Not tonight Honey, I’ve pulled my ass!

Yes you read that correct Lovers, the other night I actually managed to pull my ass cheek.

But how is this achieved Claire? I hear you ask with wonder and awe. Well the truth is Lovers, I have no bloody idea!

I was hanging out with a dude I’d kind of being seeing for a few weeks (details about him coming in the next few posts I promise) when I had the sudden urge to pee. Nothing amiss there, I have the bladder of a seventy year old pregnant woman after all. So off I toddled to the porcelain throne, thinking nothing was amiss… until I sat down.

You know the twang a guitar string makes when it snaps Lovers? Yeah that’s the feeling I experienced as I dropped my daks and sat down.

Ooh sweet Lordy lord that smarts!

I finished peeing and gave my affronted butt cheek a good rub, assuming I had just sat down weirdly and all would be fine. But no, the pain did not leave my poor posterior. Oh dear, I was going to have to do something quite unheard of in the dating game; ask for help!

I flushed with dread in my heart and discomfort in my derriere.

Peeking around the lounge room door I spotted my date sitting on the couch, totally unawares of what was about to be asked of him. I took a deep breath and sauntered into the room, trying to look casual and not limp at the same time.

“So…” I started nervously “This is going to sound kind of odd, but I need to ask you a favour.”

He looked at me quizzically for a moment before nodding. There was nothing for it, I just had to come out with it.

“Can you massage my left ass cheek?” I blurted out, shame apparent in every syllable.

Gah the humiliation of it all!

Luckily my date just laughed and agreed. Thank god really, as my tush was really starting to twitch.

I hopped gingerly onto the couch and backed my ass up into his face, lifting my skirt as I did so. This was so not the action I was expecting tonight.

I flinched and squirmed as my date probed my rump (yes probed, I went there!) uttering advice like ” a little to the left, up a bit, further, further, ooh yeah that’s the spot.”

As saucy as it sounds Lovers, I do not recommend working this method into your foreplay. So ouchy!

In the end my date refused to massage me for more than a few minutes as he said I’d probably be better off icing it due to the fact it was soft tissue or whatever. He’s a sporty dude so I assume he knows what he’s talking about, I just didn’t want to tell him I’d taken all my ice trays out of the freezer so I could fit more party pies in…

I contemplated rubbing some deep heat on there, but my date assured me this would just numb the pain not fix it. Pfft, numbing sounded pretty bloody good right at that moment. However, the thought of accidentally misplacing my hand and getting deep heat on my putty tat was enough for me to dismiss the idea.

So we headed to bed with sex on the brain and soreness on the butt. Needless to say, sex was not had that night, nor the next morning.

Damn my ass to hell!

Anyways must dash Lovers, just thought I’d fill you in on that juicy tidbit before I carried on with the sex party antics. More on that night next time!

Claire xx

P.S the ass has recovered fully and is perfectly spankable once more. Huzzah!

Pickup line of the week (butt related of course): If I were a squirrel and you were a tree, I’d store my nuts in your hole.