The Joys of Muffin Buffin’


Just wow Lovers.

Huge. This is huge.

I just had my first orgasm in a YEAR!

That’s right Lovers, until about thirty seconds ago I had been completely buzz free. And do you want to know the best part? I did it all by myself!

Yep, I sit here typing, giddy with the afterglow I missed so dearly, the smell of freshly managed minge still fresh on my fingertips. (See this is why I never let anyone ever borrow my computer!)

I just had to tell you straight away Lovers. After all, you’ve been such faithful followers of my sexual journey! I didn’t even plan on paddling the pink canoe today. It was just a sublime coincidence of some spare time, a smutty book, tunes that reminded me of an amazing past fuck and an upcoming date on Friday.

Ah it still feels amazing! After it happened and I got over my shock I just lay in bed laughing uncontrollably. I’m so happy!

You see Lovers, for the past five or so years I’ve been on some pretty strong anti-depressants. After a breakup that left me teetering on the edge I just had to get some help. However, the doctors never told me about a certain side effect of these so called happy pills.

No. More. Orgasms.

How wrong is that? Orgasms are the one thing that can brighten up a cloudy day no matter what! Why do you think toilets have doors? Oh sure its got a little to do with the whole ‘modesty’ thing, but mostly it’s so anyone and everyone can be free to have a little fiddle judgement free!

Public toilets are not there for the reason you think people.

Next time you see someone emerging from a cubicle smiling ear to ear it’s not because the prune juice just kicked in, no no, it’s because they have just treated themselves to a little taste of what the good lord bestowed betwixt their legs.

I mean really, why would he give us girls such dexterous digits if he didn’t want us to use them?

Anyways, anti-depressants apparently act like the drugs on those dodgy late night ads for premature ejaculation. You know the one’s. There’s the disgruntled couple sitting in bed and then a miraculous voice-over pipes up with, “can’t get it up?” Or, “want to please your lady right?” Yeah, those one’s. Well, my happy pills effectively make me the dream date (if I was a dude.) That’s right, I can go longer, harder and faster. But who cares about that crap when you’re just a girl who wants to get her rocks off?

Don’t get me wrong, sex without orgasm can be and is still amazing, but a whole year with no finale?

Get fucked.

So for anyone out there who is experiencing the same issues as me, I can proudly say, when you get off the happy pills, the orgasms return! I always secretly feared that I’d lost them for good, but happy days, the queen has returned to her castle!

Anyways, I better go stretch, my  legs are killing me from all that delicious quivering and tensing.

Squee! Never give up hope Lovers!



P.S I’ll fill you in on Friday’s date asap. I fully intend to have my way with him, so fingers crossed he’s a willing participant or I’ll have to bring out my new (lockable) set of handcuffs!

P.P.S The songs that just happened to assist in rocks being got off was Gypsy and the Cat. Just in case you need a little inspiration for your own session.


Flouting the Flange

Hello Lovers,

Yes today it’s just a hello. No olah’s, no hidey ho’s, no aloha’s, just a plain old vanilla hello.

Why? Well that’s just been my week Lovers.

Not a single Tinder match, message or skerrick of male attention.

Come to think of it not much female attention either. Although I did catch quite the saucy side-long glance from a delightful little minx on the tram home last night, so there was that.

Now I’m quite happy in my own company Lovers, very happy in fact.

But a girl has needs.

And this girl needs herself a good hard wang.

Preferably attached to a mildly attractive, sweet talking piece of man candy, sure, but not strictly necessary.

I mean really, here in Oz we’re just coming into the ultimate season of sex! It’s winter people, let’s snuggle!

Sweaty summer sex is hot as balls for sure, but there’s something about steaming things up under the doona (with sex that is, not Dutch ovens, as much fun as they are) that is so tantalisingly orgasm inducing you just want to get it on every night.

Oh my god Lovers, stop everything!

It’s as if the sex gods have heard my prayers!

