Hidey ho Lovers!
Well this has got to be the strangest environment I have ever blogged from! I’m currently sitting on the floor of my completely empty apartment at 7am in the morning, an unopened box of Krispy Kremes next to me, waiting for the end of lease cleaners to arrive and clean up my… mess.
It’s kind of sad though isn’t it; leaving a place you’ve gradually filled with memories, good and bad, sexy and decidedly unsexy.
But to an outsider it’s just dust and empty bottles of lube.
Just kidding Lovers, of course I disposed of my lube receptacles! I’d love to say I had a wild lubed-up party, complete with lube wrestling, a lube slip and slide and lube face painting, but sadly I just threw the mostly empty bottles in the bin.
Maybe I’m losing my edge in old age?
Either way, my collection of lubricants has been categorically streamlined.
Ok, so now that I’ve filled you in on the lube situation, how about we move onto the rest?
Well that’s just it Lover’s, there is no rest! My vagina has been decidedly vacant for the past two months!
Oh sure there were opportunities, take a recent wedding for instance. As a bridesmaid, I was looking forward to some hot ‘don’t even know your name but lets do it under the table anyway sex’. Plus as I flew interstate to be at the wedding I figured the sex karma gods would recognise my good deed and reward me accordingly.
My groomsman was hot, that was for sure. When I first heard I was being paired with the bride’s little brother my heart sank. Multiple images of some snot-nosed fourteen year old with a slingshot kept coming to mind. (Clearly I’d been watching the Sandalot Kids too much.)
Then I remembered we’re all teetering on 29 and any ‘little brother’ was sure to be at least of legal age.
Woah was he legal all right!
Nice, very nice, I thought to myself.
There were only two obstacles barring me from clambering on top of him between the main course and dessert.
First and most importantly, he had a girlfriend, and a damn sexy one at that. (I did muse on the idea of including them both for a moment, but girls that fine rarely enjoy sharing.)
So there was that, but the other complication was me and my tumultuous relationship with the sun. Rocky at best, on that 3o degree-day we were most definitely having… issues.
As soon as I took my place at the head of the aisle I knew I was in trouble. Standing in full sun with no shade to speak of, I felt my butt instantly mist up with sweat particles, ready to release.
And boy did they release!
I’m really not keen to see the wedding video, as if there is any footage of me during the ceremony, any at all, I’ll probably just have a look of impending doom stamped across my face, ineffectively masked by an ‘everything is fine, isn’t this a lovely wedding’ smile.
Want to know why Lovers? Oh I’ll tell you why! Rivers of sweat were running down my legs in a downpour of salty disgustingness.
I pressed my thighs together in an attempt to stop the flow, but it just resulted in damming the onslaught before I finally had to unclench.
Good god the heat! Was there a puddle forming at my feet? Could people see me making it rain in the worst possible way?
Don’t be silly Claire, they’re all looking at the bride, I told myself as I felt a rivulet of sweat drop slowly into my eye.
Argh it burns!
Be cool, be elegant, be the bridesmaid.
By the time the ceremony was over I looked nothing like the member of the polished bridal party that had stepped out of the limo half an hour earlier.
No no no, I was a hot mess.
So it was no surprise that when the groomsmen came over to stand behind us, my man looked none too pleased with his sweaty, uncoordinated bridesmaid.
Oh yeah did I mention I almost stacked it up the aisle?
Needless to say, no sex was had at that wedding, and I spent most of it alternating between sweating profusely on the dance floor and bathing in the bathroom sink.
So, what else has been happening? Hmm, well here’s what I can tell you Lovers, Tinder men are just as socially retarded as ever. Here’s a conversation I had yesterday, word for word.
Peter: This user has unmatched you.
Looks like Peter has no sense of humour.
Plus when did it become acceptable to ask for sex before even saying hello? Manners people! If you want to be sticking your joystick in my x-box at least have the decency to start a conversation first!
Oh and then there was the situation last week, what a balls up! It was a Sunday afternoon so naturally I had just woken up from an afternoon nap. I looked over at my phone to see a message from a Tinder dude.
He seemed cute and definitely seemed to have an ok body. Normally I wouldn’t be super fussy on the bod stats but as this fellow seemed more interested in physical pursuits it was pretty important.
I’ve never actually gone out and hooked up with a Tinder guy straight away.
I mean sure there have been times when I’ve been so horny I’ve just thought, “whoever turns up on this date is coming home with me’ but that has always been for me to know and him to find out.
To meet up with a guy for a ‘coffee’ (which I’m sure neither of us would have drunk) and then get naked pronto has never really been my style.
But hey, beggars can’t be choosers right? And at this point, the old vajayjay was certainly begging for it.
I tried to get him to pick a place but the dodgy bastard just kept telling me to come to his place. This pissed me off for two reasons. First of all, stranger danger! The douche obviously had no regard for my comfort or safety. He just wanted some friggin door service. That was the other thing that annoyed me.
Sure I wanted sex just as much as him, but it felt a little too prostitutey for me.
I am alone in this girls? Am I being too much of a prude? Is it too much to ask in this day and age for him to put on some clothes and meet me at the closest café to his place before we engage in the hopefully (but by no means guaranteed) great coitus?
It’s definitely a thinker.
Sexual freedom to do what I like? Great. But I also yearn for the respect of the old days where putting out wasn’t expected, but rather fervently hoped for.
Anyways I’d just showered and shaved every inch of my body (and believe me, the deforestation of my lady garden took quite some time after its months of misuse) when I got a message from the dude.
Freshly bathed and ready for some stranger sex, I picked up my phone, only to throw it against the wall moments later.
The message read “sorry, I totally forgot I’m sposed to help a friend move today. Can we do it tomorrow?”
Fucking fuckery fucking fuck nuggets!
Are you freaking serious? I was literally seven minutes from walking out the door and he pulls this shit on me?!
No suprises then that I shut him down rather quickly on his piss poor rain check. We haven’t spoken since.
The worst thing was I was primed and ready with no penis in sight! I put out feelers to all my tinder men but not a single bite.
Typical isn’t it, the one time I’m up for it all the annoying guys who just want sex are either offline or feeling too delicate and precious to give it up.
So anyways Lovers, if you too are on quite the sex drought, you no longer need to feel alone!
Pickup line of the week: See my friend over there? She wants to know if you think I’m cute.