Tickle Me Tinder

Ahoy Lovers!

And a thousand apologies for the lateness of this fresh new blog! Sadly I’ve been balls deep in uni work for the last two weeks. But hurrah, now I’m free!

For one and a half weeks.

So lets make the most of our precious time together Lovers!

I know I promised to finish up Jack the Strangler in this post but I wanted to let you in on a little experiment I’m conducting over my uni holidays!

So, I’m having very little luck with dating these days and I haven’t had sex fairies haven’t gifted me with their sultry presence since March!

Dire circumstances indeed.

So I decided to change it up. I literally have nothing to lose; my virginity’s long gone and my dignity followed pretty soon after, so I’m free to run amok as I please!

I’m sure you’ve all heard single friends or colleagues lament “Why can’t people like me for my personality? Why does it have to be all about looks?” Or something of that nature.

Well, this experiment is all about personality!

The terms are these; every day I blindly swipe right to twenty or more lucky fellows on Tinder. If we match, it’s up to them to make contact. If they do, I have to reply (in a timely fashion as well, I can’t wait until I’m drunk off my tits to fumble out some crappy message.)

However, if they don’t make contact within three days, into the delete basket they go.

Quick game’s a good game people!

Once the bold boys have made contact, they have five days to ask me out. If they do in fact grow a pair and ask me out I must accept.

I have to go to the chosen location (somewhere very public of course, I would like to live through this particular experiment) and only once I’m there can I look at their picture and discover who I’m meeting!

I have a one drink minimum (has to be beer or wine, no cheeky five second shots) and no matter what my date may look like, I have to give every date a real crack. This doesn’t mean they’ll be exploring my cave of wonders ten minutes in, but it does mean I’ll be looking deeper than appearances and just trying to find really nice dudes.

Of course every man who makes contact with me won’t make it through to the date stage.

No no, there are far too many men out there whose conversation skills let them down miserably.

If said gentlemen do not adhere to polite conversation and jump straight into talk of inches and pearl necklaces, they will be out of the game and instantly deleted.

I only started the experiment yesterday and I’ve had to delete three already. One potential suitor messaged me at 3am asking if I was still awake and up for it.


If there’s one thing I like better than sex it’s sleep.

As it turns out his profile picture was just his bottom half in crappy grey jocks, so no loss there.

The next suitor to strike out was a lovely Indian fellow, who I’m sure had great intentions. However, starting a conversation with “I is looking for marry” is not really the way to a girls heart.

Maybe try a little conversational foreplay before jumping into the heavy stuff big guy.

The third unlucky in love Lothario was just plain icky. Not to mention abrupt!


Him: Where do you live?

Me: Uh, hello. I’m in Prahran, you?

Him: Oakleigh. What time are you free?

Me: I’m pretty busy all today actually. What did you have in mind?

Him: Oh I can think of a few things hehe. I’ll come over now. Give me your address.


22 Get-Fucked Road. Corner of Bugger Off Way and Pushy Bastard Place, that’s where.

Honestly people, let’s bring back just a touch of romance, could we?

There are some boys who make it through my rigorous experiment though. I have a date booked in on Monday night. I have no idea how it’s going to go but hey, we only live once right?

I’ll keep you updated on my progress Lovers, wish me luck!

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week:Boy if you were a vegetable you’d be a cutecumber!


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