Just as I have been writing this, something amazing has occurred! It may not be a date, but it could be something a MILLION times better! I just got a phone call from a certain artistic establishment inviting me to an information session to be a life model!

Ermahgerd! Naked drawing!

I looked up their website and now I’m even more excited as they specialise in EXOTIC life drawing!

Wow. Things are looking up Lovers!

In fact, in celebration of this milestone ( I mean really, how often do you get the opportunity to stand in front of people naked without getting arrested?) I’m going to repost one of my favourite stories I wrote for Valentines day a few years ago. Yes, that sounds much more fun that me moaning about my lack of sex!

So a mate of mine had just met her new boyfriend and I decided to write her a saucy little story starring herself and said boyfriend to help steam things up (it must have worked because they’re now engaged! You’re welcome guys.)

If you’ve read it before I apologise Lovers, but if you haven’t just imagine me as the character of Li (just, you know, female instead of male).

Enjoy my Lovelies, and wish me luck at the interview tomorrow!

“Get over here now!”

Maria winced as Kristen screeched at her from behind the counter. Damn, she’d been trying to stay hidden. With a sigh Maria disentangled herself from the layers of tinsel she was arranging and trudged to the front of the shop.

Kristen wasn’t so bad, on her good days. Unfortunately her good days only consisted of Christmas and her birthday. Today was not one of those days.

“What is this?” she hissed, snatching up tinsel from the counter

“Tinsel?” Maria replied, puzzled. Honestly, the woman was thirty two. You think she’d know the basics by now.

“I’m aware of that young lady,” Kristen bit back, practically sizzling with pent up anger. “What I’m not aware of, is what it’s doing in my shop during April!”

Maria took a step back as spit flew from Kristen’s mouth in all directions.

“You wanted a festive theme. I thought it would be something a little different.” Maria said tentatively.

“Oh it’s different all right.” Sneered Kristen. God she really could be a bitch when she wanted to be.

“Unfortunately, here at Luscious Ladies with Long Legs we value class and decorum, not tinsel!”

Maria bit back a smile as Kristen mentioned the name of her ‘boutique.’ In actual fact Luscious Ladies with Long Legs was really just a store for ladies who couldn’t fit into much else. Just like Kristen.

“Are you listening to me?”

Maria was jolted back to the present as Kristen’s beady eyes bored into her.

“You will fix it, and fix it now. Then you will get your bony little ass out of my shop without pay and without a reference. Do you understand me?”

Maria nodded, trying hard to keep her shocked expression masked as bitch face smirked at her like the cat with the cream.

“Now get back in that window.” She snarled “I’m going to lunch. Watch the shop.”

Maria opened her mouth to ask how to work the till but Kristen swished out the door before she could form the question.

What a cow! Maria sank to the floor, completely dejected. This was her last chance to save her career and she’d blown it. The Luscious Ladies contract was the final project before she was assessed and without a reference she would never get a real job. Maria just didn’t have the experience that everyone else had, didn’t have the crazy idea’s they managed to come up with. All she’d ever wanted to do was create beautiful shop windows. Something people would pause to look at. Something that would brighten a dark day, even if just for a moment. But that was over now. It looked like she would have to go back to the family business, just like her Mum wanted. Maria shuddered at the thought. De-sexing chickens was a job no human being should ever have to do, let alone full time.

Suddenly Maria was ripped out of her reverie as the tinkle of the door-bell sounded. She scrambled to her feet, smoothing her dress down as she did.

“Welcome to Luscious Ladies with Long…” Maria’s sentence trailed off as she took in the man standing in front of her.

Holy guacamole! He was dressed in a dark tailored suit that fit him like a glove. His shoes were polished to gleaming and laces tied with perfect precision. Maria’s mouth went dry as her gaze roamed hungrily over him.

“Excuse me?” he murmured, and Maria hastily snapped her glazed eyes into focus.

