Let’s dive straight in!
As we drove back to get Shopping27’s car I could feel a large knot starting to form in my stomach. What was I doing? This guy was a terrible kisser, had failed miserably at fingering and his personality was none too flash either.
So why the hell was I taking him home?
The truth is I just felt I had to Lovers. I’d gone to so much trouble setting everything up and I’d been looking forward to it for so long that to back out now just seemed like such a waste.
Boy would I have backed out quick if I had known what was to come.
By the time we reached his car he had committed yet another faux paux, completely forgetting my name and pretending that “Stephanie” was a cute new nickname for me.
Very thin ice asshole.
This was my chance to ditch him, slam my foot on the accelerator and burn off into the night.
But I didn’t.
Instead I shouted out my window “Ok, follow me!” and drove slowly away so he could keep up. I needn’t have bothered, as the douchebag not only tail-gated me the whole way home, revving his engine like some toothless yokel, but sped past me twice.
So when I turned off into my street, there was quite a significant part of me that hoped he didn’t see where I had headed.
Sadly though, when I pulled into my driveway his big dumb ass was right behind me.
We headed inside and I offered Shopping27 a beer. He accepted (big surprise) and I chose quite a fancy craft beer from my stash.
Shopping27 did not appreciate this, first asking if I had any VB and then glugging back my yummy craft beer with a wince and an enormous burp.
Sigh, what a waste.
He finished his beer after a long lament on its lack of flavour and general shittyness. By this time I was ready to do just about anything to shut him up.
I flung myself at him and aimed for his mouth. We locked lips in yet another awkward, saliva filled, dry lipped kiss.
After making our way to the bedroom, he flung me down on the bed and turned the lights off.
I smirked in the darkness. Looked like Mr Massive Cock had some body confidence issues. As it turns out he seriously did! He buried himself deep under the covers before he took a skerrick of clothing off.
This dude was seriously fucked up.
I frowned thoroughly throughout the process, but followed suit as we both disrobed.
Under the covers.
Never touching each other.
If this was his idea of foreplay it was going to be a bloody long night.
Finally we were both naked in the darkness. I blinked up at the ceiling as my eyes adjusted.
“So,” came Shopping27’s voice “are you good to go or do you want me to eat you out?”
Good god boy, could you have phrased it any worse? I may not be the most ladylike of girls but that’s just icky! A little decorum please! I swallowed hard to keep down the bile that was fast rising in my throat.
I declined his offer to chow downtown and instead let my hands wander over to his supposedly massive turkey baster.
What a disappointment.
It was fine I guess, but it was definitely not big, colossal, and positively gigantic as he had described it. It was just… average really, and not even on the large side of average.
By this point however I didn’t really care what he was packing, I just wanted to get it over with and see if I could extract any pleasure from this disastrous evening.
After a few well-timed strokes I had him ready to go. There was no chance I wanted to see him again so I made double sure I baby-proofed the boy.
“Got any condoms?” I asked, reluctant to use any of my dwindling stash.
He grunted what sounded like a yes and fumbled around on the floor for his pants. Finally I heard the crinkle of foil and he handed me the condom.
“Well?” he asked impatiently.
“Well what?” I asked.
“You have to put it on me.” He said brusquely “With your mouth.”
I laughed maniacally and told him there was no chance in hell I was doing that. Shopping27 was not pleased.
Luckily, Claire did not give a shit.
I ripped open the condom and was about to discard the packet when a flash caught my eye. I held up the packet so I could see it in the moonlight. What I saw pretty much killed my sex drive instantly.
The boy had brought along a glow in the dark roughrider!
My God, what was he, twelve?
I hadn’t seen one of those babies for years! It was practically vintage!
So, he either hadn’t had sex in a very very long time, or he actually chose this bloody thing. Honestly I would have been fine with either a glow in the dark or just a simple studded number, but both?
If you need that many bells and whistles you’re obviously compensating for something.
I rolled my eyes, took a deep breath and forced the stupidly elaborate franger onto his uninspiring wang.
Then it was go time!
