Aloha my Lovely Loversons!
Honestly Lovers, you know the monetary situation is dire when you need to take batteries out of another device to power your electric toothbrush. You know the situation is catastrophic when literally the only device left is your vibrator!
It brings a whole new appreciation for brushing my teeth, I can tell you that!
But aside from my cavity and mechanical technical difficulties, things seem to be looking up. Therefore it’s the perfect time to fill you in on the second last installment of the Callum files…
The end is nigh! But just how did I extricate myself from the situation that was Callum? That, my lovely Lovers, is where the story gets interesting…
I was eight months into my tumultuous relationship with Mr No-Job and Christmas was fast approaching. The stress of paying not only my own rent but also my slack ass boyfriends’ was really starting to take its toll on me and I did attempt to break up with Callum a few times.
But each and every time he would talk me out of it, promising everything whilst doing almost nothing.
Note: Callum is not a bad guy, just the opposite actually. I just happened to be unlucky enough to be dating him during probably one of the worst periods of his life.
So I ploughed through, sneaking around whilst Gretchen was home and silently cursing her every moment of the day.
One afternoon I got a call from Callum asking me to pop round after work and help him out with something. He didn’t mention exactly what he needed help with and when I arrived I knew exactly why he hadn’t.
Callum led me to the bedroom, sat me down and starting taking off his pants.
“Uh, you needed help with your buttons?” I asked, nonplussed.
“No no,” he replied, “I can’t reach something.”
Oh God, what the hell am I going to have to do here?
Callum took off his underwear and lay face down on the bed.
Seriously, what the fuck did he want me to do?
“Can you see it?” Came a muffled voice from between the pillows.
I was afraid to even ask but eventually uttered “What am I supposed to be looking for?”
A wave of relief rushed over me.
Just a pimple? That was easy done! I’d popped many a back pimple in my time and was quite the expert at it.
That’s when I remembered he’d taken off his pants.
Fuck a duck, it was a butt pimple!
It was lucky Callum couldn’t see my face at that moment; the look of horror and disgust may have upset him just a little.
“C’mon, “ he urged “It’s really annoying me.”
I’ll bet it was, much like his request was annoying me. How did a romantic relationship dilute down to pimple popping duties? I took a deep breath, pictured myself on a sandy beach somewhere, anywhere (because let’s face it, anywhere had to better than where I was at that moment,) and went in for the kill.
But where was it? I scanned one hairy butt cheek, then the next, but found nothing. Well, nothing that looked like a pimple anyway.
Maybe it had gone down by itself like one of those phantom pimples? I closed my eyes and said a little prayer to the pimple powers and suggested this to Callum.
“No babe, it’s in between.”
Jesus motherfucking Christ!
I backed up so fast I fell off the bed and slammed into the cupboard behind me. He wanted me to go in between?
Into… the abyss?
I shook my head profusely until I felt like a malfunctional bobble head, but as usual, Callum managed to talk me into it.
The boy didn’t even have any gloves so I had to go in bareback.
I slowly parted his furry cheeks and searched for the bane of my existence. That goddamn pimple.
“It’s right in there.” Advised Callum.
Of course it was.
No point making this disgusting task simple and easy after all.
Finally I found the offending pus parcel and spread Callum’s cheeks wider to gain access.
And then the smell hit me.
Good God, he could have at least sanitised the area first!
I gagged silently, trying not to look as my fingers dug into my boyfriends disgusting ass crack.
Within moments I had the pimple in my grasp and none too gently I popped it. Callum let out a squeal and I grinned savagely.
Serves you right you dirty bastard.
After that particular episode the sex kind of died out of our relationship (surprise surprise.) But on Christmas Day we decided to have a crack at it (it’s what Jesus would want, right?)
It was fine, but I felt like something was missing. We’d lost something in the last month or two and although I didn’t know exactly what it was, I knew it wasn’t coming back.
After some Christmas cunnilingus, we got dressed and headed to his parent’s house for a festive lunch.
I felt supremely out of place and awkward, as I had only met his Mother once and the entire extended family was there. After the fifth aunty or uncle you just accept the fact that you’ll never remember any of them.
It was particularly awkward as they all seemed to know who I was and had even brought presents!
Imagine this situation, accepting a present from somebody you’ve never met and can’t for the life of you remember the name of. Then opening said present to discover some awful tea towel set or something similar before having to feign delight and thank said stranger profusely.
Not fun folks.
On the bright side though I got some bloody useful tea towels.
At one point during the festivities Callum’s Mum beckoned me over. She gave me a Christmas hug before whispering in my ear, “It’s ok.”
My mind raced with possibilities. What was ok? Had she seen me double dip my corn chip? Had she noticed me shoving tea towels under the couch cushions? Or was she letting me know it was in fact ok to perve on Callum’s slightly more attractive cousin?
I looked at her, confusion clearly stamped across my features. She sighed and took hold of my shoulders.
“If you leave him, I understand completely.”
Whoa! What? I opened my mouth to reply but Callum’s mother silenced me.
“ Things have been very unfortunate lately. You’ve been strong for him, but everybody has their limits. I just wanted you to know that it’s ok to leave.”
And with that she gave me another hug and moved away.
What the hell had just happened? I’d been given permission to dump her son? Did I look that unhappy? I walked to the bathroom to splash some water on my face and caught sight of my reflection.
Wow, I did look like shit.
I shook my head sternly to rid the conversation from my head and went back to the party, but it never fully left me after that, not during the rest of the night or the next few days that followed.
The exciting conclusion is only one weeks away Lovers! How does it end?
Pickup line of the week: Kissing burns 6.4 calories a minute… Wanna work out?