“Sorry.” She stuttered, still trying to get a handle on her reaction to this man. Looking up into his face, she thought she saw the ghost of a smile, but shook her head quickly to get rid of the idea.

“Can I help you?” she asked, confidence slowly returning

“Maybe, yes.” He replied cryptically

Maria frowned. Today’s not the day pal, she thought bitterly as she watched him stroll through the shop.

“Are you after a gift? Something for a friend maybe? Or perhaps,” Maria swallowed “a girlfriend?”

He grinned at her and Maria grabbed onto a hat rack for support. No man should be that dazzling when he smiled.

“No girlfriend.” He replied “Just… looking.”

For a girlfriend or clothes? Maria wondered to herself. When it looked like he was going to be a while Maria headed back to the window to start clearing up the mess she had made. So lost in her work, she didn’t notice the mystery hot man above her until he spoke.

“That’s a very interesting display.” He said softly

Maria yelped with surprise and jumped backwards, colliding with him and throwing them both into a pile of extra-long jeans.

“Sorry! I’m so sorry!” Maria cried, trying to untangle herself from him. He chuckled and helped her up as she slipped back onto him yet again.

She could feel her face going as red as the underwear she so foolishly chose to wore under her white skirt.

“Sorry.” She mumbled, unable to look at him.

“Its fine,” he laughed “oh and I’ve decided what I’d like.”

“What you like?” Maria frowned. Is he coming on to me? She thought.

“Yes, I’ll get that jacket on the left there.” He replied

“Oh!” Maria blushed another shade darker. Of course he wasn’t flirting with her! He probably just wants to buy his extra-long extra-large jacket and get the hell away from her.

She slid over to the counter with the jacket and fumbled with the till for a moment, willing it to life. It stared back at her, unmoving and blank. Beads of sweat started to form on Maria’s brow as she fervently searched for a button, any button to get the damn thing open. After five minutes she gave up. Peeking up at the gorgeous man in front of her she was surprised to see another one of those stunning grins plastered to his face.

He’s laughing at me! Thought Maria, although she wasn’t sure whether to be embarrassed or pleased.

“You know what? Just take it. It’s on special anyway and it’s the least I can do for practically assaulting you back there.” She jerked her head towards the window.

“I can’t do that.” He said back, dead serious this time “I don’t take charity.”

“Oh but it’s not-“Maria spluttered

“But,” he cut in “I do trade.” He fished inside his pocket for a moment before handing her a business card.

“Tonight. Six pm at the old town hall. I very much hope to see you there Maria.”

“How did you-” Maria started

He smiled and tapped her name badge.

“Six o’clock. Don’t be late!” he said over his shoulder as he strolled out.

Maria watched him leave, completely bewildered. What just happened? She glanced down at his business card. His name was Li and he was an artist. An artist? He certainly didn’t look like any artist Maria had seen lately. Maybe he charged a lot for his paintings. By the look of his suit he’d have to charge quite a lot.

Maria heard the laboured clip clop of stiletto’s under far too much pressure and knew Kristen was on her way back. Stowing the business card and thoughts of Li away she hurried back to the window.

The day dragged. After finishing the window and re-doing it in bland white, Maria was drained. Watching Kristen purr lovingly to all the customers made her stomach turn. If only they knew, she thought to herself. Finally the day was over and Maria was released from all things extra-long and extra-large. She walked home slowly, dumped her bags at the door and went straight to the bathroom. Nothing like a good bath to cure a bad day. As she sank into the hot water her mind drifted. Drifted straight to a certain stranger with almond eyes and kissable lips…

Stop it! Maria frowned. How could one man get under her skin so much? And why? Yes he was attractive, very attractive, but then so were a lot of other men. So why did she feel such a thrill when she thought about Li? There was only one way to find out.

Maria stepped out of the bath, sloshing water everywhere in her haste. She ran to her bedroom, threw on a dress and hunted for her shoes. Once located, she ran out the door, sprinting in heels towards the town hall. He said not to be late! She thought to herself. Oh well, better late than never. Maria grinned idiotically and surged forward, seeing the hall up ahead. Finally she burst through the doors, panting like a donkey trying to run the Melbourne Cup.