Shopping27 decided he wanted to start on top (yet again, what a surprise.) While he re-arranged his condom (apparently I didn’t do it right, pfft) I quickly squirted some lube onto the bearded clam. If the condom was right and it was going to be a ‘rough ride’ I wanted to make sure it was at least a wet one. There’s nothing worse than going down a water slide before they’ve turned the tap on, am I right?
Once I was lubed up and he was sufficiently wrapped, he hovered over me and without a word… smashed his goddam cock right into my poor unassuming pink taco!
“Fuck! Fuck you you stupid fucker! I kill you! I kill and your little dog too!” I screamed.
In my head of course.
All that came out was a strangled grunt slash moan with a bit of a wheeze thrown in for good measure.
I couldn’t have spoken even if I wanted too, as he was heaving himself up and down onto me so hard it was a struggle just to breathe. I had no time to attempt to relax and enjoy it, I was too busy timing my breaths. Breathe in as he retracts and lines up for another insertion, and whoosh! Breathe out as he slams into you and flops his entire body weight onto your stomach.
What a ride.
When I finally could summon up enough extra air to speak, I suggested we switch positions. He agreed instantly, much to my relief.
I jumped on top of him and was about to lower myself onto his silly little shaft when wham! He jammed me down onto it!
Sweet baby Jesus on a popsicle stick!
What was he doing?! This was my time! But no, it wasn’t to be.
Shopping27 grabbed me by the hips in a vicelike grip and began bouncing me up and down like a baby on Grandpa’s knee (no intentional Freud references there). This baby however would have suffered some serious brain damage with the vigorousness of Shopping27’s bounce.
I was so used to being in charge on top, it was the one time the girl got to set the pace and the dude just lay there and took it. Not this time.
What new devilry was this?
I hung on to his meager chest hair for dear life as he jounced me up and down, side to side, all the while keeping a bone crushingly hard grip on my hips.
There was no escape.
Time for another switch.
This time it was the dreaded doggy. I don’t usually mind a bit of canine style action, but I have quite the small honey-pot, so when a guy has that much access, care must be taken.
You can see why I was reluctant with Shopping27, yes?
I propped myself up on all fours and was about to give the word when wham! Shopping27 ploughed on in prematurely. This time was particularly bothersome as I was way to close to the wall and my head went crashing into it. This didn’t bother Shopping27 though, oh no, not at all. He just kept pumping away, hard and fast as I tried to re-arrange my face so my cheek wasn’t in constant contact with the wall.
I was unsuccessful.
Picture this, a naked guy and girl on a bed in the darkness, the moonlight streaming in through the half open window. The guy is thrusting away like a trooper, enjoying every minute of pussy destroying pleasure. Sounds like a normal sex scene right?
Let’s take a closer look at the girl’s top half.
One-hand cups her boobs, attempting to stop their insane jiggling with the real fear that one may bounce up and slap her in the face, a fear she has never experienced until this moment. However, the other hand is occupied with the wall, desperately endeavouring to not only stay on this side of it and not get thrusted through by an indecorous penis poke, but also save her cheeks, nose and forehead from being slammed into the wall with every powerful insertion.
She was failing miserably.
Position change please!
We went back to missionary and my face was finally allowed a reprieve from the wall. I prepared to initiate my breathing routine but this time around that damned height difference I had brushed away so casually came back to bite me in the ass.
Just as I went to suck in a lungful of air Shopping27 thrust forward and suddenly I had a mouth full of nipple.
Gah! Hairy. Nipple. Cutting. Off. Air!!
I tried to slurp in air around it but the hair created a sort of barrier and I was stuck with a big old mouthful of nip hair minus the sweet taste of oxygen.
The worst part is that Shopping27 thought this was all part of my sexual repertoire. He started moaning
“Oh yeah, you like that? Yeah, suck it. Suck it hard.”
Dear Lord, kill me now.
After mulling over how my family would react to death by nipple suffocation I decided against going out that way and chomped down on his man boob with a satisfying crunch.
Even more satisfying was his following yelp of pain.
Hehe, yeah suck on that fuckwit.
“Oops,” I cooed sweetly “Was that a bit too hard?”
I assume from the string of swear words that the answer was in the affirmative.
Are we all having fun yet Lovers! The big conclusion comes next! Spoiler Alert: There was no such coming for me.
Pickup line of the week: Is my vagina crying? Or are you just sexy?