Wassup my Lovely Lovertons?
Ok Lovers, you’ll have to forgive me. Three days into the experiment I cheated.
I never knew it would be so hard!
I’m currently having conversations with sixteen men and good god it’s exhausting!
Small talk gets mighty tiring mighty fast, I can tell you that now. Just keeping up at times such dull conversation makes me want to smack my head into a wall (or a doughnut, whichevers closer.)
Plus my brilliant plan to not looking at profile pictures is being foiled by Tinder’s incessant need to flash my sixteen men before my eyes at every possible juncture. Also, to make matters even more difficult I foolishly decided to incorporate my Plenty of Fish men into the experiment. Anyone who messages me now gets a reply, and man are they talkative little squirrels!
I’m now the ultimate internet dating multi-tasker, one minute chatting to Johnny from Tinder before supplying some witty repartee to my conversation with Mike through POF before flicking a few emoji’s and lol’s over to Ashish back on Tinder.
God help me if I decide to add my Bumble account to this calamity!
So, you’re probably wondering how and why I cheated, aren’t you Lovers? Well, for starters, this experiment is fatally flawed. As I mentioned earlier, the main problem is I can still see who I’m talking to. It’s not as if I flick through their profile pictures or even click on their photos at all, but they still show up next to every message they send.
Goddamit Tinder, you’re standing in the way of science!
Hence how I committed my first offence.
His name was Dlrious (so he already sounded like a douche bag before we even started chatting.) He owned his own business but wouldn’t disclose what exactly he did; only saying, “business is good.”
Then after two more messages he said he wanted to take me out and buy me drinks.
Again with the dodginess. The way he worded it basically sounded like he was going to sit there watching me get drunk until he could find just the right moment to slip something into my cocktail.
Something that rhymes with bloblipnol.
Yes I know Lovers, very judgey judge, but I just had a really icky feeling towards this guy. And you should always trust your instincts.
Dlrious’ profile picture did nothing to waylay my fears. He was an Indian dude with gangster looking sunglasses that shielded much of his face.
I never trust guys wearing sunglasses in their profile pictures. Eyes are like the nipples of the face in my opinion. If you’re going to whip the bra off I want to see everything, none of this side boob nonsense or fancy nipple tassels.
Show me the boob and nothing but the boob!
The same thing goes with faces. No one ever exclaims, “oh what a beautiful set of nostrils! So large yet clean! And just look how they flare!”
No no, the eyes are where it’s at.
Completing his Indian gangster look (does India have gangsters? Surely), his beard was trimmed in that geometric “I spend seventy dollars at the barbers every week” way, perfectly trimmed into submission.
There was nothing for it, I had to delete him.
I felt awful, but in the end it was a toss up between what was polite and whether I dedicated an entire night of my precious uni holidays to entertaining this dude.
Gah, what to do?
I have a date tomorrow night and the night after that, which should be… interesting.
I’ll let you know how they go!
Best Bonking Song: If You Like Pina Coladas
By: Jimmy Buffet
Best Used: Get some excitement back and play the stranger game!
“Oh you like pina coladas? Why, I do too! Quick take my shirt off! You like getting caught in the rain? Dear God take me now you sexy mansicle before I lick you into submission!