A few curious women turned to look at her but luckily most people were chatting animatedly to each other and didn’t notice her incongruous entry. After taking a few moments to compose herself , Maria surveyed the room. It was filled with about twenty people. Scratch that, twenty women. Odd, thought Maria. Surely men would be interested in art too, especially if Li was as good as he seemed to be. She shrugged and scanned the room for a free easel. Spying one in the corner Maria made a beeline for it. As she did so, she caught sight of herself in the mirror.

Oh God no! Staring back at her was a young girl in an enormous moo moo. In her hurry to get dressed, she had thrown on her one and only dress from Luxurious Ladies! Kristen had insisted on paying her in goods one week so she now had an entire drawer devoted to nanna knickers and this one dress. How could she have been so stupid? Glancing around Maria desperately looked for an exit, but she had well and truly backed herself into a corner. She noticed a few snide looks from the other ladies but chose to ignore them. Suddenly, inspiration struck. Digging into the enormous pockets of the dress, Maria found what she was looking for. She dove into her purse, hurriedly looking for her nail scissors and almost cried out in triumph when she found them. Keeping her elation on the down low, she hurriedly cut the fabric in her hand into one long strip. Discarding the rest behind her, Maria hurriedly wrapped the material around herself and formed a makeshift belt. Assessing herself in the mirror, Maria frowned. It wasn’t great, but at least she had given herself some semblance of a waist. Making sure no one was watching, Maria gave herself a conspiritual wink in the mirror. No one would ever know that her now belt was once an enormous pair of underwear.

Turning back to her easel, Maria tried to calm herself and take stock of her situation.

In the centre of the room sat a bowl of fruit. Wow, what an exciting hour this is going to be, Maria scoffed to herself, suddenly feeling very confident in her nanna belt. All that confidence whooshed straight out of her when she saw him.

“Ladies, take your places please.” His voice echoed smoothly through the hall, reverberating all the way up to the high ceiling.

Curiously, he was wearing the coat she had sold- well sort of sold him that very day. He walked around the room, chatting to a few ladies here and there, totally at ease. When he approached her however, something in his demeanor abruptly changed. Where he was open and friendly with the other girls, he was cagey and stiff around Maria. What is his problem? She thought in frustration. Right then and there she decided to draw the best damn fruit bowl he had ever seen. Yes, she thought, nodding to herself, stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

Li assumed his position in the centre of the room. All eyes were trained intently on him. He looked around the room, pausing occasionally to look at a chosen few before launching into his speech.

It was the usual spiel, how to create shapes with the charcoal pens, shading, light and darkness blah blah blah.

Maria was captivated. Every move he made, the fluid motion of his arm sliding across the page as he drew was like an exotic dance. She didn’t realise she was holding her breath until he looked at her. Then it awkwardly came out in a rush, making a sound like a deflated balloon. Maria wanted the ground to open up and swallow her. Li smiled his sympathy at her and for a moment she felt just a tiny bit better.

Suddenly Li clapped his hands and announced it was time to begin. Maria nervously picked up her charcoal and started on her fruit bowl, laboriously drawing it exactly to scale. She was almost finished her outline when she finally registered all the soft giggling that was issuing from all around her. She looked up, and her jaw dropped.

He was naked!

Jesus Mary and Joseph’s Holy House of Tinsel! Maria gaped at him, completely nude, and by the look on his face, quite proud of it. What planet was she on? The piece of charcoal she had been holding slipped out of her hand and clattered to the floor. Li looked over at the sudden noise and Maria ducked to the floor to retrieve it. As she did she smacked her head into her easel, knocking it to the floor with a crash.

“Shit!” she cried out loud. When she looked up, a naked Li was running straight for her. “I’m fine!” she shrieked, trying to scare him and his shockingly naked figure away from her “It’s all good! I’m fine!” She repeated, trying to right her easel once more. Li slowed down to a walk and padded up to her.

