lunge at me with animalistic lust, throw me over his shoulder and carry me into the bedroom, after which he would spank me within an inch of my life before demonstrating his authority by inserting his ruler into my pencil case!

Bring it on!

Callum finished his perusal of my appearance and finally said,

“So, you hungry?”

What the french fried fuck?!

Hungry? Did I look like I was dressed for a damn dinner party? How clueless could he be? What on God’s green earth did I have to do to get this guy to screw me?

Fuck, fuck, fuckity, frustration, fuck!

After relaying these words to Callum he simply looked at me in shock, completely nonplussed about what he had done wrong.

“Ok, ok lets have sex I guess.”

Oh wow, what an invitation. Take me now master. Pfft, what a joke.

I sighed and instead of being carried, sloped into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. There was another seventy bucks wasted on sexy lingerie for my apparently asexual boyfriend.

“You look nice.” Callum muttered, but I was way past accepting compliments at that point. Besides, I would have much rather he said something along the lines of “Oh yeah girl, you look like one skanky ass bitch.”

Ok, maybe not quite so ghetto but you get the idea, I was not dressed for a church lunch with the Vicar.

So we had sex, and it was lame, the highlight being when I scratched Callum’s thigh with my high heel.


But also a little bit of ‘hah, you deserved that you prudish bastard.’

Then we had dinner and watched tv and went to bed like a couple who had been dating for two years instead of two months.

A smart girl would have ended it. A smart girl would have seen that there was not enough to sustain a relationship and finished things before it got messy. A smart girl would have walked away.

I am not a smart girl.

However little did I know that in the next month, something was about to happen that would change our relationship forever. And probably not for the better.

Dum, dum duuummm…

Claire XX

Pickup line of the week: Let’s go to my place and do the things I’ll tell my friends we did anyway.

Ben Affleck is a twat blocker!

Good god it’s hot Lovers!

Seriously, my butt is so sweaty my crack has practically misted over! I am truly envious of all my Lovers in the northern hemisphere right now! But enough about my damp derriere, I have great news! The How Many Frogs?  Facebook page is finally up and running! That’s right, if you’re looking for your one stop sexual shop, then Facebook is where you need to be! Ok maybe not your complete stop shop, but if you’re in need of some saucy quotes, amusing memes, and updates and tidbits from your favourite blog, then look no further! Just type in “How Many Frogs?” and you’re away!

Now, where did we leave off last time? Ah that’s right, I had Callum’s pants off and had just been confronted with his… situation. Yeah it was small, like really small, but I contented myself with the knowledge that many men these days were growers, not showers. Who knew, in a few moments time I could be eating my words whilst struggling to fit his enormous cock into my pitifully inadequate mouth! That’s right, no judgements Claire, don’t be the bitch Nathan Lynes told you you’d turn out to be when you were in year two.

Armed with these positive thoughts, I grasped the bottom of Callum’s shirt and pulled it up over his head.

Ok now things were just getting ridiculous.

I had just gotten the boy completely naked and he was still totally enraptured with the television. What did Ben have that I didn’t?! Apart from rippling abs and the ability to save the world from certain disaster of course. I was starting to get very annoyed. Was Callum not attracted to me? Did I smell funky? (His own fault really for serving me onions, but still.) Or even worse, was he just not a sexual person?

Good God no!

I needed sex in my relationship. Cuddles are lovely, kissing is nice but fucking is fabulous! I may have mellowed a little in my old age, but back then in my very early twenties I was on eager beaver! I could barely handle a few minutes of foreplay before I was yelling “Put it in! Put it in!” (So romantic.)

No no, this boy was going to have sex with me and he was going to enjoy it goddam it! So much so he would be dragging me into bed every time we saw each other. Or hotel rooms, or change rooms, or toilets. Whatever.

Stop thinking so much and just do it you silly woman! Honestly, sex scenes do not normally take this many pages! Although normally the heroine is not battling with a sluggish, seemingly disinterested partner. Mills and Boon would not be happy with that I can tell you now. Unless loins are a burning it’s straight in the bin with that G-rated rubbish.

Right, it was reveal time.

