Kinky Deja Vu – Part Two

Aloha Lovers!

I totally forgot to explain about the oysters last time didn’t I? Well let’s wrap Stan up nice and quick because I have so much more to tell you Lovers!

Ok so where did we leave off last time? Ah, that’s right, I’d given Stan an unappreciated blow job (some of my best work I might add, the dude popped like a champagne cork) and we had parted ways on the day of Kinkfest 2015.

Fast forward to exactly a year later.

I was sitting in class at uni, pretending to listen and swiping through Tinder to ease my boredom, when suddenly my screen flashed those super exciting words:

You have been Super Liked!

Damn right I have, I thought smugly, congratulating myself for taking down my previous profile picture of an attempt to fit an entire cheeseburger in my mouth.

 

Sure, guys want you to deep throat them but when it’s any other type of meat in your mouth suddenly its not “sexy.”

What a bunch of hypocrites.

So anyway, I excitedly swiped until I finally reached my super fan.

Surprise surprise, it was Stan!

I was genuinely shocked at first. We hadn’t spoken since that date a year ago, apart from the odd drunken rambling text from him late at night.

I usually didn’t reply as most of the time they culminated in Stan sending many crying emoji’s and asking me to pop round to share some drugs.

Ooh, so tempting.

So it was with a fair amount of surprise and curiosity that I swiped yes.

Maybe he was over all his emotional stuff? Maybe he wanted to try dating me again? Oh my god what if he wanted to have sex?

Yes!

It was coming up to seven months on my involuntary chastity, so the idea of a date with no annoying small talk and just straight up sex sounded ideal!

We tapped out a few hello messages to each other, and he sounded much better than he did a year ago. He even said I had met him at possibly ‘the worst time in his life.”

Sweet, so things could only get better right?

Yeah, not so much.

After all the ‘hi how’s life’ chat was out of the way, I jumped straight in the deep end and invited him to Kinkfest. What better way to warm him up for some hot sex than a hall full of toys, leather and titties?

Talk about foreplay!

His answer was not what I expected.

Apparently Stan ‘wasn’t so great around crowds anymore.’

Keh?

One year later and he’s suddenly become agoraphobic? How did that happen?

I didn’t want to pry so I didn’t ask, even though the curiosity was killing me. Instead I invited him for drinks after Kinkfest. He was a bit of an alcoholic last time I’d met him so I was pretty sure a few people weren’t going to scare him off from a nice scotch.

I was right.

We agreed to meet up on the main drag around five and have a few drinks.

And then I’ll have my wicked way with you, I thought devilishly.

The night before our catch up Stan texted me and we had a nice little chat. That chat turned sour when I found out that he was only staying for one or two drinks before buggering off to a beach house for the weekend.

How was I supposed to screw him into submission if he wasn’t mine for the night?

I felt jipped, cheated, completely deflated that my afternoon delight had suddenly turned from kinky passion to a few warm beers and a chat.

Was I destined to be a sexless spinster for the rest of my life?

I decided to drop the coy act and talk straight. I told Stan in no uncertain terms that I was disappointed we would not have longer to spend together as I was hoping to get to know him better.

In the ‘biblical sense.’

Stan liked this sudden frank approach.

He wanted me to come over that night, but I told him repeatedly I had work until 9pm. As he lived in the middle bumfuck nowhere, it would take me hours to get there by public transport.

This did not please Stan, (did I mention he’s a bossy control freak?)

I floated the idea of him coming to me as he actually had a car and/or the money for a taxi.

But no, Stan was not leaving his house apparently. Too much effort. He couldn’t possibly travel after the week he had had. He was so tired that he would probably be in bed by 8pm.

So sorry princess.

I sighed in frustration and ended the conversation with a quick ‘looking forward to tomorrow!’

I was not looking forward to tomorrow.

No sex, no fun and apparently Stan was excited to tell me all about his crazy ex-girlfriend.

Yay, what a rocking Saturday.

The next morning I bounced out of bed bright and early. Today was the day! The highlight of the kinky calendar! I could barely contain my excitement as I sat on the tram, eager to reach my destination. Finally though, I arrived.

Squee!

I charged up the stairs and inside the building, eyes wide, taking in every leather clad, spandex wearing, nipple exposing individual as I did.