“You ok?” he asked

Maria couldn’t look at him. Where the hell was she supposed to look? She definitely knew where she wanted to look. Don’t you dare, her subconscious screamed at her. She stared straight ahead, immersed in the blank sheet of paper in front of her. She could feel a red flush creeping up her neck towards her face and willed him to go away so she could die in peace.

Thankfully he got the hint and with one more concerned glance at her he strolled back to the middle of the room. Maria tried to get a hold of herself. This was not what she signed up for! It’s better. Whispered a little voice inside her head. Maria sternly kicked the thought out and resolutely picked up her charcoal. He wants me to draw him? Fine, I’ll draw him. She thought wickedly

Starting in the left hand corner she drew a crude stick figure of Li with enormous hands and feet. Giggling to herself she then drew a sumo version of him, with fat over flowing everywhere. Oh yes, this is what she called art.

Maria snuck a peek at the ladies next to her and was slightly sobered by the fact that all the other women were drawing very lifelike, very well drawn pictures of Li.

Suddenly Li clapped his hands again and changed positions to ‘The Thinker’ pose. Oh she could think of many a thing she’d like to do to him right now. Damn it Maria just draw! Her inner voice chided.

She took a deep breath and, trying to remember the earlier lesson, started to draw. Once she got the hang of it is was fairly easy. She followed the smooth contours of his back, up his neck to his head, then down the front across his stomach to his delicious looking snail trail and then… Then she stopped. How was she supposed to draw that?

Tricky. Very Tricky.

The earlier lesson suddenly sprang to mind. Li had said something about picturing objects as just shapes, then tweaking the shapes as you drew. Maria glanced at Li and then at the fruit bowl. A pineapple maybe? An unladylike snort escaped her mouth as she pictured it. How uncomfortable! Trying to control herself, Maria contented herself with a banana and two grapes. It was a toss-up between the grapes and some mandarins, but the grapes won her over with how fresh and ripe they looked.

Ever so slowly. She tried to draw the complicated male anatomy. Good god it was difficult. Gently gently, she traced up his left thigh then down his right, feeling a slight flush colour her cheeks as she did so. She felt so naughty!

Without warning Li clapped his hands twice. Maria was startled out of her erotic reverie and with a squeak of dismay, realised in her fright her charcoal hand had slipped down the page, giving Li quite the endowment.

Crap. She thought. It had all been going so well. Maria shrugged and tried to turn to her next page. The clip holding it in place was as stiff as Maria had drawn Li and she struggled to budge it even a little.

Suddenly, she realised Li was not in the middle of the room any more. With a sinking feeling she searched the room for him and to her horror, saw that he was walking around to inspect people’s drawings!

No! No! No! Her brain screamed. He was about to see what a messed up pervert she was! Maria lunged onto her easel, pulling and tugging at the clip, desperately trying to open it. All the while Li edged closer. Come on! She cried to herself. Abandoning the clip she scrabbled for the top of the paper, attempting to rip the page off completely. He was two steps away, one step away-

Kill me now.

“How did you go Maria?” Li asked from behind her. She could hear the smile in his voice as she stood in front of her easel, trying to block his view.

“It’s all right Maria.’ He said with a chuckle “Everyone has to start somewhere. We can’t all be Picasso’s straight off.”

Maria looked up at him, mortified. This was just not her day. You should have stayed in the bath pervy. Her subconscious sneered at her.

She sighed, and knowing there was nothing more she could do, stepped back to let him see the picture.

Just looking at his face told Maria all she needed to know. She grabbed her bag and ran. God she was so stupid! Tears of shame ran down her face as she ran.

She heard a cry from behind her but didn’t look back. She would stay in her house forever and never see anyone again. She would become an expert at all things Judge Judy, Doctor Phil and Ellen. Switch off her phone and make a fish bowl out of her computer. Yes, hermit Maria had quite the ring to it.

