Where have all the good men gone?

Hidey Ho Lovers!

The key word there my friends, is hoe. I have been the complete opposite for the past several months and it is legitimately killing me! Not to mention my honey pot, which is starting to get that film around it that the tomato sauce bottle gets after you haven’t used it in a while.

Gah, what a situation!

Luckily Lovers, I pulled on my big girl pants and went hammer and tongs at every dating website I could find. And after days and days and goddam days I finally found myself a bloke who was attractive, could string a sentence together and didn’t set my creepometer senses off the charts.

His name is Steve Lovers, and boy have I slutted it up with old Stevo! I haven’t even met the guy yet and he’s seen me completely naked! We’re talking X-rated stuff here peeps, like almost every hole!

I’m normally very against sending naked pics before meeting a guy. What if I get myself all turned on and then I meet him and he’s a total freak? It’s happened before sadly, and trying to talk yourself out of that one can be hard!

“So, you want to come back to my place?”

“Uh, no sorry, I’ve got… stuff I need to… things that need my attention.”

“What? I’ve seen you naked, you’ve seen me naked, whats not to like here?”

It’s very difficult to tell a person they have a godawful personality and not hurt their feelings. I had to fall back on the centuries old, always trustworthy,

” Sorry mate, it’s that time of the month. I’m surfing the crimson wave and this board wasn’t made for two.”

That being said, when in a relationship I have gladly had sex whilst Aunt Flo was in the vicinity. It’s so much fun to pretend you’re a virgin again! Ooh be gentle with me sir, I’m a delicate flower!

Good times.

Anyways, shark week aside, I am just going crazy with Steve! I have literally seen his penis more times than I can count!

It’s great.

(Omg, as I was typing this, Steve video called and gave me a wonderful one man performance! Great to watch but now I want sex and there’s no one home but the cat and my gay house mate, neither of which are keen to satisfy my needs. Selfish bastards.)

The thing is, I tried to play it straight with Steve, pretending I was just some normal chick who studied during the day and worked at a random chicken shop at night.

But no, he totally called me on it (I think I overdid it by telling him not to send dic pics about seven times.) He basically told me not to be such a prude. If he did indeed send a dic pic and I was uncomfortable with it, I could just delete him. This was true, but I found myself liking Steve more and more with each conversation and I didn’t want to ruin it with an ill-timed penis.

Still, I decided to throw caution to the wind and tell him about the real me. A girl with sex on the brain 24/7 with the sex drive to match.

And once I started, oh God I couldn’t stop Lovers!

I let my saucy side take the reins and before I knew it I was blatantly asking for dic pics, agreeing whole heartedly to receive cum shot videos and sending my own saucy snaps back.

I must say,being sexy is so much harder in winter, so many layers to take off! And once those layers have been peeled off, the goosebumps swarming all over your skin tend to mar the smooth complexion you once had. Although, handily enough the cold makes your nipples so hard you could split rocks with them. Guys see hard nipples and they see a turned on girl!

Luckily I was already turned on, so the cold was just an extra nipple nudge.

I’ve arranged to meet up with him on Thursday (hopefully anyways, he’s kind of hard to pin down) and I can’t wait!

I’m finally going to have sex Lovers!

(Applause)

Anyways I’m going to go and attempt a creative shave of my pubes (star, lightning bolt or love heart? Oh the choices!) But stay tuned to hear all about what will hopefully be a fantastic fuck! (Or three.)

Squee!

Claire xx

Instead of the usual pickup line of bonking song,I thought I’d let you in on what I’m doing this Saturday Lovers. I’m going to an open house dungeon! So excited! It’s basically an event where regular peeps get shown around all the awesome different rooms of said dungeon. I’m so looking forward to seeing the medical room! Don’t worry Lovers, I’ll take many notes and report back to you ASAP!

 

 

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One comment

  1. A. · June 14, 2016

    Ahahah! I like you!

    Like

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