I hopped up on my knees and slid my skirt off slowly, enjoying the smooth fabric as it slithered down my freshly shaven legs. If he wasn’t going to appreciate them I sure as hell was. Then I took a deep breath and lifted my shirt up over my head, the plan being to toss it luxuriously off the bed once it cleared my head, leaving my hair to drape wild and free around my shoulders, framing my modest yet maximally pushed up décolletage. Unfortunately I forgot my ‘wild and free’ hair was being held in place by a few choicely placed bobby pins, which chose that exact moment to make their appearance.

Rather than impressing my boyfriend with my effortless sex appeal, I instead demonstrated the art of how to fall off the bed whilst tangled in your own shirt, blinded by your endless amounts of hair. A gentleman would have caught me. A gentleman would have dashed to my aid, laid his jacket around my shoulders and instantly produced a cup of chamomile tea to soothe my nerves. A gentleman would have at least asked after my welfare. A gentleman would definitely not however, fall about himself laughing, asking his mistress to ‘do it again so I can film it this time!’

Oh the humiliation!

I could have given up right then and there. I could have stormed out and sulked in the lounge room. I could have thrown myself off the balcony to see if he would even notice, but instead, I took it on the chin (which funnily enough happens more often than you think due to men’s terrible sprog aim) and clambered back into bed with an embarrassed giggle.

On the plus side, I had finally captured his attention.

Finally, finally Callum pulled me into his arms and kissed me passionately. Success!

I savoured the feeling as his tongue greedily explored my mouth, his hands coming up to fondle my neck and caress my waist. Ah it was heaven.

For about ten minutes.

God I was bored! As I said, kissing is lovely, especially when you’re surfing the crimson wave. There’s nothing better than whiling away a few blissful hours in the company of someone’s tongue, knowing it’s not going any further unless you take a long shower and lay down some serious towels. But when it’s that very special ‘first time’ with your ‘special someone,’ progress needs to occur swiftly! I kept trying to twist and turn to manoeuvre Callum’s hand onto my chest, or at the very least my butt, but his hands stayed firmly in the ten and two position, leaving me with the very real fear that this romp may simply end with a peck and a good night.

Not on my watch Mister.

I disengaged from the kiss and headed downtown, eager to jumpstart his yogurt slinger ASAP. After wrapping my mouth around his gravy maker I was pleased to hear some soft satisfied moans coming from above me. However, as soon as I looked up from my task, I saw the bastard was still watching tv! I jammed my finger into his belly button and twisted, hard.

He yelped in pain and all thoughts of Benny Affleck left his mind in a rush. Or at least I hoped they had. I shook my head at him and finally let go of my frustration. Why was he so uninterested? Wasn’t this special for him? Didn’t he like me? And what the hell was this obsession with the damn movie? If I had known Ben was going to be such twat blocker I would have turned the tv off instantly!

Callum finally realised he was being a douche and subsequently apologised profusely, citing “nerves” as his reason. I wasn’t convinced, the boy was clearly no schoolboy virgin, but at least he had apologised, which was a start.

So when Callum went in for another kiss I was finally confidant that it would lead to something. He rolled on top of me and with a few clumsy fumbles tried to preheat my oven. I didn’t mind the fact that he was no Casanova downtown; it was just great to finally get his full attention and effort. With a rip and a slip, the condom was on and it was go time.

Journey to the centre of the Claire had begun.

And it was fine. Nothing mind blowing, but not the stuff of nightmares either. When it comes down to it, size isn’t important, it’s just a luxury really. But then again so are leather car seats and every man and his dog want those.

When Callum was done ( I wasn’t exactly sure when it happened as he was unfortunately one of the dreaded ‘silent comers’) he rolled off and almost instantly fell asleep. Turns out that particular male behaviour is universal no matter what the cock size.

As I lay there contemplating what had just transpired, I made two promises to myself. The first was that I would never judge a man by his schlong size, (it all feels the same once they jam it in anyways) and the second was that next time we attempted this, I was officially going to blow Callum’s mind. Oh yes, it was costume time…

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: I grind so fine, they call me coffee.


Sexual Conundrum #49 – Arguably Undersized Assets

Welcome to 2016 Lovers!