Just as she was thinking how to board up her windows she stumbled and fell hard onto the road.

Son of a bitch!

Maria wasn’t sure if she said that out loud or in her head, but she did know it hurt. A lot. Picking herself up she went to walk on, but her heel was jammed into the bitumen. Damn, she sighed. Yanking her leg, Maria tried to pull herself free, but her foot wouldn’t budge.

“Come on!” she yelled in frustration. And that’s when she heard the noise.

She turned to the left and coming down the hill was a big, no huge, blue rubbish truck. What was even more terrifying was the big red man chasing after it. The driver.

Maria screamed and frantically pulled at her leg. The truck came closer and closer, building up speed as it went. No, it couldn’t end like this, it just couldn’t, not with nanna undies wrapped around her waist!

Suddenly all the air whooshed out of her as she was propelled off the road and onto the footpath.

She landed with a thud onto the concrete, bruised but alive. She tried to get up but something was holding her down. As it turned out, not something, but someone.

“Gerrofme.” She grunted, struggling for air as that someone pressed down on her.

“Sorry!” cried a familiar voice.

“Li?” Maria sat up and looked at her rescuer, noting as she did so the crowd of people still running down the street after the truck as it whooshed past.

“Are you all right?” he asked, taking her back to that morning in the shop.

“You- you saved me.” She breathed

“You looked like you could use a hand.” He smiled gently at her and held his hand out to help her up.

“I’m sorry about the picture.” She stammered “I didn’t mean to draw that um, what I drew, that is, well you know.” Maria trailed off, not sure what to say as the enormity of what had just happened started to sink in.

Li laughed and gave her shoulder a little squeeze “Happens all the time in my line of work. Don’t sweat the small stuff.”

“Or the big.” Mumbled Maria, still embarrassed. “Why did you come after me?” she asked quietly

“I couldn’t let you get away again.” He said solemnly

“Again?” she asked, puzzled

Li sighed, and then it was his turn to look embarrassed.

“I did some mural painting for an erotic novel store a few months ago,” he began, and Maria tried hard to hold back her smirk at the thought of Li painting in a porn shop.

“It was in a small shopping complex with all sorts of stores thrown in. Anyway, I was directly across from a ladies shoe store-”

Maria clapped a hand to her mouth as realization struck.

“High Heeled Hotties.” She gasped

“That’s right.” Said Li. His eyes suddenly turned wistful “There was this girl in the window one day. She was struggling with this huge paper-mache shoe, trying to get it above her head” Li chuckled, a soft sound from deep in his throat. “She was so determined to get it done, and I just couldn’t tear my eyes away from her.”

Maria watched on as he became serious again.

“She was so beautiful. Everything about her was perfect. The way she moved, the frustration on her face as she fought with that damned shoe, and then the dazzling smile that appeared when she finally finished.”

“Me?” Maria breathed. “You thought all that about me?”

“How could I not?” said Li, pulling her a little closer “I decided right then and there that I had to meet you. Even if you were married, had a boyfriend or thirty six crazy cats I just had to talk to you. But the next day, you were gone. And honestly Maria, it was as if I wasn’t the same person anymore. My world had been rocked and now that you weren’t a part of it any more it wasn’t worth much at all. I didn’t know where to find you, didn’t even know where to start. I asked in the store but they didn’t know where your next job would be. I thought about you for weeks. Actually it was a bit embarrassing thinking about you in some of my classes, if you know what I mean.” He grinned and Maria blushed furiously.

“But then today I just happened to have lunch at this café. A café I’d never been to before and there you were. As frustrated as ever, wrapped in tinsel with some witch shouting at you. When she left I couldn’t stay away, and after I met you, you were even more amazing than I could have ever imagined. Your laugh, your crazy habit of blushing every two seconds and that sparkle in your eye, it was all so intoxicating. Then I saw you about to get cleaned off the road by some truck and my heart almost stopped.” Li stepped closer again, effectively eliminating any space between them. Maria could feel his chest rising and falling with each shallow breath. Good God, he was the intoxicating one, not her. She had to resist the urge to wrap her arms around him and rest her head on his shoulder.

