When the sex goes, so do I


Guten tag Lovers!

And how are we tonight? I’m feeling chipper for the first time in a while! I just landed a job scooping salads for the well-dressed gentry of the inner suburbs. Although this means I smell like a Caesar salad for the majority of the day, it also means I’m finally making some cash again! Count down to payday has begun! Until then however, I shall remain ensconced in my house, eating ham and cheese-toasted sandwiches for sustenance and blogging to keep my mind sharp.

Well… sharpish.

Let’s get Callum done and dusted shall we?

After his mother had given me explicit permission to give him the boot I mulled it over in my head for weeks. If she thought things were going bad then maybe I should just interpret her permission as a gentle nudge towards the door and get it over and done with.

But I just couldn’t leave a man when he was so down.

Luckily for me a week later Callum got a job.


By all accounts it wasn’t a great job, but at that point I would have been happy prostituting him out on the street corner to make a little dosh.

I reckon I’d be a super nice pimp, I’d even let him keep twenty per cent of the profits. Lucky boy!

His job involved late nights at a convenience store, which meant most of the time we had scheduled to ‘hang out’ involved me by myself at his house waiting for him to eventually come home.

Such a social butterfly I had become.

To my immense relief Gretchen was at the house less and less, as when she was home Callum seemed almost afraid of her. I couldn’t quite figure out what was going on and my innocent young mind never even suspected something nasty could be brewing.

I tried never to speak to her for fear that my simmering hatred would spill over and my fist would run into her face. Callum avoided her at all costs except when she owed him rent money (which was all the time.)

So that was the awkward uncoordinated dance we were performing, night after night with a few matinees when I got the afternoon off work. It was uncomfortable, insufferable and all round shithouse.

I never expected it to get dangerous.

We were heading into the third week of another rental cycle and as usual, not a cent had come in from Gretchen’s end. Callum was having a massive freak out as the real estate agents were none too happy with the constantly late rent and had threatened to evict him.

After some gentle cajoling I finally convinced Callum to grow some balls and ask her for the money directly. Lord knows I didn’t want him to get evicted, then he’d have to live with me!

No, no and once again no.

I waited in the bedroom and listened to their muffled conversation as best I could. It did not sound positive. When I saw Callum’s face as he came back I knew he had just been handed those balls I had cajoled so well straight back to him on a plate.

He told me that she didn’t have the money and she didn’t know when she would have it. She had apparently told him to stop hassling her or else.

I scoffed and rolled up my imaginary sleeves, ready to take the bitch down, but Callum stopped me a pulled me back onto the bed.

Why was he so afraid of her? My respect for him was dwindling fast. Just stand up to the bitch!

But there would be no standing up that night, or the night after that or in fact the entire week.

Finally it was crunch time. We had to get the rent money or it was curtains for Casa Callum.

I offered to give him a quick blowjob before he faced the music but he refused.

That’s when I knew something was definitely wrong.

Did she have something on him? Some weird crazy secret that nobody else knew about?

It had come to light that the bitch was a massive meth head, which of course just added to her likeability, which was about as much as I liked the stomach lint I’m constantly plagued with due to having an innie belly button.

So imagine I liked her even less than smelly belly button lint and we’re on the same page.

Once again I sat and listened to the muffled sounds coming from across the hallway. I could hear she was angry and in preparation I twisted the ring on my middle finger. If I had to slap the bitch at least it would leave a nice mark.

I was still caught up in my fight club idealisations when Callum returned.

“We’re getting it tomorrow night.” He said glumly.

“Well that’s good news right?” I asked

Callum looked at me for a beat before saying “We have to go and get it from her boyfriend in the city. She doesn’t have it.”

Well of course not babe, she’s a crack whore, I thought, but wisely kept that comment to myself.

I couldn’t understand why he was so bummed. Sure it was a pain in the ass having to go and get it but at least he was safe for another month right?

The next evening I rocked up to Callum’s and beeped the horn. He came out and hopped in the car, a look of impending doom stamped across his face.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, about to pull away from the curb.

“Wait, “ he said, grabbing my hand “Neil’s coming too.”


Neil was Callum’s dopey ass pothead friend who I had never really warmed to, as he liked to throw furniture in the communal pool whilst people were in it. I think he also had some serious mental issues, as the guy would lose his marbles over the smallest things. But Callum liked him because he brought over beer occasionally.

Honestly. Men.

So the three of us headed into the city, a strange feeling of tension radiating through the car.

Geez we were just going to pick up some cash, what was the big deal?

When we pulled up to the address I whistled through my teeth. It was one of the newest and fanciest apartment blocks in town.

Huh, looked like Gretchen was a bitch and a gold digger.

I slapped Callum on the leg and motioned inside.

“So, we going in?” I asked, eager to get this done so I could head home and devour the box of paddlepops I had stashed at Callum’s.

Callum nodded mutely and we hopped out of the car. Neil started to get out but Callum shook his head tersely.

“Just let me know if you need me in there man.” Neil said solemnly.

The fuck? What on earth was I walking into?

I grabbed Callum’s hand and headed inside. Why was he shaking?

We texted ‘the boyfriend’ and waited by the lifts nervously.

Finally the lift doors slid open and he stepped out.

The first thing I noticed were his shoes. Polished to a glossy sheen they clicked ever so slightly on the tiled floor of the foyer as he swaggered towards us. His tailored suit was impeccably clean and shimmered subtly from navy blue to black as the light bounced off it. His hair was as shiny as his shoes, slicked back behind his ears with what looked like half a tub of wax.