Apologies for the break in blogging, but like all of you I have been attempting to revel in the festive season. Sadly I contracted the most deadly of deadliest colds on Christmas Day of all days and have spent the last ten days in bed (sadly alone, not with my own personal man nurse like I would have hoped for.) I did stir myself out of those sheets long enough to down seven shots of tequila and hunt down a New Years kiss though. A poor Irish boy who I’m afraid will be experiencing many phlegm filled days in weeks to come. Sorry dude. 😉 But hey I’m back now and it’s a brand new year which means brand new men, sex positions and who knows what else? But as the first blog of the year lets get back to some old business and carry on with the story of Callum!

Ah the sweet glow of new love! Callum and I were like two peas in a pod, spending every moment we could together. Well whenever I had time to drive over to his house that is. It’s very tricky having a boyfriend who doesn’t drive and has a strong aversion to public transport. But we prevailed and finally we had got to know each other well enough to go ahead with the big event.

(Anyone who is thinking marriage at this point is clearly reading the wrong type of blog. I’m talking sex people!)

I hadn’t attempted to go down on him since the ‘milk’ episode so I decided to make it a combo deal of firsts and give him a night to remember.

First, I did the obligatory bra and panty shop, finally deciding on a cute but sexy black number that I was sure would have him bulging at the seams.

Then I cleansed thoroughly, and no I’m not talking about the cleansing you do in the shower. A couple of laxatives the night before made for a messy morning but after a few interesting visits to the ladies I was ready for action with a flat stomach Carmen Elektra would be jealous of.

Well not really, but I could do up my jeans without sucking in too much, so that was a bonus.

Safe in the knowledge that no farts or sharts would be ruining my night of romance I took a long luxurious shower, slathering on three different types of lotion.

After towelling down I made the unfortunate discovery that coconut, chocolate and mango essentially smell like dirty old ass when combined together, so it was back into the shower for a scrub down and a severe mental note never to repeat that mix.

After a final earring and necklace check (earrings that won’t get caught when flinging hair around and necklace long but not too long to hamper blowjobs) I was ready to go.

I cruised around to his house, Celine Dion pumping all the way. Oh yes, I was ready for the power of love all right.

Bouncing up the steps to his apartment, I felt as giddy as a schoolgirl and made a quick not to myself to buy myself an outfit to match that feeling for next time.

Callum answered the door, none the wiser to my sex filled plot, and we enjoyed a lovely dinner of spaghetti.

Of course, I didn’t eat much as he tended to add onions to his spaghetti mix. Onions make me super gassy and that was so not the vibe I wanted to be putting out. Sex does smell in it’s own special way, but there’s no way you can mask that particular onion funk. Nothing ruins the big moment more than a waft of fart in the nostrils just before you come.

Eventually after moving my food around on the plate for what felt like hours, Callum suggested we go to his room to watch a movie.

Watch a movie? Oh I see. Say no more sir, I am on to your special sexual language.

It was clearly a badly disguised code for, come to my bedroom madam, so I can roger you within an inch of your life.

Yes please.

I slid off the chair and with a flick of my hair, walked seductively to the boudoir, excited beyond belief for my deflowering. Once inside, I draped myself across the bed, arms above my head and legs akimbo, practically begging to be defiled by my testosterone charged man.

I was severely disappointed Lovers.

When said defiler entered the room, he had a very different idea in mind.

Callum looked at me for a moment, his eyes searching, before coming down to join me on the bed. His hands reached up towards mine and grasped….

The remote.

Night of unbridled passion officially ruined.

Goddamit this guy was hard to screw! No longer was I in the frame of mind to ‘make love.’ No, now I was ready for a good old-fashioned fuck. Just take me real and raw, boy.

But that was not to be, as the news was on and the state of the country was apparently far more important than my raging libido.

I humphed in frustration, trying to make my irritation clear enough for him to turn off the tv and turn his hot girlfriend on instead. Honestly you’d think the man had never had a horny woman in his bed before!

After heaving an extremely over prounounced sigh, I tried to content myself by imagining the news presenter naked.

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Finally though, the weather girl wrapped up her speech on how wet it would be over the next few days, (I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony, I was dry as a bone with not a lick of moisture in sight. A very sad forecast indeed.)

With the titillating sound of the newscast in my ears, I decided to make my move.

