Well now, that title sounds like quite the fun filled romp, doesn’t it Lovers?
But alas and alack my Lovelies, ‘twas not. ‘Twas very much not!
I suppose it all centres around the quite disturbing trend I’m discovering amongst my gentlemen callers of late.
We meet on Tinder (of course) and said gentlemen appear normal, attractive and able to string a sentence together.
The date is arranged and they arrive, all puffed up and full of confidence, strutting around like tipsy peacocks, occasionally flashing me the odd fancy feather (although lately all the flashing has usually taken place days beforehand on Snapchat.)
Up to this point everything is trucking along fine, or if not fine, at least manageable.
It’s when I take them home that the problems start.
Take Ryan for instance; yummy yummy Ryan. We went on a date over a year ago and it went well. Unfortunately, Ryan lived on a farm in the middle of nowhere and was a class A workaholic. As hard as we texted there was no way of keeping anything alive and the date was soon forgotten.
So you can imagine my surprise when out of nowhere Ryan texts me to say he was in town and he’d like to catch up.
Sexy farmer for one? Yes please!
I hastily agreed and asked what he had in mind activity wise.
What I hadn’t expected from my quaint country boy was the phrase “let’s get kinky!”
I won’t lie Lovers, I was genuinely disappointed with his answer. A huge part of me thought that maybe our connection, the tiny spark between us (a spark I may have very well dreamed into existence,) was what had spurred him into texting me for a genuine date.
You know, dinner, beers and sex. It’s the perfect combo!
But sadly he was just interested in sex, and kinky sex at that. He knew of my passion surrounding all things sex so I suppose he thought there was no need for flirty repartee or any semblance of subtlety.
Oh well, I thought with a sigh, kinky sex with farm boy had to be better than my regular Tuesday afternoon.
Nope. Wrong again.
Ryan arrived at my place around one in the afternoon. As I went to buzz him up I thought I heard him talking to someone through the speaker.
Good God had he brought a playmate with him or something?
I waited tentatively by my door as he climbed the stairs to my apartment.
And that’s when I heard it.
Holy fudge-monkeys! He’d brought a dog! If there’s anything I love more than farm boys its farm dogs.
I watched with glee as a gorgeous little jack russell bounded up the stairs behind Ryan.
Screw kinky sex, I could happily sit and play with the dog for hours!
After getting over my shock and excitement, I greeted Ryan and ushered him inside. Then, much to Ryan’s dismay, I greeted the dog with much more enthusiasm.
Hey if you don’t want to be overshadowed don’t bring an adorable ball of fluff with you dude.
Eventually, after much patting and belly scratching, I tore myself away from the dog and finally gave Ryan some attention.
We sat on the couch and chatted amiably for about an hour. I was really enjoying getting to know him and sex was the farthest thing from my mind. So when Ryan piped up and asked if I had nipple clamps it was quite the unexpected segue.
However, I did in fact have nipple clamps, (an essential for any girls top drawer don’t you think ladies?) and proceeded to fetch them for him. By the time I came back into the lounge room he was shirtless and ready to be clamped.
Tasty, very tasty.
He had just a smattering of dark chest hair that trailed down to his belly button before disappearing beneath his belt. Oh yes, I could definitely work some magic here, that was for sure.
After jokingly playing around with the clamps for a few minutes, Ryan suddenly grabbed me and said huskily “let’s go to the bedroom.”
Again with the subtlety.
We headed to my room and made out standing in front of my bed. Ryan could kiss, that was for sure, and that was usually a sure fire sign of bedroom prowess.
I felt a tingle of excitement issue forth from my panty hamster as she prepared for a good time.
Then Ryan said something that was enough to send said hamster scurrying back from whence she came.
“Let’s get nakey.”
Dude what are you, twelve? I shuddered as I contemplated an afternoon of baby talk. Was he going to call me Mummy and try to suck on my titty witties?
Kill me now.
Thankfully, after my less that positive reaction to the phrase, Ryan quickly reassured me that he just said it because he was nervous.
I decided to believe him and so we did indeed ‘get nakey.’
Ryan was blessed with a Goldilocks penis (not too big, not too small, but just right) so I immediately initiated some A grade fellatio. He was loving it, sure, but things weren’t… as firm as they could be.
I massaged his balls, stuck them in my mouth and sucked seductively, switched between balls and wang and a whole other myriad of techniques, but nothing was really working.
I needed some help.
Enter vibrator number one.
I whipped out my small purple vibrator I had picked up in a show bag at Sexpo. The thing only had one speed and was fairly weak, but I thought it might have been enough to get Ryan up to scratch.
After a few moments with small purple I realised I needed more power, more speed.
Out came medium pink, my slightly more expensive and always dependable vibrator. Old faithful was usually good in situations such as these, so with the combination of pink and purple, there was no way I could lose.
But still no movement!
I asked Ryan if he was ok, was I overstimulating him? Did he like what I was doing?
He loved it all apparently, but sadly wanted more!
By this stage I was seriously running out of hands, not to mention the strain on my wrists trying to coordinate everything concurrently.
I delved deep into my drawer and found one of my silicone vibrating cock rings. I looked at it for a moment and shrugged. Couldn’t hurt to throw another vibrator in there could it?
After fastening the cock ring around Ryan’s semi flaccid penis, I went hard with my hands and vibrators. Good god, it was like trying to play three instruments all at once!
I was about to give up when Ryan piped up.
“Got any butt plugs?”
Ah, he was a butt guy, maybe that’s why we weren’t achieving lift-off.
I wasn’t super pleased with this turn of events. I knew he’d been out running errands all day, so it would be safe to assume that the area was not going to be particularly fresh.
But I’d come this far (pun intended) so I may as well give it a crack…
I dug out a fairly intricate looking red butt plug and proceeded to probe the area.
But guys have so much hair down there I couldn’t find the bloody hole! I didn’t just want to jam it in and hope for the best, as this particular plug was quite knobbly and could be quite painful if not eased in nicely.
Eventually I found what I assumed to be an entry point, (certainly smelled like one anyways) and stuck just the tip of the plug in. Then it was on for young and old Lovers. For a solid ten minutes I did the work of three women! Hands here, mouth over there, rub this vibrator on that, clutch the balls now, butt plug in and out, in and out.
It was exhausting!
But finally we had success! The beef bayonet was standing to attention proud and tall, ready to lay waste to any beaver misfortunate enough to get in its way.
There was only one problem.
I’d spent over an hour attempting to jump-start his cucumber, but he hadn’t even touched my honeypot.
Time for some payback!
I lay on the bed and relaxed as the tongue that had showed such great prowess in my mouth now displayed its other talents betwixt my thighs.
It only took two minutes and I was good to go. I grabbed Ryan by the hair and dragged him up to meet me.
It was go time.
But we must always remember Lovers, that life is cruel and God needs a good laugh from time to time. Yes, in the two minutes spent on someone other than himself, Ryan had completely lost his boner.
Are you fucking kidding me?!
Ropable Lovers, I was absolutely ropable!
All that work for nothing? You’ve got to be shitting me.
The worst part is, after the wind left his sails, Ryan decided that that was the perfect time for him to head back to the farm.
So with a kiss on the cheek and a ‘thanks, I had fun,’ Ryan left me, naked and unsatisfied on a Tuesday afternoon.
Not happy Jan!
Pickup line of the week: Do you like my pearl earrings? I’m looking for the necklace to match.