“Maria,” he said softly “you would make me the happiest man alive if you would let me take you to dinner.” Maria giggled, letting all the tension from the day flow out of her as she did.

“I’ll go to dinner with you Li,” she said “But I was wondering if I could ask a favour.”

“Anything.” He said, smiling down at her

“I do window displays for a living, and it’s always been my dream to do a little ‘living art.’ Think you might be interested?”

She watched as Li grasped the idea of what she was proposing.

“Which shop?” he asked, a bemused look on his face

“A little place called Luscious Ladies with Long Legs.” She said conspiritually

Li Grinned “Done deal pretty lady.”

Maria whooped with delight and threw her arms around him. She couldn’t wait to see Kristen’s face when she showed her the new ‘window treatment’.

“Come on, let’s get back to class before they think you’ve kidnapped me.” Li said, taking her hand.

Maria swatted him playfully on the shoulder before sliding her hand into his.

And so they walked back to the hall, Maria the perfect girl, with her perfect artist boyfriend…. Who was still butt naked.

Claire xx

Pickup line of the week: Nice pants, can I test the zipper?


The Very Vacant Vagina

Hidey ho Lovers!

Well this has got to be the strangest environment I have ever blogged from! I’m currently sitting on the floor of my completely empty apartment at 7am in the morning, an unopened box of Krispy Kremes next to me, waiting for the end of lease cleaners to arrive and clean up my… mess.

It’s kind of sad though isn’t it; leaving a place you’ve gradually filled with memories, good and bad, sexy and decidedly unsexy.

But to an outsider it’s just dust and empty bottles of lube.

Just kidding Lovers, of course I disposed of my lube receptacles! I’d love to say I had a wild lubed-up party, complete with lube wrestling, a lube slip and slide and lube face painting, but sadly I just threw the mostly empty bottles in the bin.

Maybe I’m losing my edge in old age?

Either way, my collection of lubricants has been categorically streamlined.

Ok, so now that I’ve filled you in on the lube situation, how about we move onto the rest?

Well that’s just it Lover’s, there is no rest! My vagina has been decidedly vacant for the past two months!

Oh sure there were opportunities, take a recent wedding for instance. As a bridesmaid, I was looking forward to some hot ‘don’t even know your name but lets do it under the table anyway sex’. Plus as I flew interstate to be at the wedding I figured the sex karma gods would recognise my good deed and reward me accordingly.

My groomsman was hot, that was for sure. When I first heard I was being paired with the bride’s little brother my heart sank. Multiple images of some snot-nosed fourteen year old with a slingshot kept coming to mind. (Clearly I’d been watching the Sandalot Kids too much.)

Then I remembered we’re all teetering on 29 and any ‘little brother’ was sure to be at least of legal age.

Woah was he legal all right!

Nice, very nice, I thought to myself.

There were only two obstacles barring me from clambering on top of him between the main course and dessert.

First and most importantly, he had a girlfriend, and a damn sexy one at that. (I did muse on the idea of including them both for a moment, but girls that fine rarely enjoy sharing.)

So there was that, but the other complication was me and my tumultuous relationship with the sun. Rocky at best, on that 3o degree-day we were most definitely having… issues.

As soon as I took my place at the head of the aisle I knew I was in trouble. Standing in full sun with no shade to speak of, I felt my butt instantly mist up with sweat particles, ready to release.

And boy did they release!

I’m really not keen to see the wedding video, as if there is any footage of me during the ceremony, any at all, I’ll probably just have a look of impending doom stamped across my face, ineffectively masked by an ‘everything is fine, isn’t this a lovely wedding’ smile.