My hand snaked up his torso until it was resting on his pecks (you can still call them pecks when they’re kind of squidgy right? I mean the muscles still there; it’s just under… witness protection. And by witness protection…. I mean fat.)

I grasped his peck and located his nipular area, slowly circling my fingers around it to see if I could get it hard. I mean hey, if I couldn’t get his nipple hard, what hope in hell did I have to get his wang working?

To my delight I felt movement almost instantly. Within seconds his nipple was right and ready to poke out the nearest unwary eyeball. I grinned fiendishly to myself and slipped my hand lower to his navel, grazing the soft skin around his belly button.

Throughout this time Callum didn’t seem to be reacting in any particular way, so I just assumed the cheeky fellow was playing coy. But boy he was really laying it on thick, not even hinting at a smile or giving me the odd sideways look.

Was it because The Sum of All Fears had just come on television? I mean sure Ben Affleck is hot, but come on, I spent fifty bucks on this lingerie!

Never one to back down from a challenge I took a deep breath and eagerly engaged.

(Note: To all you normal women out there, this would be the perfect time to give up, punch your guy in the stomach and storm out. However as we know by now, I am the opposite of normal, and can’t take hints even when they strip naked and try to give my face a lap-dance. So read on and take in the horror of what comes next, but please, I implore you ladies, don’t try this at home!)

I squashed my entire body as close to him as I could, going for the whole skin on skin erotic feel, (which probably would have worked were we not fully clothed) whilst my hands did a little dance down to his jeans. Peeking up, I checked to see if anything I was doing was having the slightest affect on the boy, but I needn’t have bothered. Callum just lay there like a mute potato, seemly oblivious to my touch (although I suppose to be fair most potatoes are mute these days.)

Well, movement or no movement from the man attached to the jeans, there was no going back now. I had his belt in my hands and it was coming off pronto. With a flick and a slip his belt was on the floor and my hungry hands were exploring unchartered territory.

I was finally going to glimpse the peen!

I undid the first button on his jeans and moved onto the next with feverish anticipation. My fingers fell upon the second button within moments and I dived for it greedily. But this particular button was not quite as easy as the first, which to be honest was frustrating as hell as I was about as easy as a packet cake mix by this point. I worked the button this way and that but it just wouldn’t budge. It seemed to be covered by fabric or something. Was it some sort of inside button that doubled as a damn chastity belt? I fumbled around for a few moments before I froze in my tracks.

The button moved.

Ever so slightly, but there was a definite pulsing to it. I reared back, trying to get a better angle on the…situation.

And then it hit me.

Dear god, I had mistaken his penis for a button!

Desperate to hide my shock from Callum, I yanked his jeans down as fast as I could. He yelped as the zip grazed his ‘button’ and scraped down his leg.

I muttered my apologies whilst I made a beeline for his underwear. I had to know, I had to see just what I was dealing with. Some things are very attractive in a man and can enhance his looks rather than detract from them. Button nose yes, button penis, not so much.

I closed my eyes as I slid his underwear down to his thighs, feeling the scratchy tuft of pubes as I did so.

Ugh he didn’t even trim, bloody typical.

No, focus! I screamed at myself. Pubes aplenty is fixable, puny penis could be an issue.

Taking a deep breath to gather my nerves, I opened my eyes and shot a look at his groinal area.


Well, it could have been worse.

The word I would use to describe Callum’s member would be… squat. Or stout. Any of those hardy, sturdy type words would fit the bill really. Some boys are thick at the base and taper off towards the top, but Callum was fairly solid the whole way up, like a naughty adult crayon. Sadly lengthwise, crayon was a fairly accurate description of the situation. I didn’t dare to compare but a tiny voice at the back of my head was yelling “Oh my god! He’s half the size of Rick!”

I quickly shut that voice up lest it show on my face.

Of course there was no need to worry about hiding my emotions, as the movie was just starting to rev up and Callum was more enthralled by Ben Affleck’s guns than that pesky girl gawking at his penis.

I should have given up. I should have called it a night, sighting shock, a head ache or the fact that I just adored the Sum of All Fears. But I’m just not that good a liar.

I’ll never like that movie.

So with some trepidation I took a deep breath, thought sexy thoughts and  initiated contact.

To be continued…!


Pickup line of the week: Your father must have been a mailman, cause you’ve got a great package.