Just thought I’d check in and reassure you all that I am still alive. Still alive, and still celibate.
Seriously, the most action I’ve had lately was a particularly slippery pap smear.
So due to my complete lack of sex, dates or even sidelong pervy glances, today’s post will probably be a short one. Much like my patience for men who don’t put out.
Don’t hate, fornicate! That’s my motto boys.
A faint glimmer of hope has arisen though Lovers. I have a blind date coming up!
Yay! (The crowd goes wild.)
But the date has conditions.
(The crowd lapses into disappointed silence, a faint ‘boo!’ issuing forth from the back of the arena.)
The friend who set up this date has appointed herself my new dating guru (bless her cotton socks) and let’s just say her dating style is a little… different from mine. A good date for me usually ends up with a blow job or a home run. Woo hoo! A good date for her could easily end with just a kiss on the cheek! Such control, such poise.
I really don’t see me changing my ways any time soon.
However, for this date I have promised to abide by her rules. (Why, why do I agree to these things?) That means no kissing, no sex, no talk about sex, no inappropriate comments and not too much information. I must be mysterious, aloof and above all, virginal.
What the hell are we going to talk about?
He suggested dinner. I quickly whittled that down to drinks. If there was no chemistry or things got awkward at least I could escape drinks easily. If I’m stuck at a restaurant table waiting for my chicken chow mein things are bound to go pear shaped.
So how will it go? Will I crash and burn in the first half hour and discover a detailed history of his sex life, favourite positions, anal preferences and fetishes? Or will I be the ultimate lady, flourishing my neatly turned out ankles for his eyes to feast on whilst engaging in polite conversation about work, day to day life and flower arranging?
I think I know which is more likely…
But you never know Lovers, you never know!
Until then, stay saucy my sexy minxes.
Pickup Line of the week: Damn girl, if you were a fruit, you’d be a FINEapple!