Want to know why Lovers? Oh I’ll tell you why! Rivers of sweat were running down my legs in a downpour of salty disgustingness.

I pressed my thighs together in an attempt to stop the flow, but it just resulted in damming the onslaught before I finally had to unclench.

Good god the heat! Was there a puddle forming at my feet? Could people see me making it rain in the worst possible way?

Don’t be silly Claire, they’re all looking at the bride, I told myself as I felt a rivulet of sweat drop slowly into my eye.

Argh it burns!

Be cool, be elegant, be the bridesmaid.

I’m melting!

By the time the ceremony was over I looked nothing like the member of the polished bridal party that had stepped out of the limo half an hour earlier.

No no no, I was a hot mess.

So it was no surprise that when the groomsmen came over to stand behind us, my man looked none too pleased with his sweaty, uncoordinated bridesmaid.

Oh yeah did I mention I almost stacked it up the aisle?

Needless to say, no sex was had at that wedding, and I spent most of it alternating between sweating profusely on the dance floor and bathing in the bathroom sink.

Good times.

So, what else has been happening? Hmm, well here’s what I can tell you Lovers, Tinder men are just as socially retarded as ever. Here’s a conversation I had yesterday, word for word.

Peter: Sex?

Me: Female

Peter: This user has unmatched you.

Looks like Peter has no sense of humour.

Plus when did it become acceptable to ask for sex before even saying hello? Manners people! If you want to be sticking your joystick in my x-box at least have the decency to start a conversation first!

Oh and then there was the situation last week, what a balls up! It was a Sunday afternoon so naturally I had just woken up from an afternoon nap. I looked over at my phone to see a message from a Tinder dude.

He seemed cute and definitely seemed to have an ok body. Normally I wouldn’t be super fussy on the bod stats but as this fellow seemed more interested in physical pursuits it was pretty important.

I’ve never actually gone out and hooked up with a Tinder guy straight away.

I mean sure there have been times when I’ve been so horny I’ve just thought, “whoever turns up on this date is coming home with me’ but that has always been for me to know and him to find out.

To meet up with a guy for a ‘coffee’ (which I’m sure neither of us would have drunk) and then get naked pronto has never really been my style.

But hey, beggars can’t be choosers right? And at this point, the old vajayjay was certainly begging for it.

I tried to get him to pick a place but the dodgy bastard just kept telling me to come to his place. This pissed me off for two reasons. First of all, stranger danger! The douche obviously had no regard for my comfort or safety. He just wanted some friggin door service. That was the other thing that annoyed me.

Sure I wanted sex just as much as him, but it felt a little too prostitutey for me.

I am alone in this girls? Am I being too much of a prude? Is it too much to ask in this day and age for him to put on some clothes and meet me at the closest café to his place before we engage in the hopefully (but by no means guaranteed) great coitus?

It’s definitely a thinker.

Sexual freedom to do what I like? Great. But I also yearn for the respect of the old days where putting out wasn’t expected, but rather fervently hoped for.

Anyways I’d just showered and shaved every inch of my body (and believe me, the deforestation of my lady garden took quite some time after its months of misuse) when I got a message from the dude.

Freshly bathed and ready for some stranger sex, I picked up my phone, only to throw it against the wall moments later.

The message read “sorry, I totally forgot I’m sposed to help a friend move today. Can we do it tomorrow?”

Fucking fuckery fucking fuck nuggets!

Are you freaking serious? I was literally seven minutes from walking out the door and he pulls this shit on me?!

No suprises then that I shut him down rather quickly on his piss poor rain check. We haven’t spoken since.


The worst thing was I was primed and ready with no penis in sight! I put out feelers to all my tinder men but not a single bite.

Typical isn’t it, the one time I’m up for it all the annoying guys who just want sex are either offline or feeling too delicate and precious to give it up.


So anyways Lovers, if you too are on quite the sex drought, you no longer need to feel alone!



Pickup line of the week: See my friend over there? She wants to know if you think I’m cute.