No, wait. Make that a full tub.

But what struck me the most was his cane.

Yes, the man had a cane!

It was a black walking cane with an intricately carved dragon head on top of it. It looked exactly like the canes Jet Li pulled swords out of in his movies.

No no, I chided myself. I was being ridiculous.

Wasn’t I?

As he finally came to a stop in front of us I noticed a small gold necklace poking out the top of his shirt.

On the necklace was a small golden scimitar…

Cane sword’s not sounding so crazy now, right?

He looked at Callum with a condescending sneer and immediately I felt my hackles rise like some angry attack dog.

Ok, attack rabbit maybe.

“You’ve been causing my girl some problems lately.” He drawled.

Callum gulped audibly and said “I’ve just come for the rent, I don’t want any trouble.”

“No,” the asshole said softly “you don’t.”

Urgh, my stomach did backflips as I tried to restrain myself from snapping at him. It wouldn’t do any good to interfere with Callum’s business. Still, if I could effectively utilise my stomach gymnastics I just may be able to lay a fart on the douchebag.

I watched as ‘the boyfriend’ pulled out a huge wad of fifty’s from his pocket. He counted them into Callum’s hand slowly, never taking his eyes off Callum as he did so. If the situation weren’t so serious I would have thought they were having a little moment; but no, things were far too tense for bromance.

When all the money was counted out ‘the boyfriend’ leant in close to Callum (again, I was thinking ‘boys boys! Get a room!’) and he said in a menacingly soft voice “Now it’s done ok? You don’t come back here, you don’t bother my girl again. If you do, there’ll be problems. Understand?”

Callum nodded mutely while I silently fumed next to him. How dare he speak to my man like that?

‘The boyfriend’ chucked Callum on the shoulder, stuffed the wad of cash back into his pocket and walked back to the elevator.

We walked back out to the car in silence. I was shocked but wasn’t sure why. I didn’t know who the guy was but he was obviously a powerful man. I felt unnerved, like I’d stepped into a world that wasn’t mine.

Neil hooted and shouted the whole way home, assuring Callum that if he had been there the guy would be on the floor in pieces.

Sure Neil, I thought, you can barely climb one flight of stairs but you can ‘fully lay that guy out flat.’


I parked the car and left Neil and Callum to work off their testosterone together. I needed time to process what the hell had just happened. I needed answers.

When Callum finally entered the bedroom and sat down next to me I couldn’t help but explode.

“Who the hell was that?” I screeched. ”Why were you so afraid of him? Why did you let him treat you like that? Don’t you have any pride?”

“Stop!” Callum yelled back, and I was shocked to see him so distressed. This was high emotion coming from the guy who didn’t even mist up in Titanic.

“He’s not just some guy.” Said Callum

“Who is he then?” I asked, this time a little more gently.

Callum sighed, ran his hand through his hair and said “He’s part of a gang. You know the Sword Boys?”

Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! The Sword Boys? They were like one of the biggest drug gangs in the city! No wonder Callum was afraid of the guy, they had a history of carrying out some pretty nasty stuff!

I sat for a moment, completely stunned. Finally I opened my mouth to say,

“Did you know he was part of a gang?”

Callum nodded.

“He’s been in contact with me before.” he said.

“When?” I asked.

Callum sighed and looked down.

“When?” I asked again, this time much firmer.

“He, well he’s bee threatening me for the last month or so.”


I asked him to explain and oh did the words flow then. Turns out as soon as Callum started asking Gretchen for money, bitch face ran straight to ‘the boyfriend.’ And if bitch face wasn’t happy, ‘the boyfriend’ wasn’t happy either.

“How was he threatening you?” I asked, dread seeping into my voice.

“He said he was going to come over and beat me up and stuff at night.”

“Well, good luck getting in,” I scoffed “he doesn’t have a key and the door is deadlocked.”

Then Callum looked me dead in the eye and I felt a shudder slip down my spine.

“He has a key?” I cried

Callum hung his head and nodded.

“How could you not tell me? I sleep over here every second night! I’m here alone all the time! What if something had happened?”
“That’s why I sleep on the side of the bed closest to the door!” he cried “To protect you!”

“Fat lot of good that’ll do when there’s crazy men traipsing through the house!”

“I’m sorry ok? I didn’t want to freak you out.”

“Well consider me freaked!” I roared.

I had never been so angry in my life. Sure he was in a shit situation but the fact that he dumped me in it right along with him? Shitty move bro.

We broke up two days later.

In the end my relationship with Callum taught me many things. Honesty is always the best policy; Mother knows best; drug lords are always assholes and their girlfriends are slutty whorebags; and when the sex dies, so you do a little, on the inside at least.

As I said previously though, Callum was not a bad guy, he was just going through a really crappy period. He eventually paid me back all the money he owed me and even gave me a ticket to the cinema that was expiring in a day, so that was nice.

And what happened to Callum? Well after extensive Facebook stalking I can confirm he is living happily with his new (annoyingly attractive) girlfriend in a new home devoid of drug whores.


Hope you enjoyed Lovers, I’m off to the shops for some more paddlepops 😉

Claire xx

Best bonking song: Sex and Candy

By: Marcy Playground

Best Used: Sex? Candy? Lounging in chairs? What’s not to like? This little piece is    perfect when it’s too bloody hot to do much but have slow lazy sex on any cold surface you can find. I recommend washing machines, fridges or bathroom tiles. Go get some!

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