Oh yes, I was back with my people.

The event was much the same as last year, with a few small changes. Even the location of the stalls was almost identical.

I was slightly disappointed, as I’d hoped to discover some new treats, but as I looked closer, I realised there was quite a lot I had missed last year!

So the first thing I’ll say Lovers, is that puppy play is out and pussies are in. That’s right, cats seemed to be the star of this years festival, from the stalls dedicated to kitten costumes to the bountiful amount of patrons leading their ‘cat’s’ around on leashes. I got into the spirit of things and bought some metal claws you pop on the end of your fingers and scratch down someone’s back.

Can’t wait to try those out.

I checked out a candle stall selling safe sex candles (at first I thought they were selling wax condoms or something. Luckily I was wrong.) They were simply candles that burnt at a lower temperature so there was less chance of getting burnt.

Pfft, where’s the fun in that?

I did buy my first paddle from that stall though, a handy little wooden number that set me back five bucks.

I oohed and aahed at some awesome fantasy wear, especially the metal bra and panty sets moulded into coloured scales so you looked like some sort of mermaid or exotic fish creature.

Then I found my favourite stall of the day. It was just a regular sex stall selling a variety of dildos and other play equipment, but they also had something amazing… A lucky dip!

I’ve always been a sucker for lucky dips, and the thought of a surprise sexual toy excited me so much that I bought three straight away.

And my what a great idea it was!

For five dollars a pop I got a vibrating cock ring, geisha balls and a tickler vibrator. All really good quality stuff and after a quick Google I discovered they all would have set me back over twenty dollars each!

Safe to say I was one happy cookie.

So when a lady approached me trying to sell ‘love potion’ I was in such a good mood that I decided to humour her and buy a taster.

I figured if I was high on some love potion I might be able to persuade Stan to drop trough and have a quickie in the toilets or something.

I paid my five dollars and cheersed the lady before downing the shot.

Good god, it tasted like ass!

Awful, herby, medicine like ass!

The lady was watching me expectantly, and asked, “So, what do you think?”

I forced my lips into a smile and managed to unclench my jaw enough to say, “Mmm, s’good!”

And then I ran.

Thank god I had a Mars Bar handy to relieve my poor taste buds. It was as if I’d just rimmed a hippie doused in patchouli.

Nasty.

Apparently I was supposed to feel light, breezy and loved up. But all I felt was queasy.

I decided now was the time to text Stan and ask what bar we would meet at. After such a nice day I was actually looking forward to sitting in the sunshine and downing a few beers. Even if it didn’t end with sex.

Maybe this love stuff was working.

And then Stan ruined everything.

My phone beeped at me and I got a whingey little text from Stan.

“I only just woke up (sad emoji) I’ve got food poisoning (gun to head emoji) I can’t make it today.”

Keh? How did he have food poisoning? I thought he was in bed by eight? I put this question to him and was not impressed with his answer.

“I went out to dinner with friends. We had bad oysters… It’s true, the restaurant refunded our meal and gave us free drinks and everything.”

My jaw was all clenched up again and this time it had nothing to do with that damn potion.

I sighed sadly and texted him back, telling him it was ok and that we’d catch up another time.

What I wasn’t expecting was for him to fire back with, “I’m not lying Claire! (Angry emoji face) I had to go to the doctor and get two packets of this medication last night! (picture of some anti-vom medication.)

Wha…?

Ok this dude had issues! I had to send two more messages telling him I believed him and it was all fine before he stopped with all the crazy angry texts.

Then he refused to speak to me for the rest of the day.

It’s safe to say we have not caught up since.

Thinking about it now it’s probably best we didn’t meet up after all…

Bullet dodged? I’d have to say that’s affirmative.

So that’s the anti-climax that was Stan Lovers, but boy have I got a story for you next week! I shall call him Noodle Man, and I shall regale you of his exploits in great detail as soon as possible!

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: Is your name Wi-Fi? Cause I’m feeling a connection!

P.S Don’t forget to vote for How Many Frogs in Kinkly’s Blogging Superheroes competition, there’s only a few days left! Just visit the website and search for your favourite blog.  (Obviously it’s this one but I don’t mind if you throw in a few cheeky votes for other blogs too 😉

Thanks Lovers!

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